My shameful secret

Posted , 10 users are following.

HiI have the most shameful secret that up until yesterday, only my husband and I knew about.

I need to share this as it's something I've tried to block out, but every so often. I get reminded of it.

I also hope that it will show others the power of alcohol and the lengths that you can sink to just to get a drink. I was once told many years ago by a physciatrist that "an alcoholic will always get a drink, no matter how many obstacles are put in their way if they want one"

I was 26 married and with a six months old baby. I started drinking heavily after I had him and convinced myself it was fine to have a bottle of wine each night. My husband kept pointing out I was drinking more and more and now had a gin and tonic at lunchtime.

He reached a point where I either addressed the problem and sought help or he was off with his son.

I agreed, along with my husband and family doctor, I would have no access to money to buy booze. However no-one knew about going cold turkey and withdrawal hazards. I lasted a week without any drink at all. I was a bit shaky and jittery and full of guilt and hated myself.

On the eighth day I was desparate and needed money. My mother in law had recently died and I was left her diamond engagement ring, it was her grandmas, then her mums and then mother in laws and if I had a daughter it would be passed to her.

My husband had a platinum wedding ring, I had matching one, and platinum engagement ring. I do apologise for rambling on, but need to keep writing.

To cut a long story short, the rings had disappeared over a two year period. I sold my husbands wedding ring, easy as it was too big and didn't fit. That was on the 8th day and I bought vodka, brandy my own secret cocktail cabinet. Then I pawned my wedding ring, telling myself I'll get it back so no harm done. Next was my engagement ring and so on until I only had the family heirloom diamond ring left so I pawned that.

Out with husband one night and he said where's your rings, fobbed him off my saying they were at the jewellers, along with his mums. A week later he asked again and said the same. He came storming down the stairs a couple of days later with his empty wedding ring box and wanted an explanation. I told him what I'd done and in 36 years of marriage that's the only time I've ever seen him cry. Not even at his parents funeral. He was absolutely devastated.

He went dashing of to the pawn shop to redeem what he could, but they'd all gone. Yesterday my son was putting tape round his wedding ring before playing football and my grandson said "grandad, why don't you and grandma have rings like mummy and daddy?" My son then said "yea dad why didn't you have one, mum never wears hers either. Hubby took grandson into the garden and I broke down and told son and dil I'd sold them, all for a pittance to buy a bottle of vodka. How depraved and low had I sunk?

Husband forgave me and my 3 kids, up until yesterday never knew. All three of them were told rough value that they wouldn't get them when we died. One said for gods sake do you really think we're bothered about inheriting them, we'd feel the same if they were worth £20 from the market.

I feel so ashamed and guilty and felt like a drink to help me feel better, how on earth would I feel better after a drink?

Thank you to all those, if any read this long post. They've  all agreed what's done is done, 30 years ago. I'm so proud of my husband for staying 36 years with me, not throwing it back in my face, and my kids saying we never knew, mum leave the past, stop the guilt trip and enjoy your life and be happy. You can forgive, but not forget.

To some of the newer members of the forum, who are realising they may have AUD, please get help now before you're dependant. Several members only drink at night and are concerned about their alcohol intake, believe you me it silently creeps up, and before you know it you've a problem

1 like, 13 replies

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13 Replies

  • Posted

    Wow. So touching and moving. I have tears in my eyes, your so brave to share. What's done is done. I think a lot of us alcoholics have some pretty horrible secrets we are ashamed of. Truly ashamed of to the core. I know I have many. Thank you for sharing your story Vickylou

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    • Posted


      now i am crying as you've not judged me lol! Thank you so much.

      ive had cbt, anxiety management, relate etc and have never told anyone. I felt better after typing it all out, now even better that you've replyed.

      Its helped me to not forget what I did, but to accept I can't change what I did. 

      My husband, bless him at one point, blamed himself for following gp's advice of withholding money. Obviously if I'd had my cheque book, building society access to money I'd never have done it.

      If my memory is right, have you just completed a month sober? I know from your posts that you're so positive and determined to beat it. Are you UK or across the pond, USA?

      ?Thanks again for the moving reply 🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾🍷🍷🍷🍷🍺🍺🍺[u] [/u]NOT GOOD xx

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  • Posted

    I'm so pleased you are putting the past behind you. You have an amazing husband and family. And you at a great support to others.

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    • Posted

      As well as helping myself by sharing, I want people to know what rock bottom is. Get help sooner than later. You never know what you've got till its gone

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  • Posted

    You are my hero Vickylou.

    Pat xxxxxxx

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    • Posted

      I completely agree with every word that Gwen said, you are so brave, honest and caring.  For you to post what you did in order to help others is a remarkable thing to do, you are amazing.

      I still struggle with keeping my intake down, but as always, I never drink before 8pm and have no desire to do so.  I have not been in the terrible dark place you and some others on here have, I just cannot break this habit of a couple of drinks in the evening to wind down and make me sleep.

      Thank you for asking Vickylou, you are such a lovely person.


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  • Posted

    Hi lovey.....never, never, ever, ever, doubt that you are one amazing have courage....honesty....regrets......and you soooo deserve to be understood, forgiven and have a huge, huge , HUGE HUGS.....

    I was so the same, I never took anything but I blackmailed my family emotionally, I made every member of my family scared of me dying....running away, or killing myself.....

    I say luckily NOW !!!! I WAS SECTIONED FOUR literally saved my life many times.....

    13 yrs down the line, I have a couple of drinks twice a week and I thank God every day....that my first thought every morning is not !!! Alcohol !!!!

    Your post moved me so very much....I could feel your pain....I know it is hard...but you must let it are NOT A BAD were caught in the grip of a hellish addiction.....nobody would actually choose to be an alcoholic....and we do pay for it always....I destroyed my four children's teenage years....I would give anything to change that....but sadly , I cannot.....

    Do not pay for it the rest of your have paid so much already......I wish you and your family, a happy, serene, wonderful future.....especially you....YOU DESERVE IT....TRULY....HUGE HUGS,..,DEE XXXX

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    • Posted

      Hello, why  on earth would anyone hate you?  Just the opposite.  I wish my hubs could read this (but I have never told him about this forum I am on) he cannot understand when I say I have a problem or anyone for that matter.  So he can't understand how utterly demoralising it is to sink into its clutches.  We do not choose to - it just happens and we hate ourselves for it.  Its pull is raw and strong and to get yourself out of it takes real  Blooming well done I say; you were at rock bottom and a lot of people cannot climb back up - you did and are here to tell the tale.  Well done for being truly honest..........................G.

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