My life is crumbling to pieces and I have nobody to blame but myself

Hi, I'm new to this so I hope I'm doing it right.

I think I mostly need to vent, but if anyone can offer some helpful advice, I will be sure and listen.

Generally speaking, I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm 26, healthy aside from some anxiety and ADD (both controlled with meds), have a roof over my head, food on the table, gas in the tank, and a few good friends and family members. However, I feel like I have terrible luck and lately my life is so non-enjoyable, I don't really know what to do. I think I might be depressed. I feel down all the time and I've been turning to food to make me feel better.

I've been an RN for 5 years. I had a great job working night shift on labor & delivery for 3.5 years. Last year, an opening at a doctor's office came available with M-F 9-5 hours. I thought that would be a nice change with better hours as I was tired of night shift and hospital politics. But clinic isn't at all what I thought it would be. I work with two other girls, one is okay and one is literally so obnoxious, I have to bite my tongue every day in order to not just go off on her. She sings along to the radio loudly, all day long for all patients and staff to hear. I guess she thinks it's cute and funny but I cringe the whole time. She spends 99% of her day on FB and when she actually has to do her job (answer the phone and make appointments) she moans and whines like a literal 5 year old child and claims "we make her work too hard!" She doesn't even do the actual clinical/care side that me and the other girl do! She goes around the office and farts on us and thinks it's hilarious and tells us to lighten up if we tell her she's being rude. She will go behind us and pull our hair or tickle us when we're trying to work. Or she'll go outside and find dead bugs and put them in our chair. She's 42 years old!! She's our manager's favorite employee and she's been there for 18 years and makes it well known that no one can nor will ever be able to do her job as well as she can so it would literally do no good to complain. It doesn't bother the other girl too bad (I guess she's used to it) and i just try and ignore her. But when I do, I get called "no fun" or a "stick in the mud". I'm all for office banter but I loathe being interrupted when I'm trying to work and I get so embarrassed when she's singing or talking or laughing so loudly, all the patients can hear her as usually her topics aren't rated G.

Not only that, but I dislike the job itself. All I do is talk on the phone to people and pharmacies all day long. Or I get to handle the doctors asking me to do 900 things at once. I miss working 3 days a week and I miss taking care of the newborns and helping new parents get comfortable in their new roles. I wish I would've never left. I could ask to go back, however, I don't want to go back to night shift and day shift doesn't pay as well as my current job so I can't afford it. My other option is to pursue travel nursing. I'm definitely looking into it and I've got interviews this week. However, today, our manager informed me that next week will be my one year anniversary with the office and she would like to take us all out to dinner since I've tolerated it a whole year... SMH. I haven't told them I'm thinking of leaving and I'll feel like a piece of crap if I turn in a notice after an anniversary dinner. That's like breaking up with someone the day after their Birthday. I have no idea what to do there, they really like me at the office but I hate the job. I want to go back to doing what I liked but I feel horribly guilty for even starting and leaving after just a year. I feel so guilty that I just cry when I think about leaving because I hate letting them all down. Even though I'm unhappy.

Then, my bf of 2.5 years has recently informed me that he's unsure if he wants any more children. He has a 3 & 5 year old from a previous marriage. He shares joint custody, and pays a lot of money in child support to his ex that left him for another man. It was an ugly divorce and he and his ex still aren't on great terms. When we first started dating, he was all for having more children, as I wanted more. Now he says he's unsure if he wants the added stress and difficulty to his life. His kids are wild and difficult to control and maybe the situation has left him resentful? I am lost as to what to do. If I stay and he never comes around to the idea, I will be sad I never got to live out my dream of being a mom. But I can't stand the thought of leaving him and his kids as I have gotten extremely attached to them. I see them every day he's with them and I love spending time with them. I take them to the park, the zoo, the toy store once a week, fairs, playgrounds, etc and I love every minute of it. He said he's not sure he completely doesn't want kids as he could totally change his mind in a year. He's been battling chronic depression for two years and I wonder if that's played a part. He just started meds, I hope they'll help.

I just don't know what to do. I wish I could just pack up and get a new ID and move. But then I'd miss everyone.

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