My impression of this illness

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I have only had depression (diagnosed at least) for about 2 months, but I am building up an understanding of it which may help some. But perhaps by putting it here it will generate views (agreeing or otherwise) which we all will find useful.

It seems to be an illness with no one particular cause and not discriminating about who it affects, young or old, good or bad health, rich or poor.

I am getting the impression though that it's affects are in many ways similar from one person to the next person. It brings on extreme sense of desperation and low mood to worst degree one could feel. It also can swing, without reason, from an extreme low state to something more positive. But frustratingly can slip back to the previous state how ever hard one tries to hold onto the good feelings.

What I think I am learning is that as much as one feels very unwell and as ill as you have ever been. This is not what is actually occurring! So the inclination just to curl up into a ball and try to sleep is almost the worst thing as it just gives in to the illness.

On quite a few occasions now I have been able, despite all my senses to the contrary, to get outside and go for walk, go shopping, volunteer for a charity or even just sit in the sun. Though at first this has felt an enormous effort and, to repeat, the worst decision I could ever make. After a few minutes or half an hour I am feeling a little better. Not a lot mind you, but a little better. If I continue I actually begin to feel a noticeable improvement in my mood and that I don't feel so ill anymore!

It's as if there is a depression barrier which you have to push through to get to the better feeling on the other side. It takes a number of repetitions before you can be confident that the effort is worth it.

Of course it doesn't last and maybe the next morning you feel the same as you did the day before. But as you get to see that it is a way to break the spell, albeit for a few hours or the rest of the day, you will feel reassured.

I am hoping that as I gain confidence I will be able to start doing the right things for me sooner in the day, and reduce the time that I struggle with the depression.

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14 Replies

  • Posted

    Wow, that was like you were talking about me exactly 2 years ago. I can't believe that's you have been able to put it into words. I am a lot better now , still on meds.

    I've been on this forum for 2 years not so much now as when I was very ill. I try now to support others. 

    I always still to this day thought no one really felt as I did back then, until I read what you have just written. Amazing.

    One thing that always puzzled me was the thing of the illness the despair sometimes shifting, then coming back , but always with him it a doubt the mornings were the worst ever. So is it a mind set or is somthing happening within the brain? Live to know what people's thoughts are? 

    Thanks again nandrews 

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    • Posted



      and I am reading here that the depression is much worse in the morning and could it be something happening in the brain? You are the second person that notes this, depression much worse in the am and then by evening its bad but not dreadful.

      For me its like i have to crawl out of the cave of depression each morning only to make it somewhat back out o the top, and then its down again..

      Its got to all be chemistry of our brains. I am toggling between approaching this hormonal/depression route.

      I am for the AD, but i hear from my counselor that most people dont do fabulous on anything, they simply maintain themselves, whether it be numb, or disassociated.. I dont want this but if i have to get through the menopause and it takes this, then im doing it.

      Just thought id comment. My depression is definitely at its worst.


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  • Posted

    Hi nandrews - what you have written is an intelligent description of depression. I was wondering whether you have been prescribed meds? They can  help balance the mind - but you are absolutely right, getting up and doing, as hard as that may be, is the one real thing we can do to help alleviate our depression. Such a pity that it always has to be such an effort. Good luck to you.
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  • Posted

    Thanks for those responses.

    Glad to know that I have 'hit the spot' so to speak. But it is really just from reading this forum and my own experiences.

    I am on mirtazapine 30mg each evening. It makes me sleepy so that is the best time to take it, for me. It does help my mood and gives me a reasonable nights sleep. It's just a shame that it's effect has worn off by the morning. So I have to fight the bad feelings through the day.

    Lattifa7777 glad to know that you are better than you were. It is good to hear that it is possible to rise above the problems and get back to some normality. At the worst times it seems unlikely that I will ever get there again. But at least the meds give me a couple of hours when things seem right again, before I am so tired I have to go to bed.

