My sister has terminal cancer but ive been cut off from her and her girls

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Growing up my half sister and i were very close, we did everything together, i have been there for her and her 3 girls through a lot of hard times. At one point i was pretty much her free live in babysitter, while she went out enjoying the single life but i didnt mind coz i always thought we would always be there for each other when needed. Her girls always came to me with thier problems, and even when my sister moved away 12 years ago with her new fella, we stayed in touch and i promised her that i would look out for her girls and be there whenever they needed me. I kept my promise.

Over the past 8 years we have drifted apart, i had my own daughter and we live so far apart we only saw each other a few times a year, i still kept my promise though, her girls all came to me (when they couldnt go to her) with thier worries and problems and i have always done what i can to help, even had one of them move in with me when she lost her home through drugs. Her eldest is my daughters godmother.

6 years ago my sister (half) was diagnosed with colon cancer, and it was a difficult time for the whole family, but we pulled together, i couldnt go and see her as much as i would have liked because i had a small baby, but we talked quite often and once again i promised i would be there for her girls to talk to. Since then the cancer has spread throughout her body and so it seems has another form of cancer.

Her bloke took it into his head that i was posting things about me having cancer online, which i think is just sick, the thought wouldnt even cross my mind having seen so many loved ones suffer from this horrific disease. Sadly, her mother, jumped on the bandwagon and my sister and her girls ended up believing it all, which really hurts.... a lot. That all happened christmas last year, her eldest went to my mum and dads and literally attacked my mum (my sisters step mum) then turned up at my door and knocked it down to get at me, scaring my then 4 year old to bits. I sent her packing and told her not to come back until she could see sense. I have tried talking to my sister but have been told im not wanted. I have sent letters but no replys, my nieces wont talk to me, thier grandad or my little girl. i have been verbally abused in my home town by my sisters mother and i have had really nasty messages from her other half and one of my other half sisters. I have been told our Dad isnt my real Dad which is a pure and utter lie.

In november she was told the cancer had spread so far there was nothing left to do for her and on friday she was rushed into hospital with a serious infection, they dont think she will make it out of hospital again. This has all been a complete nightmare. made even worse now because they are now stopping our dad from going to see her and holding her hand, and all because of something they say I did (which i didnt). Dad is in his late 80's and frail himself, he cant drive all the way out there and needs someone with him but none of his (my) family are willing to take him.

i am trying soooooo hard to be there for my Mum and dad, to keep it together and stay strong, not let my sadness affect them, or my guilt, because although i didnt cause any of this, they have used me as a reason to stop Dad from being with his daughter and i wish i could be there for my sister, my nieces and the rest of my family but i cant, and its eating me up inside. I have tried to talk to friends but they all say the same thing...... theyre not worth it.

Since friday i havent slept, i broke down at my little girls school this morning (not something i make a habit of) and i feel alone right now, alone and helpless.

I dont know what i expect from using this forum but i really needed to get it all off my chest and really open up. I am screaming inside and i am so frustrated, if anyone has any constructive advice please help.

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  • Posted

    if i have posted this in the wrong place i am sorry, maybe someone could re-direct me?
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  • Posted

    Hi Tina,

    Where did your sister's partner get the idea that you were posting online about you having cancer? If you had, I would personally would want to know where he found such messages, there are billions of websites, the chance of even finding the same ones you use would be a million to one! If it was me I would want to know where and when. Doesn't he like you at all? or perhaps see's you as a threat, but I cannot see why..sad

    I know from experience what it's like when families fall apart, not just my own brother but my sister-in-law as well.

    I have no family left but my own brother, but we never talk anymore, he's had his fair share of illnesses like myself, he has diabetes type 1. I don't see him from one year to the next, apart from last year when his wife walked out on him and was divorcing him on the grounds of abuse. She knew that she wouldn't need to pay for court fees if she divorced him on abuse grounds. But my brother is a very vulnerable person, she knew she could say things in court to make sure he looked the bad party, and not her. She contacted all his friends and told them what he was like to live with, course they believed her.

    What she did not count on was me, she knew I was not vulnerable or easily to convince, but she tried nevertheless. Obviously, she failed when I started questioning her allegations, and stopped all contact with me. I asked my brother how she was communicating with him, she wasn't. The only person she would text was their son, and tried to use him against my brother in many ways.

    I told my brother what court papers to get and how to fill them in, so none of the allegations she put on the petition were actually true, basically she had exaggerated the true facts.

