My partners way of life

I have chronic pain for 30yrs 4 surgeries that did not work. i was at 1 point 20 sts plus. also have depression. I am going to be very blunt here so delete if you wish. You are allowing him to be like this as you must take his food to him and do what ever he needs.

He is not a child and needs to stop behaving like one. Make him take response for himself. lying in bed is not the answer. Get up lose weight and move. only you can do it. God knows i could have given up years a go. No wake up.

I am very sorry for what you're dealing with...his depression IS a factor... in part because of the impact physical pain has on the psyche. His doctor needs to discuss with him options of treating the co-morbidity of the two conditions and get help. I have chronic pain from severe arthritis and was told at 49 I would need 2 knee replacements --- however the doctor refuses to do the surgery due to my age... even now at 51. My back is a train wreck as well with my lumbar completely decimated and new problems in my upper cervical. I teach art ALL day and come home to a 4 year old.... I will never get better and I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT lay in bed all day!!! You need to stop facilitating his weakness and get your life back even if he refuses to do so. I wear a Fentanyl patch for my pain. It is applied to the skin every 3 days and slowly feeds a dose of medication so that one can function. Perhaps that is an option? Usually, people will not surrender their pills because they want to be in control and it is easy to abuse how much is taken. He is deliberately "doing himself in" by lying in bed, gaining weight (which makes matters MUCH worse) and expecting YOU to wait on him. He is weaponizing his condition to emotionally hold you hostage by making you feel guilty for bringing up simple concerns. THAT is the very definition of abuse. You deserve a life either with him or without him. If he will not go and explore options for managing his life, then you have your answer. I would level with him despite his defensiveness and give him a timeline to make appointments and explore his choices. If he does that, good.... if he does not.... consider YOUR options. I pray for the strength you will need, but your honesty may just be the motivation he needs to try to get on the right track. He has legitimate issues--- it's the way he's dealing with it that is illegitimate.

Hi Jayne, I'm very sorry to read of your predicament but i agree with everything thats been said in the other 2 replies. You need to give some ultimatums and start taking control to get your own life back. I know how awful back problems can be but also know that inactivity, excess eating and self pity are most definitely not the answers. Tough love is whats needed. Good luck x

hi sorry to hear about that can be very depressing. I agree with everyone. I have 2 bulging disc and nerve damage on one leg. I first pulled out my back at 18 . for there on things just got worse but I never stop trying and alway work out the best I can . I have 2 jobs very happy life. it is does get depress as I see my self at the age of 46 and my body is getting worse joint pain every where stiff every where. rip some muscles in a few spots now. always advise my doctor of my progression and they do nothing. but u got to keep going this is the hand i was dealt move forward . when I feel good live it up and pills make thinks worse

my thoughts

Samsung 73 is right pills, patches, etc. can and DO make depression worse. That exactly why you need an antidepressant to counter the brain chemistry.

you cant really know how bad someone's pain is. I'm definitely glad mine isn’t at that level.

sounds like if he and you don't get help soon it's not going to end well.

once you lose all mobility and give up mentally there's not much hope

I have to agree with the others as you enabling his behaviour (though done with the best of intentions, I'm sure). You need to start showing him some tough love. He has no incentive to help himself as, notwithstanding his disability, he is having a nice stress free life and putting everything on to you.

Tell him that a condition of you staying in the relationship is that he seeks all the help available as you can't take any more. x

I've had severe back pain for the past year and have followed every medical recommendation given to me. I'm still in pain and it's been a difficult, depressing, day for me. So, my heart goes out to your husband... but my heart also goes out to you. Your husband clearly needs to get surgery done - even though they say this is the last thing to do. Not being able to get out of bed is a terrible, terrible way to live! Not to mention the burden he has put on you. As others have recommended, you need to stop enabling him and begin to help yourself. Tell him he has until such-and-such a date (pick a date) to get medical treatment or you're leaving (of course, you need to get a plan in place first!). Maybe that will get his attention and he will finally get the medical help he needs. Please keep us posted!

By the way... shame on your husband for trying to put the blame you due to "lack of affection." Please don't believe that to be the case!

Anyone suffering from chronic pain and other chronic illnesses will be depressed and in need of counseling. And as his care giver you too need therapy. Please stress to him the importance of getting treated.