    I am looking around at what self remedies I should use. There is a good deal of information about that, but with the amount and range of 'cures' I suspect a good deal is 'quackery'. So I am cautious about what I use and what I believe.

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    • Posted

      I am very interested in which self remedies could help the depression. I am almost off the anti depressant now as it caused me so much trouble and i would rather not take chemicals.
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  • Posted

    The only natural remedies that I am currently following are green tea, avocados and spinach.

    Bit of a mixture and I'm not sure if any of them are helping. It might be that they are, but only under certain circumstances.


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    • Posted

      I take warfarin and green tea is not allowed, nor spinach.  I have to look at things that dont interact with warfarin.  Its a bit of a minefield, wish there was someone on this site taking it and could give advice.
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  • Posted

    Im 25 and Ive had depression for most of my life. Its like a dark cloud hanging over me. Its like im numb. Just empty. Im pregnant now and my boyfriend tries to understand and help when im down. It was very very bad about 3 weeks ago but ive been fine-like a light switch till yesterday. Its my anxiety this time but crazy how quick I forget this feeling till it comes back. Id prefer to have a physical illness that people could see than this
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  • Posted


    Your description is yes...very, eerily similar to what I experience.

    You have only had depression for 2 months, so do you have any idea how this came about, and did you ever have depression before?


    what is your age may I ask?

    I understand now why expressions like "battle", struggle" 'fight' are used to describe depression, because it is all of these things.

    You try everything to get out of it, and then you slip down into it again.

    I also agree that its best to keep moving, even if you are a zombie, move. keeping busy. I hate going through the motions however and faking life but its a sort of survival mechanism that keeps me going i think.

    I look forward to sleep where i escape. 

    Ive been like this for aprox 6 months, and although im going through the phases of menopause, my intuition now is telling me its not 100% hormones. Of course its throwing my chemistry off, but its not the cause of this depression. 

    I am looking and exploring to no end of what i can do for this dreadful dreadful situation. (sentence)

    I also know its severe, because I live in a really beautiful part of the world, and i could care less. If i was offered lots of money and comfort, i could care less.

    What good is it if you dont have your mind, and you have no joy? 

    I am going to post here on the depression forum one other issue ive been exploring and it may shed light to others.


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  • Posted


    I am 64 and it is the first experience of depression.

    I was aware that depression wasn't as simple as those that say on any day "I am feeling depressed". I have had that but this is so much worse.

    I have no idea what kicked it off for me. I have been a practical person most of my life. Maybe I have bottled some things up and avoided situations that made me uncomfortable. But there doesn't seem any real cause for me.

    I too look forward to sleep or at least I don't generally enjoy waking in the morning as the effect of the meds I take wears off by then.

    I am trying a course of mindfulness shortly and have done a couple of drop-in sessions.

    They seem to improve things by focusing my mind from the confusing 'buzz' of thoughts to something simple.


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    • Posted

      You sound like me. 65 and this hits.  Been a decent life, married, kids, job, now retired.  

      I dont know what I have, is it anxiety causing depression, or depression causing anxiety?

      i have always been the practical, sensible one.  Did everything the way it was expected.  That is why it is such a shock to get this now.   Yes, i also cannot pinpoint a cause, maybe there have been many which i have coped with and had a normal life but why this, why now?

      i look forward to bed, sleep escapes the illness.  Then the wake up, how bad thinking about what i cant do that i used to do.

      I tried six mindfulness lessons but couldnt engage.  Cant possibly think of dropping in on anything.  We have yoga for people with anxiety and depression and i cant even face going into that.

      what did they put you on to help you - i am coming off mirtazapine as it wasnt working.


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  • Posted

    I am on mirtazapine and it gives me a good mood a little while after I take it.

    But as it makes me sleepy I take it in the evening a couple of hours before I feel too tired and go to bed.

    In the morning when I wake the effect has worn off.

    I think we need to make an effort to break through the bad feelings to do things that will (or may) bring us benefit.

    As we find some success in what we do try that can feedback to encourage you to try again the next time.

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