My son, 23, passed away yesterday and I am worried I won't cope

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My son Jonathan passed away yesterday suddenly.  He was sleeping on the sofa at his girlfriend's house and just stopped breathing.  We don't know what happened though he was numb one side the day before but Accident and Emergency department sent him home saying it was a trapped nerve.  He had also recently started antidepressants.

I am still in shock I think. though I did cry when I saw him.  I can't sleep tonight but otherwise just feel really tired and numb.  I am worried that i won't be able to cope, and that my CFS will become even more unmanageable.  Recently I have been coming out of a bit of a relapse where I was pretty much bedbound for some time.  I do have other issues inc. fibromyalgia, ibs, depression and a recent problem with my liver blood tests coming back high when they shouldn't be.  I have another son, 24, who is devastated and I am worried about him as he takes everything so hard.  He is very worried about me I know, that I won't come through this.  I lost my husband when the boys were 4 and 5 and since then it has just been the three of us.  I am so worried that when this hits me, I will not be able to cope.  Has anyone any advice for me or any experience of dealing with something like this?

Linda

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  • Posted

    Shreddie,

    I'm so terribly sorry for you loss. How tragic! I completely understand how you feel about not being able to cope, especially with your CFS. We know how any amount of stress makes the condition worse and I can understand your concerns about not being able to manage your symptoms. I would talk to your doctor (I hope you have an understanding one) to see what he/she suggests. I hope your doctor can prescribe you something to sleep, since we know how important sleep is.

     In the meantime, it is so important that you continue to try to get as much rest so that you will have the strength to care for your other son. Rest and pace yourself as much as needed. Again, I'm so sorry about your loss. My heart is with you at this very difficult time, but I'm sure you will find the strength to get through this. Sincerely, KPD

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    • Posted

      thank you for your kind message.  I am seeing my doctor tomorrow.  You are right about the sleep - am so very tired and sleepy but as soon as I lie down its like pow!!! wide awake.  I think maybe I am too scared to sleep as I have very vivid dreams.  I was prescribed codeine as a painkiller while the liver situation is being looked at so am in a bit of a hazy funk with that and lack of sleep.  My doctor is ok, not great but trying to help.  At the moment I am in bed and going to try to sleep again.  I appreciate the message, thank you.

      Linda

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    • Posted

      Good luck, Linda. I hope you are able to fall asleep for at least a few hours. Try some deep breathing techniques. That sometimes works for me when I'm very anxious. You take in breaths for a count of about 4, hold for a count of 4, and then release very slowly. I hope this helps some. 

      If your doctor is willing, a mild tranquilizer might be needed especially in this case.

      My symptoms are manageble, too, but I worry about something tragic happening in my life and not being able to cope becasue of the CFS. I think you probably have more stregnth than you think, and you will be able to cope with some support. 

       I really wish the best for you. What a difficult situation you are going through! Take care of yourself, Linda! My heart truly goes out to you. Karen

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  • Posted

    Omg, I am so so sorry for your terrible loss.  I have two sons also of similar ages and just cannot imagine the pain you must be going through.  I wish I was there to give you a hug and help you through this terrible time.  As mothers we somehow find the strength to do what we have to do at such times.  I know you will find the strength to be there for your son and no doubt your son will be there for you.  This will make the bond between you as mother and sin even stronger.bhe must be suffering terrible too. What a terrible time for you both.  You must try to rest as much as you can and also look after yourself by eating properly too.  You poor poor thing. I am hurting for you and will be thinking of you a lot bad praying that you find the strength to do all that you need to do at such a time.   Your CFS May well give you a hard time but I pray that it's short lived for you and that you can work through the haze that you must be in right now, which must be somewhere between reality and total disbelief.  Please keep us informed with how you are getting on and let us send you cyber strength in one way or another to help you by.  I could just keep on talking to you and hope you gain a little strength from our messages. I am sure some greater power will help you find the strength to cope.  

    Lots of cyber hugs and kisses. 

