My partner drinks way too much and I don't know what to do
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A quick bit of history. My partner of 11 years has always been a heavy drinker. I was a bit worried but it wasn't every day and it never affected her work or everyday life. She had a good job and lots of friends. 8 years ago she became ill and collapsed on the street while I was away. This led to her developing anxiety issues and becoming agoraphobic. She lost her job and basically became a shut in. Her drinking also became much worse.
8 years on and things haven't improved much. Her anxiety is improving after finally agreeing to go on antidepressants. She's getting out more often which is great. But she hasn't worked since the incident and her drinking has got worse. Before it was 2 bottles of wine a night. The last 4 months she's drinking 4-5 bottles of vodka or gin a week, often hitting 150 units. She doesn't think she's doing anything wrong, gets defensive about her drinking and says that I'm the one with the problem. it's the cause of all of our arguments. I earn a decent wage but half of my wages each week go on cigarettes and alcohol for her. It's got to the point where we are a considerable amount of debt.
A week ago i had eye surgery so I'm pretty useless at the moment and she's supposed to be looking after me but she's been permanently drunk since the surgery. I love her but it's like living with two different people I just don't know what to do anymore. Does anyone have any advice?
2 likes, 3 replies
barbara66703 James1889
Edited
Try to introduce him to understanding that Alcohol Use Disorder is a disease.
It's a tough issue to cope with, my son died from AUD . Broke my heart.
Also in many cases it becomes also a serious mental health issue is also at risk. Addict,ion -Treatment involves counseling, such as behavioral therapy, and medications that reduce the desire to drink. Some people need medical detoxification to stop drinking safely. Mutual support groups help people stop drinking, manage relapses and cope with necessary lifestyle changes.
Never stop drinking alcohol without the help of professionals can lead to heat attacks and strokes.
Call the nearest AUD treatment center for more info. Become your own advocate , learn as much about this disease as possible. Attend a treatment center or group support system for your own mental health . You are at risk too and learning coping techniques can help you too.
kb117 James1889
Edited
First, you must stop giving her money for alcohol. When she says you're the one with the problem, she's partly right if you're contributing funds to her substance abuse. Enough said.
Second, help her to understand you're only concerned because you love her. You want her to be healthy, physically and mentally. You want her to be truly happy, instead of masking her fear. You want more for her than she currently wants for herself and that's not fair to her or you.
Also, what lead her to start drinking in the first place?
a79637 James1889
Edited
I saw that your post was 6 months ago so things may be very different for you and your partner right now but I’ve only just joined this group and wanted to reply although none of this may be relevant.
I have struggled with alcohol misuse for most of my life so I wanted to offer some advice from that perspective, although I can only speak from my own experience which will be different from your partners.
When you’re intoxicated your mind/opinions/thoughts are scewed. But they make perfect sense to you in that moment, but as you sober they become scewed in the opposite direction as your system has to recompensate for having been altered. It makes it very difficult to reach a person in the throws of alcohol addiction. I feel for you. And I really understand what you mean when you say you feel like you're living with 2 different people.
Drinking heavily/drinking to cope carries a HUGE amount of shame. Defensiveness is usually a sign of that. The best thing in my opinion is to be as kind as possible when approaching the conversation. I know that’s hard! But if she can feel safe with you and know she’s loved and supported and not being judged or criticised (and I’m not saying you’re doing that just be careful of it) it might help. It’s hard to feel safe and loved when you feel totally alone and full of self hatred in your own head.
There’s also a huge fear. Your body and mind has become a slave to something and is out of control, it can feel impossible to even think about changing however much you want to. and indeed your brain has literally altered to make it dependant, it can be impossible to imagine life without booze to help you. support, care and compassion are crucial.
There is support out there. There will be local services, talk to your GP, she may not be able to contemplate that but if you do the ground work and perhaps try and introduce the ideas when she’s not in a heightened state. Not first thing on the morning and not fully drunk, there’s a sweet spot! And try and introduce the ideas slowly, carefully and with consistent love. Use touch if you can, akin on skin is a powerful tool, hold her hand, stroke her arm, if that feels natural to you. The feeling of being attacked, criticised or judged by someone seeing your worst faults can be crippling.
The other thing I would say, and this goes for every misuse drinker is that the drinking is not the problem, it’s a symptom. It’s always covering underlying trauma or mental health issues, it becomes the main issue when it becomes a coping mechanism and then takes over. so if she is able to get some sort of counselling along side the medication to help with that, it might help also.
I know that’s a lot. Please take it or leave it. I do wish you both the best. It’s a tough road whichever side you’re on.