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My sister is bullying my mum

Posted , 4 users are following.

sharon_22839
sharon_22839

Hi my Mum is in her early 70s my Mum is scared of my sister. She has just moved thousands of miles away.

I only found out a week before she left.

My mum wants to spend time with us and her grandchildren but she's not allowed to.

Even though she's thousands of miles away she's still manipulating and controlling her.

My mum's mental health has decreased she's being manipulated and controlled and isn't allowed to make her own choices without my younger siblings permission.

She arranged care without communicating to me I have had very nasty messages from her step daughter. Who calls her Granny.

I want to form a good relationship and bond with my Mum yet as her only daughter closest to her. I am trying to help her be more independent and make her own choices and decisions for herself. Build her confidence and self esteem. Try and sustain the very little independence she has.

I am very concerned that this is emotional abuse. My mum's health hasn't been good.

My sister demonstrates narrcistic tendencies and has actually accused me of bullying my Mum when the opposite is true.

Another relative has expressed concerns too. I feel as I am banging my head off a brick wall.

My sister is now trying to dictate when and when I can see my Mother.

This has been very stressful I love my Mum but now have decided to stay away for my own peace of mind.

I want what is best for my mum and I am very hurt over the whole situation.

Any advise would be welcomed. Thanks.

3 likes, 12 replies

12 Replies

  • Yuki50
    Yuki50 sharon_22839

    Posted

    Hi Sharon,  your not alone. This is a great forum to seek help. Might I suggest getting help from Medicare. They have great  individuals , that can help with this, and in home help. First get the the people that know what’s going on to  evaluate your mother . Teamwork is what your going to need. You see my mother in law is going though the same thing, we even caught my sister in law trying to do the same thing, until I got involved. I took her to the doctors, and had a full  physical done on her . I’m keeping in touch, and only live about 30 mind away. Get involved in her health care by making appointments and learn what is going on in her health. You have an advantage of this bully sister living far away. Step in an start checking in more on your mother. Also I need to ask, is there money involved in her  estate ? This could be the reason your sister is trying to  manipulate her. My sister in law wanted to take her mother to her lawyer and change her will. It’s evil but it happens. When I stepped in , it was about her health, and found shocking things  especially in the checkbook . So if you love your mom it means checking on everything. You do what’s right for her, even if it means upsetting your siblings. Good luck, and come back keep us posted. 
    • sharon_22839
      sharon_22839 Yuki50

      Posted

      Yuki unfortunately it's not that simple my sister has full control of everything.

      I don't care about money. I am only allowed to see my Mum when it suits her. She has employed her others in her tactics to authrazie me.

      My Mother is now so scared of her she's now also saying I put words in her mouth. I asked my Mum what she would like.

      My Mum is a vulnerable adult another family member can see she's being manipulated and bullied too. My sister has always been like this. She has now got other family members involved too.

      All I want is to spend time with my Mum and for her to see her grandchildren.

      I all have been bullied and threatened by her too. She controls everyone and everything I have not been kept informed of her care. I have excluded in everything.

      If I want to see my Mum I have to see her when my Sister says so.

      I don't need an appointment she's my Mother. She really does display narrcistic tendencies.

      Our relationship has been strained for many years and Every mistake and wrong is used against me as a r

      threat is cast up to me.

      My partner has told me for my own peace of mind and sanity to cut them all out. It is impacting in my own health and family now too.

      I only have my Mum living as my Father died.

      Am I being unreasonable.

    • Yuki50
      Yuki50 sharon_22839

      Posted

      Sharon , then it’s time to break some rules. She’s your mom and All you want is time with her. Go to  unexpected events , pop in on her with your kids, bring flowers, pictures of good times. All you can do is be you. As far as siblings go, tell them step back, it’s my mom, and I’ll see her when I want too. Make them get a  court order  , to keep you away. You can win time with your mom, but it’s  I shame you got to go through this . All my best. Keep fighting!
    • sharon_22839
      sharon_22839 Yuki50

      Posted

      Thank you Yuki. It's very very sad her Grand hildren were upset as they can't see her.

      I am going to seek professional advise too.

