My mind is a viscous cycle it can be hard to cope. Any advice?

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Here I am again posting on these insted of getting my butt to the doctors but sadly my doctors surgery is always busy and my work like to leave the rotas until last minute!

Anyway like in the title my mind is a viscious cycle.

Some normal and some I question and wonder why I do those things.

First off I have no idea what kind of person I am I can be nice but I can be horrible I can like this then suddenly despise it and it does sometimes effect my relationships not really friendship as I don't have that many friends.

I suffered depression when I was a teen and was extraimly angry at everyone in my family they would judge me but really they were just warning me. I smoked weed for a few years and ended up getting anxiety which is my own fault I accept that but I have always had anxeity it just got worse when I smoked weed. If something doesn't go the way I planned it I burst into tears and get angry but of course that means I am a spoilt child according to my mum I got everything and was spoilt.

Yes I had a roof over my head

Yes I got well fed

but I didn't have nice clothes like most kids did

I never had as much things as most kids did

When I started growing breasts and girls in my year at school were wearing bra's I wasn't allowed to because according to my mum it wasn't breasts it was just fat because I was chubby growing up.

It wasn't the worst life but I definetly wasn't spoilt! When I was self harming really badly and attempting sucide my mum dragged me to the doctors and they ONLY showed concered when I said I skipped a meal...that angered me so much you only care about people with eating disorders that is a mental health problem. So someome trying overdose and cry out for help is just "a spoilt child" I am 22 now I am pretty damn sure the ragginggg teenage hormoans have passed now and as the years go on I get more depressed and more angry. I got myself into debt a few years ago because I was being greedy with payday loans and just wanted to spend spend spend so now I have to wait another 3 years until it's cleared and Im being refused phone contracts it sucks but it was my own fault. I am sorry for rambling but I just feel so let down by everyone but then at the same time I question myself am I just a spoilt brat? when I haven't been spoilt? I also find it hard to cope with work as I can't seem to accept the customer is always right. I am getting an atidute in work to customers and sometimes I don't care I need some kind of help I know there is a nice girl in there because I am nice but it's these moods these thoughts that mess me up and I never know what kind of mood I am in or what kind of personality I am what is my fave colour is it pink or red or blue I don't know. *deep breath* Well I salute whoever takes time out their lives to read this lol cheers

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14 Replies

  • Posted

    sounds like your in an identity crisis cara.  Sorry you had a difficult time growing up.  That does not help personal development and maybe it's why you have had difficulties. Sometimes it takes just a bit longer to find your way in life but I think you are learning fast from mistakes made and things will improve over time.

    Richard

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    • Posted

      Thank you. I know and I hope one day I will and I am starting to get some things undercontrol like my driving lessons but it only seems to happen when I get a bit mental I know for a fact soon as I hit a low I will just give up again it's so hard but thank you for your kind words I really need it xxxx
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  • Posted

    we all get good and bad days the trick is to keep going and trying.  Otherwise we fail.

    R

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    • Posted

      yeah Im sure I will get there I just wish I was getting some help but sometimes I think I don't need it the only person that can help me IS me x
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  • Posted

    I don't know where you work but in most reasonable workplaces you should be allowed a reasonable time off, say an hour in the morning or the evening to attend a medical appointment. Of course, you need to make your appointment then rather than in the middle of the day.

    You are grown-up now - most of us think we have miserable childhoods yet when we mix with other people we can laugh at them. Are you involved in any social activities or go to evening classes, go to a gym etc?

    You don't say if you are in a relationship nor how old you are.

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    • Posted

      Hey I am planning to go back to hockey just finding the time to do so and I have a gym member ship but haven't been able to go since I have been having problems with my back but managed to get time off this week so booked a docs appointment since exercise, stretching, ibroprofen doesn't help the pain at all I hate feeling like this. I am looking to get a new job aswell and I'm 22 and have been in a realtionship for nearly 2 years. He's a good guy sometimes wonder why he puts up with me lol 
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    • Posted

      Ask for counselling while you are about it. You are in the US, I believe. I would suggest that you find a US site because I don't know about the practical situation in the States.
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    • Posted

      Yeah Im going to ask them that on thursday thank you for your advice I appreciate it. I am actualy in Scotland in the UK but I'm pretty sure there are plenty of services I just need to find them smile
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    • Posted

      Find stepping stones online get a phone nr and ask for help good luck..
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  • Posted

    hello again wee cara,  from your blog you are giving yourself a hard time.  We all make mistakes.  Try not to judge your mistakes too harshly but learn from them instead.  I have had mental health problems debt problems and identity problems but in the end you learn and put it down to experience.

    nice to hear from you again

    Richard

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  • Posted

    You could do with a chat with your GP, ask for an emergency appointment as mental health issues are not routine like ingrowing toe nails or a fungal infections.

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  • Posted

    Hi it sounds liek you have BPD - borderline personality disorder..ask to see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis. I wish you luck.
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