    I nearly got him through the custody battle, in December last year - all of a sudden, all phone calls to me stopped, which was strange. Then one day I got a phonecall, he said he had taken her back!!

    There was too many questions that did not add up, she knew I was involved and I was not an easy person that could be easily led.

    The rest of December last year passed and even January this year, then in February my brother phoned me, and said she had left him again!!! I said to him, well that was obvious from when she just turned up on the doorstep and didn't question her why.......... I said, to him as far as I am concerned she lives up to the saying "A liar always lies!", he then asked what he was going to do - I said everything you did last year, BUT DO NOT let her back in at all.

    You may be wondering what all this has to do with your story, well this is where our own family fell apart, under vicious circumstances.

    My sister-in-law could never control her kids, she was always phoning her mother on what she should do! Basically, her sister-in-law has 4 children - one of which was on drugs and alcohol. One christmas she started fighting with her older sister, she phoned her nan, my sister-in-law - course she was at work! So, my wife took her mother over to the kids. By this time, my niece had done a runner, but could see if anyone arrived, then my wife pulled up in the Black 4x4 - dropped her mum off and drove around the block, to make my niece think it was only her nan that was at their house. By the time my wife turned up, my niece had kicked her nan in the chest, knocking her to the floor. My wife, saw what happened and started on her saying how can you kick a 74 year old woman in the chest? My niece said to my wife come here and I'll give you a battering, my wife did not know she had a knife, and my niece missed her by inches, but my wife is a black belt. Mean while her nan through a box full of VHS video tapes and knocked her over. After that she calmed down.

    Then all these horrid messages appeared on facebook saying next time I won't miss. My sister-in-law ended up in Oxford after having a heart attack, and was followed by a triple heart bypass. After that, my wife does not speak to her sister, and none of my wifes brothers do either! The stupid part is it was not anything to do with them, and they even cut ties with their own mother.

    So, now none of my children, we have 3 do not speak either.

    And me, well I am stuck in the middle - my nieces talk to me, apart from the one with problems with knives (Shes been arrested numerous times since!). My wife don't mind them because they were nothing to do with that scene, but it makes things very awkward when it comes to parties, etc. My wife and I celebrate our Silver Anniversary this year,

    I have had cancer but it was caught in time and next month my remission period is up. My dad passed away from Colon Cancer, it's very sad when you cannot do anything but watch them pass away. The week we buried my dad on the Monday, I was diagnosed on the Friday! I was shocked, my daughter was only 8 at the time, and thought I would never come out of hospital, because of my dad. I have had 2 other major operations since, on both occasions I was very close to dying, I could not keep anything down, not even medications.

    Now, I just live everyday as it comes, because we never know what is round the corner.

    Regards,

    Les.

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    • Posted

      Oh les =( Thankyou for your response and i am so sorry to hear about everything you and your wife have been through, not just with the illnesses but with the whole nastiness that comes from being in a "family". You would think that at the worst times in peoples lives, familys members stick together and support each other? but it seems thats not the case at all, may even be a bit niave of me to believe thats how it should be.

      My sisters partner has never liked me, i think its because i could see through his controlling ways from day one. She never wanted to move so far away but he talked her into it, and i told him after 6 months of thier relationship starting that i had my eye on him. A bit more background, they had a lovely privately rented flat that my sister absolutely adored, 3 months or so after we all first found she had colon cancer, he suddenly tells everyone that they were getting a mortgage on a house, now this man doesnt work, he has never done a days work in his life, how on earth were they going to afford a mortgage? Well, we have since found out that my sister worked full time right up to 2 years ago when the cancer had spread so far she physically couldnt do it anymore, and all the benefits she gets go onto the house so she cant now afford to be in a hospice =( the house they have is in a terrible state, my sister has 2 bags and a stem so ideally needs a clean room to be able to sort herself out, she doesnt even have shower! there is no central heating, holes in the ceilings and he is such a jerk he leaves windows and doors open in the winter and through the night, yet he has 2 rooms in the house for himself alone, one is for his technology stuff, cameras and computers and the other is for his train set!!!!!!!!! It makes me so angry that he can treat her this way and no one else can see it. They have recently got married....... i wonder if again its not for the money?

      He told everyone he seen me posting these things about me having this debiliatating and horrendous disease on facebook..... firstly my profile is and always has been set to private and i dont have him as a friend so he would not be able to see what i was posting, secondly, all of my friends on there have backed me up and said they have never seen me post anything like that or indeed anything personal, thirdly, i found a profile, same name as me, not set to private as the user was posting about how she had cancer and couldnt cope.... this profile was made on my sisters birthday and the person using it came from the same town as my sister and him live.... coincedence? i think not!

