Posted , 4 users are following.
Let me start from the beginning. When I was younger elementary school young. I did fit in with a majority of people when it came to making them laugh. I didn't really consider anything wrong with myself at the time. But after 3rd grade is when the turn for social decline started. I stopped fitting in and people viewed me as more weird and ignorant. My attention span and memory were terrible. I stopped paying attention to the people around me and fell out the loop of interaction. I was able to keep 2 friends most. My home life was very isolated because I avoided going outside or simple socializing because I was always watching TV or playing video games. So I was even more out of the loop of the events going on around me, which led to having nothing to talk about with people. My mind would go blank or I would look ignorant. I kinda expected people to like me for no reason but in reality I didn't off anything. I was\still am ignorant to basic things like new music,things going on in the school and pretty much everywhere. Fast forward to 2012 and I started smoking weed often when I was with my buddy. It made me even more stupid but being high at the time was a passable excuse. Going into 2013 I started experimenting around with k2 and weed. Still making me even more ignorant being high I continued smoking till I hated being sober. I had a girlfriend from August of 2013 to this last march. I lied my ass off and ton advantage of her caring about me. When I wasnt smoking and with her , looking forward to smoking were my thoughts. I hid my phone and always made sure to delete texts. I looked forward to any chance of smoking. Idk how and why we made it over two years, but she ended up leaving me for guy she works with. I cant be mad because they actually share interest and do more than shop and sit at each others houses. But back to mind set. I was going completely retarded on k2 in December last yea, than quit k2 but continued to smoke weed heavy.I eventually had a break down in march and ran off. For a couple reasons, I knew my ex was moving closer to her new bf and I couldn't handle it. When I came home she clung to me but i was to blind to react to her signs of wanting me. Because I went back to smoking heavy and figured she would tolerate it. Well I ended up completely shutting down and didn't talk to her. Which indicated to her that we were over. This put me through pain saking depression and anxiety. From morning to night for a few weeks. That went untreated because my mom and brother didn't reach out and neither did I right away. And now I just feel empty. Nothing interest me,I dont have hobbies or anything besides work. But that gives me anxiety because of my blank mind and fixation on my ex. When I do smoke weed now, it makes me paranoid and anxious. And drinking makes me feel completely disconnected. Sober my mind barely thinks and cant process new memory and my attention span is complete garbage. So that depresses me because I cant socialize if im ignorant to even the conversation im having, people dont even think im interested in by them. It shows really bad but in reality I want to be able to care and remember what they say or do. My brain feels hollow, almost a deteriorating feeling, its only getting worse. I started counseling which doesn't help much at all, I got reccomended for antidepressants but my Dr wants me to see a psychiatrist now. To be honest I cant even tell what I typed to begin with without rereading it . my mind feels like an endless reel that never stops. There's the picture and scene, now its gone. Without a trace,
1 like, 22 replies