My LDR girlfriend is depressed

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Hello everyone. I am in a LDR with a girl i met online. Today is our 7th month together. I live in Europe and she is  living in the US. A month ago after she was acting a bit weird (being absent) we had a talk and she told me that she had depression. She told me that it is a complication that can be caused by lupus and it might get triggered about some real life events.

She was afraid that i might get scared of the situation but truth is that this made me love her even more. After she told me about it all i ever did was to be supportive to her and let her know that this isn't something that will make me see her less or scare me away. That i will be right by her side no matter what. Since that talk she became more and more distant at a point where she was ignoring my calls and messages for 3 weeks. I was worrying a lot during that period cause i didn't knew how she was. I started reading articles on the internet about depression and how it can affect people, i saw that it's common for people to be isolating themselves from people close to them. She told me that she had to pretend to her friends and family but when she was alone she felt empty.

After these 3 weeks she decided to show up and talk to me. I didn't wanna address the issue cause i wanted our first talk after all that time to be happy and not make her think of her depression. She told me that she is focusing as much as she can to her work cause working keeps her distracted. 4 days later we talked again and i told her how i feel about her, how much i loved her and how important she is to me. In the past she had been hurt from previous relationships and she had a hard time trusting people. I wanted to make sure she knew that i wouldn't do anything to hurt her cause she is precious to me. She admitted that she knew how much i love her. During our talk she just stormed out of the call and i haven't heard of her ever since. It's been 5 days since that talk and she started to completely ignore me again. Reading but not answering my messages or my attempts to talk with her. Good thing is that i see her online on social media or even playing games from time to time which means she is active but i don't know why she is pushing me away like that. I keep sending her messages telling her about my day, that i think of her and that i miss her a lot with the hope that this will help her and make her understand that i will be here for her when she needs me. All this time i try to be strong and suppress my feelings and ego. But i see that all this is affecting me aswell. That the reason she is ignoring me mean that she doesn't wanna be with me anymore. I find myself losing sleep, overthinking, eating less and even start smoking again after i quited 2 years ago. If she could open herself and tell me what she feels and what she needs i would understand but she has a hard time expressing her feelings. The fact that i don't know what is going on drives me crazy. I decided to share my story with you in case someone has been in a similar situation and has any advice of how i should handle things. Any advice or thought will be appreciated.

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  • Posted

    Hi I have read your post carefully and the first thing that jumps out at me is that I think she feels you are 'crowding'  her and she wants more space.  Depression sufferers need support of course they do but it needs to be on her terms not yours.  I know you don't mean to do this and it is only through loving her so much but it's obviously difficult for her to handle.  You can't force her to open up to you especially as you said she finds it difficult to talk about it.  After all you haven't known her that long.

    I think you need to stop keep contacting her telling her you will never leave her etc. I know in that situation I would feel I was being suffocated.  The best thing to do is by all means keep in touch and let her know you will be there when she needs you,  but keep it cooler if you know what I mean.  Don't make her inadvertently feel pushed into a corner as I think this is what made her flee. 


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    • Posted

      First of all thanks for spending time reading my story and replying to it. It really means a lot. I understand that it might feel that i'm overwhelming her with my messages etc. All i ever did was sending her a message each day saying goodmorning and that i think of her. I do this mostly cause i don't want her to feel like i've forgotten her and this is due to the fact that she doesn't have many irl friends cause she is living in the country and a few states away from her family. I will give a try to your advice and reduce my messages to a message per 2-3 days. I just wish that she could tell me if she needed more space cause i was gonna respect her wish and i wouldn't have to overthink about what she might be wanting. Again thanks for your time and advice!

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  • Posted

    Hi Kg123 - I see you have told her you love her and that she is important to you. Has she reciprocated these sentiments? I find it odd that she can work, be active on social media, and yet does not respond to your messages. Could it be a matter of one loves and the other is loved? It's a painful thing to be trapped with circular thought and no way out because there is no response to your ruminations. Like hypercat says, you should step back. Just a simple hi once or twice a week and let her make the moves. If she doesn't, there might be your answer. Meanwhile, try to look after your health and remember her illness is not your fault. 

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    • Posted

      Hello wayne1962. Thanks for your time reading and replying. Most of her work is done from home but still i'm not really sure what is going on in her daily routine since i barely spoke with her the past month or so. As for the social media i see her online but i don't know if she is actually interracting with people. She told me in the past that i mean a lot to her but she hasn't expressed herself the way i did. Truth is that i don't know what i fear the most. The fact that she might be afraid to connect on that level with me considering her past expreriences or that she might be unable to feel the same as i do for her. It's so confusing when people can't express their feelings even if they aren't the ones you are exprecting. I will step back and let her have her time to think and deal with her situation but no matter the outcome i will always be there if she needs someone to talk to.

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