      So day by day you just stay out of everyones (familys) life? You let them get on with it, like you sa,y awkward at parties but an easier, less stressful life without them in it? Would you want or try to be there for any of them if they were going through something like my sister is? i am only asking because im so confused at this moment in time, i want to wash my hands of all of it.... but my love for my sister and her kids is still there and it hurts so much that for the first time in my life i cant do anything and they dont want me.

      So glad your in remission and even more pleased that your remission period is nearly over.

      sincerley Tina

       

       

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    • Posted

      Hi Tina,

      I'm really sorry to hear what you have had to deal with, it's bad enough dealing with cancer, let alone of family issues on top! I don't know what it is these days, but "families" are not so closely knit together these days. When I was in my teens, many years ago - the world was very different, and family gatherings is something we all looked forward to, these days that seems to have all changed, for the worse.

      Facebook and social networking is something that has taken over peoples lives, and so many people have taken it to extremes. I see many people, actually rephrase that "couples" living together and even in the same rooms, but they talk via Facebook!! Why can they not speak to each other in a civil manner, and not broadcast their love lives everywhere, and then others join in "siding" with one person then it breaks out into "name calling", or worse. To me it makes no sense, my wife and I, have brought up our youngest daughter to always come to us, if she ever has problems at school or life in general.

      Recently, we could not understand why our daughters behaviour had changed so drastically, and at school she was put on report, which seemed to make any difference. I emailed not only her tutor but also her Head of Year. Her Tutor said she would keep a look at the report to see if there was only certain lessons that her behaviour was worse in, I agreed to this and kept it away from my daughter, even though I did not want to, because we are always been open with her. Anyway, over a 2 week period, I found no teachers matching, it seemed it was random. Then I noticed one difference, and it was constant right through the report, it was not a Teacher that was causing the problems, it was a Training Assistant, whom would tell the Teacher in the lesson to put "Requires Improvemnt" on her report!  Of course as soon as I found this out I emailed my daughters tutor and she phoned me, and we went over the report and seen the connection straight away! She said I will have a word with this Training Assistant and find out whats been going on.

      Since that day, that Training Assistant has not even spoke to our daughter!!! So, it just goes to prove these days you need to be a detective and investigate problems yourself. That was totally wrong and unjust, and proves that kids even get bullied in school by Training Assistants!! I would have thought it was bullying by children, but how wrong we were.

      In your case I would try and see my brother or sister if they were terminal, its not nice to feel left out just because of someone that is not even family really. I would at least try, I know it's a difficult situation - but you would probably feel awful if you never tried anything at all. It is one of those situations which you would not want to be in.

      I still think Facebook was the worst thing ever developed, it's caused so much misery it is unreal. If you want to chat let me know, I don't go very far, virtually housebound if it was not for my wife. I owe her a lot.

      Regards,

      Les.

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    • Posted

      Housebound or not Les, i truly appreciate you taking time to talk with me. It feels better just to get it off my chest. Ive been bottling it all up so my Mum and Dad dont see, they have enough on thier plate. You and your wife sound like an amazing couple and its good to hear of real support and love, like you both share.

      You are so right, when i was a kid i had loads of family about me, now its just a few really close ones, i know times change but its a shame if that sort of togetherness is a thing of the past.

      My dad had a mini breakthrough today, one of my other sisters has offered to take him down to visit my poorly sister on friday, so he is a bit calmer today, its sad though he has aged 10 years this week. It is taking its toll on him.

      Shocking that someone who is supposed to be a proffessional and there to help the children, has actually been detremental to your daughters enjoyment of school. I do hope it hasnt affected her too much, poor lil lamb.

      As for facebook, its been happening again this evening, ive had another nasty message and you are so right that it causes so much misery, its another shame because the idea is genius its just the misuse of it by people to hurt others that ruins it. I have decided to deactivate my account tomorrow for a while, its not doing me any favours and the realisation that someone is spying on my profile to actually cause trouble at this time is enough to make me cry, without everything else that is going through my head.

