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My mind has always been simple and drugs may have finished it off.

Posted , 4 users are following.

rich32120
rich32120

Let me start from the beginning. When I was younger elementary school young. I did fit in with a majority of people when it came to making them laugh. I didn't really consider anything wrong with myself at the time. But after 3rd grade is when the turn for social decline started. I stopped fitting in and people viewed me as more weird and ignorant. My attention span and memory were terrible. I stopped paying attention to the people around me and fell out the loop of interaction. I was able to keep 2 friends most. My home life was very isolated because I avoided going outside or simple socializing because I was always watching TV or playing video games. So I was even more out of the loop of the events going on around me, which led to having nothing to talk about with people. My mind would go blank or I would look ignorant. I kinda expected people to like me for no reason but in reality I didn't off anything. I was\still am ignorant to basic things like new music,things going on in the school and pretty much everywhere. Fast forward to 2012 and I started smoking weed often when I was with my buddy. It made me even more stupid but being high at the time was a passable excuse. Going into 2013 I started experimenting around with k2 and weed. Still making me even more ignorant being high I continued smoking till I hated being sober. I had a girlfriend from August of 2013 to this last march. I lied my ass off and ton advantage of her caring about me. When I wasnt smoking and with her , looking forward to smoking were my thoughts. I hid my phone and always made sure to delete texts. I looked forward to any chance of smoking. Idk how and why we made it over two years, but she ended up leaving me for guy she works with. I cant be mad because they actually share interest and do more than shop and sit at each others houses. But back to mind set. I was going completely retarded on k2 in December last yea, than quit k2 but continued to smoke weed heavy.I eventually had a break down in march and ran off. For a couple reasons, I knew my ex was moving closer to her new bf and I couldn't handle it. When I came home she clung to me but i was to blind to react to her signs of wanting me. Because I went back to smoking heavy and figured she would tolerate it. Well I ended up completely shutting down and didn't talk to her. Which indicated to her that we were over. This put me through pain saking depression and anxiety. From morning to night for a few weeks. That went untreated because my mom and brother didn't reach out and neither did I right away. And now I just feel empty. Nothing interest me,I dont have hobbies or anything besides work. But that gives me anxiety because of my blank mind and fixation on my ex. When I do smoke weed now, it makes me paranoid and anxious. And drinking makes me feel completely disconnected. Sober my mind barely thinks and cant process new memory and my attention span is complete garbage. So that depresses me because I cant socialize if im ignorant to even the conversation im having, people dont even think im interested in by them. It shows really bad but in reality I want to be able to care and remember what they say or do. My brain feels hollow, almost a deteriorating feeling, its only getting worse. I started counseling which doesn't help much at all, I got reccomended for antidepressants but my Dr wants me to see a psychiatrist now. To be honest I cant even tell what I typed to begin with without rereading it . my mind feels like an endless reel that never stops. There's the picture and scene, now its gone. Without a trace,

1 like, 22 replies

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  • 1Advocate
    1Advocate rich32120

    Posted

    Hello, Rich --

    You've figured out its all a trap now so the question becomes this: What are you going to do about it? You jumped on the merry go round of doping yourself out of reality but are frustrated that the world is going on without you so you can either fall further into that trap or escape it and work at finding something in this life that makes it worth living. That, done properly, can only lead you into the spiritual realm where you will find hope -- or you can dawdle a bit longer looking for worldly answers. It's your turn at bat.

    • rich32120
      rich32120 1Advocate

      Posted

      I try to find interest but struggle to retain information, my mind literally feels gone. Forced or not my thoughts are slow,repetitive or just not there. I can type this. But cant apply myself in real life, when it comes to responding to a conversation or situation. It makes no sense. Even faking it doesn't help, because inside I still empty and people can probably tell how fake my reaction is. Im waiting for the psychiatrist to respond. Then again k2 could have fried my brain. Idk anymore. Trying is all we have but my attempts are futile. It could be a mental block,me being dumb or just bad in real world situations.
    • rich32120
      rich32120 1Advocate

