My life feels like it's slowly coming apart

Posted , 7 users are following.

Hey guys,

Thanks in advance for anynody that decideds to reach out, really feeling like any help on this would be amazing right now.

So this is my story...

I've been taking valium for about 4 years, I only used it very now and again when I was working in Asia as the jet lag always kicked me and my job there was flying around a lot. So I used it for a few months here and there to help with that. When ever I came back to UK I never continued or thought I had a problem.

Fast forward a few years and the usage slowly increased to using back in the UK, ordering online and taking most weekends when I partied to sleep. I felt at this time inwasnt getting a slight hooked feeling but still wasnt worried.

I then had a really bad period of insomnia cause by life/work problems (I think) and the doctor got me on a course of zopiclone. I was using that solid for 2 month plus a few valium and couple of xanex mixed in. I was away again for this period under high stress

So I've arrived back in the UK now and i just stopped taking everything.

That's when things started to hit me, it must just be massive withdraw but I didn't realise so had the doctor checking me everything from heart failure to being burnt out (which I thought was possible due to the work load and lack of good sleep for 2 months)

Anyway it's becoming obvious it's not that and the reality is I've got a massive withdraw from benzos. Took me a very long time to figure it out weirdly. But just typing this here right now it's seems so obvious?! Amazing how much I've been in denial about this, I feel so stupid now.

Anyway so ive been to the doctor who let's face it was nice but didn't have a clue how to deal with this. He sent me to a head clinic so I basically explained I was on the verge of a breakdown (I didn't know I was hooked at this time) and they said they thought I needed to get clean so have sent me to a drug rehab centre who have a massive waiting list and haven't called me back.

So here I am, the symtoms are everything you can't think of but the main one is I've zero energy and my head is super fuzzy. Also can lose my temper very fast and I've not wanted to leave my bedroom. I use to do crossfit 3 times a week and now I can't do one push up or talk to friends. I've also started sleep walking and making lots of night terrors.

I've had to pack in my job as I can't face it like this.

I have to travel and perform in 2 days at a few shows (I'm also a musician) and I have no idea how I'm going to do that right now feeling like I do.

What I guess I'm looking for is for somebody to explain what I should do now? When you feel this bad it's hard to make any sort of plan and I don't seem to be able to get any professional help at all.

So my thoughts.

Do I take loads more till I feel fine then taper off? I don't know what my dose is as I never took on a regular bases. It was so random it's hard to tell but maybe 10/20mg very 2 weeks. But then I could take loads more over a weekend then nothing for a month.

The doctor won't give me more than 21 2mg tablets and he said that's your lot. I can get them easy enough online but I'd rather it went through them tbh, it seems they just do t get it or want to help you deal with the after effects.

Also when I take it now it makes me feel horrible, no warm glow feeling like before. Gives me terrible heart palpertations and I just feel bad.

The only person I really talk to about this is my mum and I'm sure I'm going to put her into an early grave if I don't get a grip 35 for flip sake!

What would you guys suggest is a good move from here?

Thanks for your time!

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15 Replies

  • Posted

    HI jimbo..... Sorry you find yourself in this awful WD ... I too am in it from Valium but I'm doing a super slow taper and still getting hit hard, I only used daily for 6 months.,!

    i guess to my mind there's a couple of options that you have . 

    You can wait it out .... The WDs will pass , but we never know how long that will take ...

    you could find a new doctor who is willing to prescribe , go back on a dose where you feel stable( this can take time to figure out, but start lower) , and then plan a taper where you woud

     hoepfully avoid bad WDs .

    these are just my opinions , hope it's helpful..

    No guarantees with any of this it seems with benzos ....

    certainly for a lot of people a slow taper seems to minimize WDs , even tho that hasn't been my experience , but I had a cold turkey off steroids that was truly brutal so I was already not well. 

    Go to forum and join..... You will get all the support you need there if you need daily support or more help in your decisions . 

    I have met some really great people, there and you will see how much you are not alone , it helps ....

    good luck! You'll get better 


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    • Posted

      Hey cheers for that, yes seems to what I need to do is get back in and taper down. I'm just confused as to what dose that should be. The doctor only gave me 21 of the 2mg tablets which I think are not going to even touch the sides and I'm away tmw for 10 days out the country. All I have is a load of xanex left over but that seems like it could end up a right mess if I just start mixing the two.

      Part of me things just take a few months of work and deal with the WD at home on the sofa.

      I tried taking a small dose of 1mg yesterday and another last night before bed and I still feel like a space cadet today. I'm worried if I start taking loads more on a regular basis I'll end up even more hooked and this could get even worse.

      Either way looks like for the next week of work I've got no choice but to dose up if I feel I can't handle it at work. Get through then work out either a taper or detox plan when I'm back.

      My family said they'd pay for everything if I needed to take time off so I'm very lucky there .

      I joined benzobuddies. Did the intro but nobody relied? Do I need to start a thread. ?


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    • Posted

      Hi again , you are getting the rigth advice here .... Not everyone has difficult withdrawals , so I hope you will be fortunate . 

      with benzobuddies , it takes a while to find your way around , did me anyway . 

      Scroll down on the home page to " support groups" , there tons of them! But choose one or two , like the Valium taper support group , or , you can also look at General taper plans on the home page , I think you'll find crossover plans there and dosage equivalents for Xanax to Valium . Ashton also has that in her manual . 