      For now I am stepping back I have told my Mother I love her and I am here for her if she needs me.

  • vicky51471
    vicky51471 sharon_22839

    Posted

    Sharon hi there🙂

    how very sad that your sister is upsetting  you and your mother the in this way.

    Could you talk’ to her say you think she is doing these thing and it is not good for your mother. Say surely your mothers mental health should be of paramount concern to her as it is to you.

    if you have tried this and it’s come to the point you cannot communicate it seems that you’ve gotta well fight I suppose not you n a physical way of course!

     Look we only have one Mum, as was advised-before go when you want! You don’t need an appointment like you said.

    it sounds like maybe legal advice maybe good.

    The other thing is she wants to see her grandchild her life legacy.

    my mother is 71 this year there is three of us girls she had breast cancer we all pulled together although one of my sisters really hates me.. I’m not a bad person. I am scared if she gets poorly again she goes to live with that sister I would never see her!!

     My mum has assured me she will go to my eldest sisters.. but who knows..

    Call her! get your kids to call their Nan.

    seems all you want is simple.. to see your mother.

    you said you have kept away don’t its upsetting you your mum and your kids, blow your siblings. It maybe hard at first but start to put your foot down a little.

     If another family member has witnessed this get them to speak up.

    i wish you well like I said only 1 mum and why should you be pushed out?  

     You  have every right to see her.

    i think the advise from yuki is  great !!

    Get involved as much as you can! Get advice but don’t give up.

    Sat with my mum  now I know everything about her.

    cancer free now !, has relationships with all 3 of us she sees her grandchildren from my eldest sister and i love watching  her face when they do   Somethings getting jobs partners and cars ect

    you’re siblings are very mean speak up !!and seek advice

    i wish you all the best  I hope you feel strength knowing you’re helping your mother in the long this posts shows you are willing to try anything she has a good Daughter in you.

     Take care

    Vicky🌈

    • sharon_22839
      sharon_22839 vicky51471

      Posted

      Hi Vicky

      I have challenged my sister in her behaviour and seem to be the only one who has stood up to her. It's very evident that she doesn't want me to see my Mum.

      She feels I am a risk to her even though she's allowed to come on certain dates to fall into her plans she has made. She's her main carer even though she's living thousands of miles away.

      My mum said she wanted to see me the next she said I put those words into her mouth witch was completely not true.

      The whole thing is a nightmare to be honest. I have told my mum I love her very very much. If she needs me she knows where I am.

      I am not sure the other family member wants to get involved.

      I have kept the messages from her step daughter and have advised my sister I will be seeking professional advise too.

      I have cut all ties with my sister as I really don't want anything to do with her; my life is much easier and happier without her in it.

      She is also emotionally blackmailing me with mistakes from the past from which I have moved on from.

      My mum rings her to ask her permission she's 73 years of age!

      My sister says she's trying to protect her!! As her main carer she controls everything and Mum has given her consent to do so.

      I made a very hard decision to stay away it's hard its painful but I also need to think of my family too as selfish as that sounds.

      My sister has always been very manipulative domineering and vindictive and really nasty.

      I have also kept her emails too as she's contradicting herself in what she is saying.

      Thanks

      Sharon

  • vicky51471
    vicky51471 sharon_22839

    Posted

    Dear Sharon

     just speaking from someone who ran a care home.

     If your sister lives thousands of miles away you are closer who goes if something god forbid happen to your mum.

    surley you as you could get to her quicker.

    your right cut your sister out but not your mum I know you have to self preservate but your may really need you and someone who is on hand who could help her.

    your sister is mean

    so I guess for now I wish you all the best and hope you find some resolve for this is horrible both for you and your mother.

    take care

    vcky🌈

     

    • sharon_22839
      sharon_22839 vicky51471

      Posted

      Thanks Vicky

      Yes I worked for the Health Service and indeed care homes too. This has emotional abuse stamped all over it as much as I hate saying that.

      My sister has this impression that she is to make all of Mums decisions as she is a vulnerable adult.

      I have said she needs to make her own decisions to sustain and maintain her indepndence as much as possible also to improve her confidence and self esteem too.