      Posted

      Alright I will check them out, honestly you are right about getting clean. Because I have went over a week without smoking then relapsed. So I never fully gave myself a chance. And the most effort I have tried is counseling and maybe it doesn't work because I allow to many negative thoughts into my head, that let me be unproductive without a real reason. Im not ruling out laziness as a cause, but im not fully letting myself believe im average in the mind. Until im clean, because paws can play a lot of roles after quitting, right now my thoughts are open on my mental issues. Because pills are my very last resort because counseling doesn't go further than talking, plus I can type this out, so my subconscious must be fine. Its just my working memory and attention span that are my problems, im also debating a lot on how much TV time ive had over the years. Or that could play no role. To be real im just very confused about my social withdrawal and lack of interest in the world going on, because im not trying to single it out on one thing. When its hard to understand it myself. It could be any reason like a mental block, or drug use and so on.
    • rich32120
      rich32120

      Posted

      Im trying to stay open minded with my personal debate.
    • 1Advocate
      1Advocate rich32120

      Posted

      Time is shorter than you know. Get yourself straight. 
    • laura11452
      laura11452 rich32120

      Posted

      Hi rich

      I have read everything you have written and you are very articulate when it comes to explaining your situation.  So that is not a problem for you.. But I agree with 1Advocate you need to give yourself time off drugs and alcohol to let your brain clear and get rid of the fog..This can take a lot longer than a week even up to a year.  

      Counseling although very beneficial will be a struggle for you as you won't be able to retain infomration on what you have learnt.  Plus you have used drugs to dull your emotions down and these will take time to be revealed...

      Its a journey of self discovery all over again but if you stick to it very worth while.

      Have you went to a support group? These are great for helping you realise everything you are going through and that you are not on your own when it come to emotions, feelings, withdrawal etc etc.  It also explains the fixations we get with people, places and things.  Once we get a really good undersatnding of why we use drugs and how it affects us mentally and pyhsically it helps with the process to stop using..

      You need to give your body and mind time to heal and then things will start to fall into place.  But you have to do the work to get to where you want to go and that takes time..

       

    • rich32120
      rich32120 laura11452

      Posted

      Yeah im going to avoid weed, because my brother is also quitting or atleast not smoking at our house. But even before drugs I had this problem. Which is my real concern. Because how bad its carrying over. And my parents weren't the most helpful growing up because they just argued with each other about which one should do something with me, so Idk
  • lester90053
    lester90053 rich32120

    Posted

    The good thing is that you still have a job to go to every day. The rest can be taken care of by going into rehab.
  • richard89308
    richard89308 rich32120

    Posted

    rich you seem troubled and are trying to forget why. antidepressants should help and you need to be able to open up to the counselor to get the best outcome.

    i do hope that you feel better in the next couple of months.

    • rich32120
      rich32120 richard89308

      Posted

      I am troubled because my whole life, has been a struggle to fit in or atleast have a real personality. Because my lack of memory and attention limits my ability to jump into a topic retain the information and move on to another topic, video games was my biggest interest for a long time but I couldn't just go out and play new games because I stayed to a select few with no real reason. Besides being familiar I guess. I cant even recall a majority of my child hood, because my mind only visuals a few memoies, even the visuals are dull and not in depth. And Laura if you met me in person I would come off as a retard because like i said i cant hold a conversation or even focus on the one at hand. I dont know how I can type this, but in real world situations come off as a dumby. And ive been like this even before drugs, but drugs haven't made anything better at. Only worse so right now my barely functions and if I have a learning disability or problem. Its probably too far gone at this point. Because 17 years of struggling with almost 3 years of heavy smoking doesn't turn out good at the end
    • rich32120
      rich32120 richard89308

      Posted

      And i have been completely open about everything with my counselor and it honestly confused him or something because he kept saying he is just trying to understand then said he feels bad for me in my situation. No one understands my sitiauton because for one everyone has different minds and people assume that it is not that bad or I can just snap out of it.
    • richard89308
      richard89308

      Posted

      The way you talk is rambling and confusing to me.  I appreciate that you may not have had a social life growing up. Why not make up for that by starting to meet people and learning about life.
    • rich32120
      rich32120 richard89308

      Posted

      Yeah we can talk, sorry about rambling. Its just once I get started on explaining this stuff, I lose track and just keep typing as if we are talking in person.
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