My own experiences

Posted , 4 users are following.

Hi all,

I'm a new member and a first time poster. I've found myself self diagnosing and thought I may have any one of avoidant personality disorder, dependent personality disorder and social anxiety disorder. I understand that it is not appropriate or even possible to diagnose a condition online I thought I would post a thread about my circumstances to see what those with more experience on these issues think. 

I'm a 24 year old male with a job, I have a group of friends (although I wonder how valued I am by some of them) of whom I am the quietest - especially in the context of a large group. For as long as I can remember I've been shy, but I'm starting to wonder if there is perhaps more to it. 

I have a great fear of what others think of me. I try to avoid confrontation and arguments at all cost but I find myself obsessing over these situations for days on end when they occur. I worry about the consequences of my actions and find myself concentrating on the worst possible outcomes. 

My need to be liked and to be as friendly and polite as possible to everyone feels over the top. If I think someone dislikes me I dwell on it. Doesn't matter all that much if they irrelevant in my daily life, it will invariably get me down. Especially if I feel I have been misunderstood or am the wronged party. I crave approval and if someone validates me it will be the highlight of my day and vice versa. I think my fear of rejection is linked to this. Although I have a girlfriend, I have always had a hard time with the opposite sex. I always found it nigh on impossible to approach a girl growing up without being reasonably certain she would reciprocate my feelings. 

Generally I find myself able to interact perfectly well with people on a one on one or small group basis. So I generally don't have that many problems getting on with others and forming cordial relationships, this has probably been helped since it is always my goal. It's not always been a bad thing, at high school awards I won the "nicest" award (yes we had those type of awards!) but I am very critical of myself. I find it hard to look in mirrors even though I obsess over my appearance and I constantly worry about being boring or offensive. 

Don't know if it is evident from this post but I also feel like I have a lot of self pitty. Maybe it's self loathing. Maybe I'm being melodramatic, really not sure. 

Not been able to fit these points elsewhere in the post but I should probably say that I don't have any problem visiting busy places, indeed I'm often the one who suggests we should go to nightclubs etc and I have no problem going on the dance floor with friends. I have no urges to hurt myself or anyone else. 

I wondered if others have experienced similar symptoms or know people who have and I would be grateful for there contributions.  

0 likes, 4 replies

4 Replies

  • Posted

    You just sound sensitive and loving to me. The problem is when we compare ourselves to the outside world is that, we see mean, angry, greedy and self centered people and when we can't or don't want to compete with this we feel like a failure.

    i mean I should just speak for myself.

    im like you, kind. I never want too confront anyone even if I feel they are being destructive or rude. I stuff all these feelings and end up anxious. I'm always trying to do exactly the right thing and if I don't I too obsess over it for days.

    we can only be our authentic selves.

    i wish there were more people like you. I think self acceptance is the key and as you age you will find this.

    • Posted

      I think in my reply post I agree with you Rose, I've gone on to say that CBT would be good to cognitively see those qualities as positive and in doing so improve self esteem, confidence and change the negative thoughts associated with them. Assertiveness training is also good when having to confront someone as is expressing to someone how they have made you feel with a comment or something, I often find that they are truly sorry as it wasn't their intention to upset, if it was then they can go stick it as they have the problem. 
  • Posted

    Hi Bry1989, the first thing I'd say is congratulations and how brave you are to express your feelings like this. Most are perfectly normal and make us who we are some people are shy others are openly extroverts. We all have a basic desire to be accepted, praised , validated and avoid confrontation.

    Your niceness and unwillingness to hurt people is a positive quality to have as nobody likes an arrogant, bully who doesn't care about others or what people think of them. 

    Perhaps you've got an unrealistic expectation of yourself which a good CBT therapist would be able to help you with to re adjusting those thoughts to something more positive , it's worth perusing and would make a huge difference to your self esteem and outlook on you life as a whole.  Google CBT in your area or go see your GP and ask for a referral to one. Good luck and keep posting! 

  • Posted

    I know exactly where you are coming from. I've always been a fairly confident person, shy when first meeting but after that I'm okay and can have a laugh. I've never had a large group of friends more of a small closer knit group which has always suited me. And like you, I was always the person suggested to do something and to go places, that never bothers me or being in a busy environment. 

    I was in a happy part time job, which I left to start a full time job at aged 21 which I did not want to be doing, this so lasted 2 days and when my anxiety and panic all started, so I am still trying to deal with everything and adjust, but I am okay about the situation.

    I would not recommend to use google for self diagnosis, although think we can all say we have done so. I would recommend to go to see a doctor and they might give you some medication whether you choose to take it or not. Also, talking to either a friend, if you do not feel comfortable talking to a friend over it all, which I did not want to do at first, I would recommend going to see a counsellor. It has made me realise so much even though it's been 5 weeks of it so far!

    Hope this helps smile 

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