My partner has left to get his own home for independence but has began drinking daily.

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My partner has type 1 diabetes and has an addiction to alcohol although it has been quite well managed over the last few years. He was drinking most days with bad cravings if he didn't have a drink when I first met him but after encouraging him to do meditation and coming away from a seriously abusive friendship he settled a lot and cravings stopped but still had a fair amount to drink on one or two weekend nights. The only thing that worried me was he would stay up on his own and drink which put him in danger with his diabetes and his mood would become very detached and would upset me. he all but stopped that behaviour when I broke down n told him after finding him on the floor next to a sugary drink I don't know whether consumed enough or not, I thought he was in a coma. it became very rare for this behaviour to resurface, then he saw his abuser on his own one night n drank alone again. This ended in an argument with him self harming with a knife. This was last may. Since then he never drank alone until Christmas. then another incident a month or so ago a friend betrayed him deeply, he drank alone while I was at work and I lost my rag and threw him out. I thought we would sort it out a few days later but he went on a big binge and immediately met someone else who enabled his behaviour. He has since calmed his behaviour and actually is focused on getting his life in order and he knows he's been too dependent on me, I know it's both ways n needs to change. I feel it is changing but while he's homeless, he's staying in sofas etc, he's drinking daily. He won't drink around me n it's been good when I've seen him apart from knowing he'll go back to it when he's left me again. He stopped hanging around with the other person after a week, he knew it was wrong. I feel he's more stable with me, but I'm the only one who's put boundaries on place for him which then is dependence. I feel he needs to create his own boundaries but I'm still scared that he won't and will give up n loose the plot again n end up just living as an addict. I'm pretty sure he won't but it's scary at the moment. I know I must protect myself. I still want him in my life, sober he is a complete joy to be with. I feel like I'm in a catch 22 as seeing him prevents him drinking but in the end it's a dependence on me that needs to break off. A lot of pressure has been taken off but a lot has also been created in some ways.I just need support to let him go at the moment. It's really hard.

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  • Posted

    For many it's impossible to live that kind of situation.......him using his drinking to control people doesn't cut it.  And it sounds like the diabetes is another game to him, a way to influence or control you and others.  I remember an old book "Games People Play", by Dr. Eric Berne, and there was a game called alcoholic, which I can't recall the details.  It is a dumb game.  Maybe you could go away for six months and tell him to dry out and you'll come back.

    Sidewalk psychology, I know, but alcoholism is a serious situation with 'something' always going to happen next.  Those stories came out in AA meetings a lot.  Alcoholism is like living two lives, being two different people, and makes it tough for others.....

    Best of luck to you, don't fall in there with him.....


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  • Posted

    I don't think he does need to stop his dependence on you, Betty, IF you want him around. We are ALL 'addicted' to people we love and it doesn't have to be unhealthy. You clearly care and so does he.

    You have to do what YOU want to do. If you want him around, keep him around or, if not, be fair to him and break the contact completely.

    I think you are struggling with the idea of whether you want him in your life or not because, on the one hand you say you do and, on the other, you say you need help to let him go. You need to know the answer to that question and nobody else can tell you the answer to that.

    If you do want him, then you can help him. If you don't, any help you give is unlikely to work in the longterm because you will end up letting him down.

    I suspect that you DO love him and want him but are acting on thoughts about what you SHOULD do. You should do what you WANT to do smile

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  • Posted

    Complete agree with Paul on this one Betty. I don't know about dependant thing. It sounds like you love and care about him. Nothing wrong with that. I don't think he is being manipulative or whatever but like all addicts (and I know bless me!) If overwhelmed emotionally the desire to drink kicks in very strongly. That's all. We all depend on our loved ones to some extent. However if you feel it is not right for you well you don't have to be responsible. Sometimes it is more confusing to listen to other people. You know best, follow your heart!
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