      Some of the larger groups you don't always get responses from . I eventually ended up in the long hold support group as my taper has been so hard and I have to ' hold' for long periods to stabilize after I cut back . It's a great group . You will always get a response there , and if you post with questions someone will direct you to a group that might be helpful . 

      Youll ll be fine .... It's a huge learning curve dealing with withdrawal especially from benzos and antidepressants . But you'll get there . 


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  • Posted

    Hi there.

    I hear ya buddy, No fun at all hey...Just been through a massive anti depressant withdrawal and have been taking 1\2 a Oxazepam for 6 months because of insomnia and not looking forward to more withdrawals to come..

    Someone told me to google the ASHTONS Manuel which is fantastic to show how to taper... Not sure half the docs know how to handle withdrawals and just fob you off..I know mine does..

    It's worth looking at the Ashtons Manuel so you can make an informed choice on what to do...

    You know what's best for you and what your going through..most doctors have never suffered so have little empathy.

    If you've only been off them for a short time. I'd suggest the taper method but if it's been a couple of weeks you may want to persevere.

    Hope this can help a bit,


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    • Posted

      When you say preserve do you mean hold out on the AD and ride it through?

      I was also on antidepressants for a few years and I stopped a year ago then started using these loads to help with the WD from that ...what a mistake

      Hope you're going to ok to, thanks for the help

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    • Posted

      Hi again,

      Thanks heaps..Ive been using Oxazepam to get through the AD withdrawals too..I started to taper last night via Titration..not sure how accurate it is as there seems to be a lot of residue left after I drank So I took out the 10% but it would have more than that with the residue left over...anyway, it's a start..

      I just thought if you had been off the Benzos for a couple of weeks, you might want to persevere with the withdrawals but if youve only just started, I'd use the taper method..

      There is a conversion chart on Ashtons so you can work out what each drug is in mg compared to the other work out which one you can still get forward the long haul and use that one to start the can always swap to valium later when you get lower. valium isn't such a short acting drug compared to the others so easier to taper with.

      I'd get through the next week at work first and then when you can sit down and chill, work out how your going to move forward..

      I'm planning on working it out on a calender and hopefully, it'll work as planned lol..

      We'll smash this...Ra team..😊

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  • Posted

    So sorry youre going through this. 

    I didnt get any help from my doctor so I used the Ashton Manual as G mentioned. 

    I went back on the Ativan to start my taper but it had only been three days off. 

    I felt just like youre saying and didnt realize it was tolerance withdrawls from the benzos.

    I took a month off work and stayed home most of the was a very scary time!!

    Because you were on multiple benzos Im not sure how to get off. 

    I hope someone with a similar experience can help. 

    Youre not stupid and not going crazy.  Many of us have found ourselves in similar situations wondering how we got there.  Good luck. LC

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    • Posted

      Thanks LC,

      I do feel like a right idiot now as I kind if knew the risks but never thought I'd get addicted as I've never been addicted to anything, didn't realise it was a physical thing and not mental.

      If I can get through the next week of work that's all that matters to Me, after that I can shut up shop and deal with this head on with my family.

      The night is probably my biggest gig to date with my work so I can't cancel. I'm just praying I wake up tmw and it's one of those days I feel I can just about get through.

      It's really scared the crap out of me this whole thing.


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    • Posted

      Im so glad you gave family to support you!!

      Benzo buddies will get back to you without you starting a thread. Whenever I got discouraged I would read the posts and it would reassure me.

      God be with you. Keep us posted

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  • Posted

    Hi Jimbo.

    You must go back to your GP and ask him to put you on the Ashton plan.

    its basically a diazepam withdrawal method.

    ask him to google it if he is unfamiliar with it and also google it yourself so that you have some knowledge about the subject in hand.

    Its a very well known in drug rehab clinics and other people on this forum have used this method to come of zops etc, successfully.

    some gp's are now getting familiar with this method because a lot of us have become addicted to sleeping tablets.

    I myself have been taking them for many years, but am quite happy to carry on. I don't abuse them like some people do, just one 7.5mg a night.

    I do hope you manage to get some help, but you probably won't be able to do it alone.

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  • Posted

    Hi l am tapering off valium and tbh with you l don't know how you are coping with cold turkey from all the benzos.The advice the others have given is spot on.Prof Ashton Manuel is the way to go.Generally she advises going into Valium to taper off as Xanax has a short half life and causes withdrawal symptoms quicker.You will have to try and work out the dosage you were taking and reinstate at that dose . Stabilise there and slowly taper.Even with tapering it is difficult however it makes withdrawal a bit more manageable.Also take control of your taper and do it at a pace that you can cope with.

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    • Posted

      Hey Marleen,

      Glad everybody is saying the same thing makes it easier now to make a plan of action.

      Problem the doctor didn't give me enough to get valium to get through the next 10 days away. I do have xanex though. Do you think it would be ok to use that for while in away then move back to valium and do the taper when I'm back? Not ideal I know but I really need to have my head on my shoulders this next week as I'm traveling around Europe loads

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    • Posted

      Do whatever it takes to get you through then definitely get the valium and taper slowly.If your doctor doesn't work with you then do it yourself.You could print of the Ashton Manuel and take it into your doctor with you.Trust me you are in for a long haul just be patient and take it at your own pace.

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  • Posted

    Choose Valium and taper down very very slowly.  Of course you will feel it but not too bad if you do it slowly.  It s the only way.  After two weeks or even a month cut down again.

    Others have done it downy shouldn't t you smile

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