    Katie x x 

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    • Posted

      Thank you Katie for your reassuring message.  I think I had already decided that no visitors for a day or so and as much rest as possible was the best plan I could make.  Unfortunately sleep still eludes me though I have been lying in bed with closed eyes which is restful.  Until the phone rings.  I must go tomorrow to make a formal identification as Jonathan was not at home when he passed.  I was there yesterday at his girlfriend's home though he was gone by the time I arrived.  We had police and CID, then a photographer and more police.  It went on for hours until they finally took him away.  It has been decided that a post-mortem is necessary which will take place on 5 July.  Protocol also determines that next of kin or a close relative make the identification at the hospital morgue where he was taken last night.  So my head is buzzing and my adrenal glands actually hurting each time the phone rings.  Hopefully I will be able to see my GP before I need to go tomorrow as I think I will ask for some mild tranqullisers to see me through this horrid necessity.  I am finding it helpful to write here and am so grateful for the kind words and understanding from people who know just how badly a person with CFS is affected by such emotional distress.  Thank you for your message.

      Linda xx

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  • Posted

    Gutted for you. 

    Wow this is as hard as it will probably get for you.

    But I think you can do this. 

    I really do.

    You have come through so much already.

    I know you have major health issues now but you sound like a strong woman which comes from your core.

    My advice - cry cry cry and don't hold it in.

    It will put a strain on your body if you hold in your grief.

    If your son is struggling with this he must get help as there is only so much you can do - whether you were well or not.

    Maybe you should consider something like counseling also.

    This is extreme circumstances.

    And you would be perfectly justified in going to your Doctor and saying,"help".

    Wish and pray all the best.

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    • Posted

      what a lovely strong message.  It is heartening to hear people who understand what it feels like to crash....sorry I am very tired just now but just wanted to thank you for your reply.

      Linda

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  • Posted

    The loss of your son so very suddenly must be heartbreaking. I am sitting here trying to imagine what you are feeling and I honestly ache inside for you.

    It is going to be a very challenging time for you and your son and as the reality hits I expect you are going to suffer more with the CFS etc.as we all know how much stress affects us. 

    Sleep is so hard when we are in an anxious state. 

    Keep posting if it helps because I'm sure we are all wanting to help you manage your emotions as much as you can. You seem articulate and that helps immensely. To be able to talk through your feelings as the days go by can only be helpful for you. 

    Your GP should be able to give you information about Grief Counselling for both you and your son.

    Grief is a process, it goes through stages of different feeling and you will have to ride through them all before you finally make peace with what has happened. 

    You need as much rest and sleep as possible for the CFS but also you need to accept as much help, emotional and physical as is offered. 

    People offer platitudes but they mean well, so bear with us all well intentioned folk, even if you want to rant and rage and scream.....and it ok to do that too if you need to.

    I wish you strength to find you way through this along with your other son. 

    Keep going, because there's no other way forward and we can't go back to what was. 

    A huge hug for you both. 

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  • Posted

    How kind you all are.  It is true that crises bring out the best in people.  We did the identification and had half an hour to sit with Jonny.  I didn't want to go but I think it helped because he looked peaceful, there were no emergency staff, police or photographers like the other day and he wasn't on the floor with pierced skin where tubes had been.  There has been an outpouring of grief from friends and family and as youngsters do, facebook has literally hundreds of messages from so many people who knew him.  We have set up a memorial facebook page RIP Jonathan Foreman - Tribute Page where they can post memories and photos for us all to share.  It means I get to hear about things I'd never otherwise know and get copies of photos other people have.  My sisters have told me not to worry about money for funeral cost which I must admit has been on my mind.  I haven't been able to work for some years now and all my emergency money is long gone.  So now it is a waiting period till the post mortem is done.  No doubt it will hit me some time around then when the full realisation of his loss sets in.

    Thank you all for your messages.  Going for a sleep now, I hope.

    Linda x

     

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  • Posted

    Hang on life is not fair at all but he would want you to be strong . So I need reach out please . So many losses and they come to many so he would want you to be
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