      Has not communicated anything to me in respect of mum at all. I have had to find out from someone else linked to the family.

      I have a few organisations in mind to contact for advise. Very true Vicky my Mother had quite restricted mobility and has had falls in the past where I have been contacted. My Siblings main concern was as to the fact she wasn't contacted first!!

      Thank you so much for your guidance and advise.

      Sharon.

    • vicky51471
      vicky51471 sharon_22839

      Posted

      Hi again🙂

      my mother as I have said is 70 well 71 this year.

      very able and confident too so m not to worried about her right now of course always a concern that the cancer may come back.

        Can your mum speak up talk to your sister at all?

      What has your sister got against you going to see your mother, is it because as you’ve said you would love her to have her independence more.

       You sound like a good person and you are being treated very unfairly and yes has abuse written all over this I feel too. It’s just getting your mother and maybe the professionals to see this.

      self presevate but don’t give up she may need you and it’s your sister that is doing this.

      feeling for you and your children too

       i still feel you should go to see her and your kids too she what she is like I bet she would love to see you, if your sister is miles away then she won’t know until you’ve bern to see your mother. Sneaky but it’s your mum

       take care 

      Vicky🌈

    • sharon_22839
      sharon_22839 vicky51471

      Posted

      Hi Vicky,

      My sister has put arrangements in place for my mum whilst she is away.

      My mum has mental health problems and considered a vulnerable Adult.

      I had a very troubled past and made lots of mistakes if I am really honest. I am honest and trustworthy. I don't have a criminal record. I don't abuse alcohol or drugs.

      My sister feels I am a risk to her which is not true. She is only allowed to see me when she says. My sister is using my past as emotional blackmail to stop me seeing Mum not actually due to the fact she's of real harm.

      When Mum was with us here she actually had to ring my sister for permission like seriously.

      She has been over here and stayed over with us before quite recently actually. All of this started because Mum wanted to come here over a weekend which didn't suit her plans.

      She has said she can come on another weekend which really doesn't suit. My response to this was you feel that I am a risk however that risk doesn't change just because of a date!!!

      It has also came to light that every time I am there or have left my Mum rings her.

      My mum is very dependent on her has to do as she says... irrespect of what she would like to do.

      My sister said she's not capable of making decisions for herself!!

      My mum on My found out she was moving a week before she left She wasn't giving time to adjust or to transit to my sister's departure. All the emails and messages from her and her step daughter do not add up.

      It's very dishearting. I now think I am going to take legal advise regarding this. I have nothing to hide. In fact I said to my sister lets get this out in the open and talk about it but she hides behind messages and uses others to do her dirty work.

    • vicky51471
      vicky51471 sharon_22839

      Posted

      Hi 

      this is horrible for you.

      funny cause years ago well not so long ago I was bad I was on heroin and in a bad way. That’s why one of my sisters doesn’t talk to me. The other never ever turned her back on me nor mum.

       Your sister is mean to hold things against you people change you and I have,

      Not good for your mums mental health that she had no time no time to adjust.

      i take it she is the main carer then.

      you may need the legal advice how sad hat is but it’s not you.

      yes what’s a date anyway your sister is going out her way to upset you it seems.

       Your mum you said is a vunrabale Adult as you’ve said perhaps getting this all out in the open would be best. THe problem lies with your sister.

       Get that advice that you need 

      take care 

      vicky🌈

    • sharon_22839
      sharon_22839 vicky51471

      Posted

      Vicky

      Well done for such courage to share this. We all have a past. I don't pretend that I am perfect. So pleased to here your now free. 😊

      I said to my Sister that I was sorry that she was still living in the past and I hoped she could peace with that.

      She always has been very manipulative and domineering even in our childhood days.

      I was very wounded due to trauma abuse my Mum spent most of our childhood in hospital. I now want to build the relationship love and bond with her in what ever years she has left.

      I am a Christian now and God has really turned my life around.

      I hope one day you can in some ways reconcile with your sister.

      I am now a student in counselling and hope to reach out to others. I don't think I am asking too much or being unreasonable. Thank you so much for all your messages too.

      Sharon x

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