      As for me going to see my sister, i know you are right and i hate the thought of her passing and not being able to tell her i love her, i will try to speak to my middle sister and see what she thinks, the last thing i want to do is upset my sister more by my presence causing a row. If i am told again to stay away i will just have to try to live with whats been done and cope somehow when the time comes.

      i am going to try to get some sleep tonight, as i feel a bit calmer. Thankyou Les, you have been a great help just by letting me talk and by sharing your life with me x

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    • Posted

      HI Tina,

      I like talking to people on here, and I appreciate your kind comments. Sometimes it helps talking to a complete stranger to release negative thoughts, which happen to us all.

      Well, our daughter has just returned to school, after the half term. Even that was bad time for her, she had made previous plans for the week off, but had to change them at the last minute. In the week before half term she fell down some stairs at school, the school phoned us to pick her up. My wife and I didn't like the look of her foot, so we took her to A&E, good job we did. She had torn a ligament and fractured a bone, so she's still on crutches and a cast even now. Our daughter got over the Training Assistant incident, what was going on, her tutor asked me if she could keep on report, but for being bad, but trying to find the link, it looked like a Teacher at first but we needed to prove it beyond any possible doubt, which tutor assumed was a Teacher - why she chose our daughter we don't know, but at least we got it sorted. Other issues we have had with our daughter was 3 boys picking on her, we got that straight away. I emailed the Head of Year after one incident, basically I get our daughter to write down names and witnesse, and then reword it. Bullying is not tolerated at her school, and this incident also involved damaging school property. The following day all 3 boys got 3 detentions each! One of them seen her the next day and called her a snitch, so she told him it wasn't her that reported the incident, it was her parents that phoned the school and wanted it dealt with. Lol. No, one picks on her at all now because they know we do not anything that happens to her lightly. 

      As regards to families, it seems they have fallen apart over the years - I lost my mum in 2004 & my dad in 2008, I found it hard to get over - even now I still think of them, often I see or remember something which brings back memories. 

      Facebook was a good start to social media, but like all thinks you get the idiots that ruin it for everyone else. Besides that their security is very lax, I used to work on the backend of the Zynga forums, even though I am UK based.

      Perhaps if you could find out from your other sister if she would see you, even if it's planned behind her partners back! He seems a complete ignorant and unreliable person to know, what does he expect you to do, after what he's put you and your sister through. He's not achieved anything apart from making himself look like an irresponsible idiot.

      Facebook seems to come up all the time, I use it but only to post my artwork for my followers to see and contact what's left of our family, sad but true. I could tell you stories that really would shock you. One of my nieces had her story published in a top selling magazine, and Jeremy Kyle asked her to come on his show after reading her story. She was all for it, because it would have showed how bad mother really was. Many people in our village know her, she's now remarried to her daughters husband and bringing up her daughters son! That sounds bad but it's all true, they even tried blackmailing her over Facebook. My niece contacted the police after they demanded £3,000 off of her.

      I suppose I had better try and get some sleep, even that's not easy! My own doctor and consultant both say the same thing about me and that is I'm a complex case, medical-wise most people look at me and think I have MS. But that is a long way off, what I have is a rare nerve disorder - it does get me down sometimes, but it can only be controlled by medication. I keep calendars updated for all my appointments, my hospital records have been all around England hospitals, and now on the third volume. I was originally diagnosed by a USA Professor of Neutology, he has since passed away at quite a young age. At the time I was the seventh case in the UK, now it is a lot more. Diagnosed initially with a Dystonic Condition called Focal Segmental Dystonia, re-diagnosed last year to Generalized Dystonia with Epileptic Seizures and Functional Episodes. Now try and remember all that! Lol Functional Episodes on their own are dangerous, I can fall asleep without knowing - some people may think this is a good excuse so they can avoid certain things. I know when it's going to happen a few seconds before, but this not a good idea when I am eating. You've probably heard of BoTox Injections, these really hurt, I have four injections on the left neck muscle, one on the right and another in the shoulder. The side-effects are worse if they inject BoTox in the wrong part of the muscle I have to be fed by tubes.

      I've had this condition for over 30 years now, there is no cure, only able to control it to a degree. Everyday is the it takes my wife and I around 45 minutes to an hour just to get dressed and out of bed. The reason for this is due pain in my spine, shoulder, neck and left arm. I have to take Class A drugs which I have to sign for, before they will release them - painkillers that my body is used to, but I stop taking them then it's more pain!

      Dam, 4:14am here..... I'll try and get some sleep 😔 

      Regards,

      Les.

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    • Posted

      I must apologise about the typo's in that last message I was in bed typing it on my iPad, and that combined with tiedness didn't mix very well. Sorry about that.

      Regards,

      Les.

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