My shameful secret

HiI have the most shameful secret that up until yesterday, only my husband and I knew about.

I need to share this as it's something I've tried to block out, but every so often. I get reminded of it.

I also hope that it will show others the power of alcohol and the lengths that you can sink to just to get a drink. I was once told many years ago by a physciatrist that "an alcoholic will always get a drink, no matter how many obstacles are put in their way if they want one"

I was 26 married and with a six months old baby. I started drinking heavily after I had him and convinced myself it was fine to have a bottle of wine each night. My husband kept pointing out I was drinking more and more and now had a gin and tonic at lunchtime.

He reached a point where I either addressed the problem and sought help or he was off with his son.

I agreed, along with my husband and family doctor, I would have no access to money to buy booze. However no-one knew about going cold turkey and withdrawal hazards. I lasted a week without any drink at all. I was a bit shaky and jittery and full of guilt and hated myself.

On the eighth day I was desparate and needed money. My mother in law had recently died and I was left her diamond engagement ring, it was her grandmas, then her mums and then mother in laws and if I had a daughter it would be passed to her.

My husband had a platinum wedding ring, I had matching one, and platinum engagement ring. I do apologise for rambling on, but need to keep writing.

To cut a long story short, the rings had disappeared over a two year period. I sold my husbands wedding ring, easy as it was too big and didn't fit. That was on the 8th day and I bought vodka, brandy my own secret cocktail cabinet. Then I pawned my wedding ring, telling myself I'll get it back so no harm done. Next was my engagement ring and so on until I only had the family heirloom diamond ring left so I pawned that.

Out with husband one night and he said where's your rings, fobbed him off my saying they were at the jewellers, along with his mums. A week later he asked again and said the same. He came storming down the stairs a couple of days later with his empty wedding ring box and wanted an explanation. I told him what I'd done and in 36 years of marriage that's the only time I've ever seen him cry. Not even at his parents funeral. He was absolutely devastated.

He went dashing of to the pawn shop to redeem what he could, but they'd all gone. Yesterday my son was putting tape round his wedding ring before playing football and my grandson said "grandad, why don't you and grandma have rings like mummy and daddy?" My son then said "yea dad why didn't you have one, mum never wears hers either. Hubby took grandson into the garden and I broke down and told son and dil I'd sold them, all for a pittance to buy a bottle of vodka. How depraved and low had I sunk?

Husband forgave me and my 3 kids, up until yesterday never knew. All three of them were told rough value that they wouldn't get them when we died. One said for gods sake do you really think we're bothered about inheriting them, we'd feel the same if they were worth £20 from the market.

I feel so ashamed and guilty and felt like a drink to help me feel better, how on earth would I feel better after a drink?

Thank you to all those, if any read this long post. They've  all agreed what's done is done, 30 years ago. I'm so proud of my husband for staying 36 years with me, not throwing it back in my face, and my kids saying we never knew, mum leave the past, stop the guilt trip and enjoy your life and be happy. You can forgive, but not forget.

To some of the newer members of the forum, who are realising they may have AUD, please get help now before you're dependant. Several members only drink at night and are concerned about their alcohol intake, believe you me it silently creeps up, and before you know it you've a problem

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