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Hello, my name is John, and I stumbled upon this website when I was looking for something that can "cure" what I have been feeling for years. In order for any of you to understand, I would have to tell you all of the dramatic experiences I've had that could be the reason why I'm feeling this way.
First off, ever since the summer of 2004, I have not felt like the same old me. During the summer, me and a couple of my friends were playing in the woods, jumping around and playing with tree branches and such. We were messing around, pushing eachother until I fell and scraped my leg. We continued to play until it got dark out, Soso went home to go get something to eat. Not even caring about cleaning the wound. When I walked into the house, I overheard my mother talking to my grandmother about how she got a scrape that got infected, and she almost died from it. I got scared, panicky, and immediately ran to the bathroom to clean the wound. I then overheard my mother talking to a friend who recently lost her boyfriend in a tragic situation where he drowned in a lake. I also got scared from that mostly dye due to the fact that I fear dying.
Each day went by and I still felt scared, thinking that I'm going to get an infection in my leg, thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Thinking that I'm going to die. Each day went by, and this feeling I have been experiencing in my upper stomach/lower chest area was getting worse. I wasn't happy, I felt sad, I felt like crying, and I didn't know why. All of that was boggled in the area I mentioned, and I hated it.
A month went by, and I'm still experiencing this problem. My family has noticed that there's something going on with me. I was sleeping at awkward times, I was sleeping in the living room on the recliner because I felt slightly better doing that. I was doing really weird stuff, for one I felt a good sensation to my penis, just randomly, which inevitably led me to masturbation. I started masturbating every single night. It felt good, but it only made what I was feeling worse.
A few weeks before school started, my family decided to buy some Little Caesar's Pizza, they know that I love eating Pizza, which is why the got it for me. I took a bite, looked at the pizza, and I started crying. They didn't know what was wrong. I ran to my room, crying and saying, "There's something wrong with me." My parents didn't know what was going on. I told them what caused this "feeling" but they didn't understand. I felt like I was going to die.
My family took me to several doctors, and they all said that it's probably just puberty. I had a sense of relief, but deep down, that feeling is still there, even to this very day. I understood that my body is changing, and my hormones is going crazy, but I didn't think that I would be having these experiences where I'm thinking that I'm going to die.
As 5th grade came, a couple months into the school year I started doing really weird stuff. I was sleeping on the kitchen floor, I thought to myself that my mother is trying to poison me with a "golden" sedative. I was having constant thoughts of killing myself, but never acted on it. I just wanted that feeling to stop, so I can feel normal again.
My weird feeling in the chest area went down a little until the day before my birthday. My blonde attractive neighbor came over to my house to play. I wrote her note asking her if she can suck my penis. And she replied saying yes, tomorrow. I was excited. Next day, she came over, I wore sweat pants so I can easily pull out my penis, she proceeded to give me oral. A couple minutes later I prematurely ejaculate into her mouth. Note that I'm almost 13 years old, and she's 10. Which is really bad for not only me but her as well. After I ejaculated, that feeling came back worse than ever before, especially since I felt guilty because my mother would constantly tell me to "never have sex until you're married." My neighbor whispered into my ear, "This will be our little secret."
The day went on, and that feeling was getting worse and worse. It got to the point where I walked upstairs with my mother, and I dropped to the ground, breaking down with tears streaming down my face. She asked what was wrong, and I told her I did a very bad thing. We went into her room, and I told her what happened with my neighbor and I. She was very angry at me, not knowing what to do, I'm still sitting there, crying in guilt. Not knowing why I'm doing these crazy actions.
I had the same feeling every single day, and I couldn't explain how it felt. All I know is that I hated it. The only time I felt at peace was when I went to bed. Sleep made everything better for me.
At school, I acted very differently. Normally I would be one to be outgoing, talkative, smiling and laughing. Always getting good grades, always the first to raise my hand to answer a question, always the first one to help someone. Always trying to find ways to do more. I would get Straight A's, always would get citizenship awards. In 4th grade I was a peer mediator and a crossroad guard. In 5th grade everything stopped. I didn't talk to anybody, I hated being at class, I wanted to go home. Instead of trying to help people, I started to hurt people's feelings. I would call people names, I would make fun of them, I would take this kids pizza every Wednesday. I bullied kids. The friends that knew me didn't talk to me as much after that. I would befriend a new student, act like I'm a cool guy, then turn around and try to fight them for no absolute reason. This new guy was sitting in the classroom, nobody went to talk to him, but me. He was cool, smart, and was very talented in basketball. We were good friends until one day we went to the bathroom and I asked him, "Let's Shadow box man." He said he didn't want to, I kept asking until he said fine. Instead of faking punches, I actually started hitting him. I punched him in the gut three times, picked him up, threw him to the ground, and punched him more more. He got up and yelled "Stop! Okay!" I loved the feeling if hitting someone. And I didn't know why.
I continually experienced these feelings up until 6th grade Health class. We watched a movie that showed the negatives of smoking. I saw a person that had a hole in her throat because of smoking. I got scared to the point where I started having a panic attack. I didn't know what to do, and I hoped nobody was watching me. It kept happening until something clicked. The panic attack ended, and I had this sense of huge relief that poured into that feeling I was having in my lower chest area. It felt like it was cured. I wasn't feeling anything like I was in the past couple years. I felt much better, but my personality changed from it.
I was more nervous now. I would usually be able to walk up to anybody and have a conversation and be friend them. But now I wasn't able to. I felt like nobody would want to be my friend. I wasn't the outgoing, friendly, talkative person anymore. And I didn't like that one bit because I wanted to talk to people, I wanted to be the first one to raise their hand to answer a question or help someone. But something inside me was preventing me from doing that.
When I was younger, I felt very confident. I could perform in front of groups of people, look directly into their eyes, and not feel nervous at all. Now I cant even stand in front of a small group without being nervous.
As years went on, these problems continued to get worse. Personality changed, still not feeling like myself.
I'm in college now, I have a good gpa, but still no friends. Can barely talk to anybody without feeling extremely nervous. I'm not in any groups, I'm not contributing to society, I have no job, and I'm feeling like a worthless piece of garbage. I recently had a speech that ended up into a huge failure because I was so God Damn nervous, but deep down I know that I can do it, but my body doesn't let me. My neck gets extremely stiff, forcing me to look a certain way.
Everytime my class would start, my neck would stiffen up, and I would be unable to look left or right. I can barely move my head up, I'm always forced to look down. Every time I try to look up, my hand would automatically go to my face, even when I don't want to, it still does it anyways.
I don't know what was wrong with me in the past, and I don't know why I'm feeling nervous when I'm not supposed to. I just don't know what's wrong with me. If you managed to read the entire life story I habe written, I sincerely salute to you, and I hope that you don't judge me. I just need some help, I need to figure out how to get past this, and I want to be that old me. I want to feel as confident as I did in the past where I can do something without caring about the negatives all of the time. My childhood was ruined because of this problem. I've lost friends, missed out on many many opportunities. I was asked by this pretty girl in middle school to be her boyfriend, and I said no because of what people would think of me if I did decide to be her boyfriend.
I don't know if there's something legitimately wrong with me that requires medical attention, or if puberty just caused a chemical imbalance that led to more chemical imbalances, or if this is just the way that I am now. All I know is that I'm hoping that someone in this world understands this feeling that I have experienced since 4th grade. I'm getting sick and tired of dealing with it. I just want to be my old self again. Someone that can make a difference like what I did in the past.
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