my mothers severe treatment resistant depression

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I have never suffered from depression. I hold a degree and had good career potential. I am an only child and so is my mother.  My mother (currently 69) has been suffering from severe treatment-resistant depression for over three years. I initially had to quit my job to help care but am now seeking employment. She has been in and out of the hospital for years and has even had many electro-convulsive therapies. she is home now. Every minute of every day she is suffering (crying, frightened why this is happening to her, wants to die to stop the feelings) and I can't take watching my soul mate / best friend suffering every minute of every day any more. The nurse said there is nothing else they can do apart from rest-bite in a care home. her life is a living hell, so is my dads and so is mine. this illness is ruining our small family and my marriage. I have sought therapy for myself to try to cope, but it does not help. Seeing my mother severely tortured on a daily basis is making me very unwell and I see no hope. It may help if I find someone in a similar position that's why I have posted in this forum. Maybe I am not alone.

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  • Posted

    Sorry regards your Mother, you and Father must be going through the mill. Your Husband must be very concerned

    Do you have any idea why She is the way she is, I undrstand this is not the same as you. My Father died from Demntia and I looked after an Aunt that had managed to hide her ondition until Her Husband died, it was really heart breaking dealing with Social Services Doctors and speialists.

    Eventually in this type of condition your Mother has sometimes a Respite centre could give family some time to catch their breath for a week or so.

    In some areas your Mam could be introduced into a Day Centre to give you and your Dad a period of peace where you can go shopping or whatever to give that time everyone needs. Your husband must also be worried for you, so even there you need time for yourself

    Sad to say sometimes when this sort of thing happens you both need time out no-onew will think badly at that. You and Husband need time to live. Start looking for alternative actions to give you a time of relaxation together.

    One thing I did learn was never let Social Servics blakmail you when it comes to asking for some time out for your family. You will become stale and that never helps carers

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    • Posted

      Thank you borderriever for your words. It is a little soothing to know that others have gone through similar experiences to myself. My mother does go into a day care centre once or twice a week to give myself and my dad a break. I feel my main issue with this situation is that my mother and kind of connected. Even if I am not in her precence I know that she is suffering so badly, and knowing this I suffer too.  It has become unbearable.  This is what I cannot find a solution to.  Than you again for your reply, everything helps.
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    • Posted

      I have never been in your position, Helen, but I can empathise with you.

      I am sure your mother is very ill and I admire you for caring so much, you are a beautiful, caring person.  But do you think your mother would want you to be feeling as you are now?  Would she want you to be suffering? 

      You have a life of your own and I am sure she would want you to live it without guilt.

      I really feel for you and I hope you find some sort of solution.

      Pat xxxx

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    • Posted

      Hello Helen

      When it comes to something like this you will feel her pain no matter what you do. The basic thing you need to understand it will eat you up and spit you out, you need to protect yourself from that. It becomes a very hard thing to learn, although it can be done

      Consider this. how would your Mother feel if She knew about the problems you need to address, Generally with Mental Health, when it is severe the person in many cases will not understand the situation She is putting yourself under, they live the time and not the day.

      You need to understand the plight and then you can move on in a restricted way. I found that you need to understand, Health Professionals can look at the problem in its whole, the patients family look and one situation at any given time and play catchup, with the condition. You need to look at your Mothers condition in the round then work towards that conclusion. I always found when dealing with some palliative cases looking in the round will help you and your concience in the end will become that much clearer. We all need to understand the implications of the situation we are in and work to that conclusion.

      Your memories will be clear, because you have done your best.

      Try remembering the good times, sometimes you will be able to talk to your Mother and memories will flood back. I also found that pictures of times past can also work and calm severe times your mother is suffering. I any way keep working on activities of the family unit and past and present friendships.

      One thing that seems to calm is if your Mother would watch certain TV programs, discuss them with Her, by light and persistant actions

      Be firm and kind

      BOB

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    • Posted

      I have been through this situation now so many times, my family was unable to hack this and would pass it down to me. I looked upon myself as the Angel of Death.

      All I can suggest carers have need,s as do the Patient, families burn up and that needs to be addressed as does patient care. It is a very hard thing to do and maintain that certain detached mood families need to understand

      BOB

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  • Posted

    Sorry to hear you mum is suffering...,,her health will surely impact on everyone else who loves and cares for her.  Has she had any ECT? It worked wonders for a relative of mine, and two friends.  I think you should also take advantage of any respite care that may be offered, for mums sake and yours too.  Is there any occupational therapy available to her?  I'm sure you are already involving her in small daily tasks? Making decisions abut shopping? Cooking light meals?  I have depression and live alone.  Last year at this tie I wouldn't go out

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    • Posted

      Thanks for your reply. Yes Iris she has had over 12 ECT sessions and therapies such as CBT. When the depression "comes over her" as she describes it, she cannot even walk properly let alone feed herself.  She also has to be reminded to use the toilet.

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    • Posted

      I remember ECT was mentioned above. The problem can be it affects memory for a time afterwards. This can also cause alarm when family members see this temporary contraindiation.

      BOB

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    • Posted

      How long does it take before She sees positive results from ECT.

      I have known people who have gone through various courses of this and I always feel sometimes there is something lacking for a time.

      How is She now

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  • Posted

    you have a hard decision to make about her care. She had a difficult time the first time. So choose her a nice and welcoming care home where there will be no harm to her just kindness.
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