My sons anger is getting worse

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Hi im new to this site so not sure what to say but here goes my 9 year old son has always been quite a angry child but the older he gets the worse hes getting its no longer toddler tantrums its trashing the house hitting me and my partner speaking to us like rubbish and he has no respect for anyone including his siblings and teachers weve been to the drs and cahms they were rubbish we signed him up for clubs he refused to go to them or gave they up and well im not sure what i can do any more im scared that i will loose my family ober his behaviour can anyone help me

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  • Posted

    Hi. I can't give you a lot of advice but wanted to tel you that you are not alone.  We are having the same sort of problems with our 11 year old son.  His anger and violent outbursts have been getting worse over the last couple of years and we hoped that when he started secondary school in September the fact that he would be one of the younger kids again might put him in his place a bit but to honest he has got worse.  He is fine at school which is a positive thing but he has no respect for myself or his dad and when something upsets him he lashes out and smashes up the house as well as throws things at us and hits/kicks us.  He has given my husband a black eye, I have had a split lip and we have had numerous brusies etc.  He never shows remorse, always blames us.  We have had the police round twice (once we called them and once the neighbours called them) but even after a talking to by the police he still doesn't care.  If he doesn't want to do something he just won't do it and it we try and make him it ends in violence and somebody gets hurt.  We can't go on like this, its so exhausting and we are absolutley drained. He has been to CAMHS and they are seeing us again soon without our son to offer more advice but are not much help so at the moment.  CAMHS suggest things like making him face the consequences of his actions which is alright in theory but doesn't always work -  so for example if he is late for school we should just let him be late and let the school deal with him but he has to catch a school bus and if he misses it I have to take him to school and be late for work myself so its me that gets stressed not him!  CAMHS also advised us to call the police when he is violent but I worry that if we keep doing that he will get a crininal record which will cause problems for him later in life.  Every morrning trying to get him to get ready for school on time is a nightmare and every evening trying to get him to go to bed is a nightmare.  Even when we don't have to be somewhere he deliberatly starts trouble (starts throwing things at us for no reason other than to try and get a reaction) its like he's constantly trying to wind us up.  It makes us feel like terrible parents and we fear for his future if he doesn't learn to control his anger.   The other thing that is so hard is that only my husbands mum knows what he is like at home so we have to constantly be normal to everyone else as we don't want anyone else to know how bad things have been getting at home.

    It is really hard and my husband I are constantly row over the right way to deal with it which puts pressure on our marrige.  My husband puts up with it for so long but then he snaps and i get worried that he will hurt my son (He isn't a violent man by any means but my son pushes him too far).  The only things I find sometimes helps are distraction (when my son starts winding my husband up for no reason I go and get him and tell him I need his help and distract him with something else which sometimes works but not all the time) and helping him with things (his homework for example he will sometimes do if I say I will come and help him but I know that at 11 he should be able to sit down and get on with his homework without me helping him all the time so not sure its a good idea but sometimes it really is a case of anything for a quiet life!).  

    I also rang the Young Minds helpline which helped a bit when I needed someone to talk to. 

    Sorry I can't offer more advice and I hope things get better for you soon.

     

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    • Posted

      Thanks for ur reply been to the dr hes going to get onto cahms again but i doubt anything will happen i hope things get better for you soon and u can message me if u ever need a chat or a rant xx
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  • Posted

    Well, I've been waiting for other people to come along and say something, but only 1 has, so sad.   During an interview with a psychiatrist  my dad said in 1977 that I had always been a loner and angry.  Children generally don't have particularly well developed commuinication skills, or experessive language ability, and teenage children who were raised by the "beating up" method tend to have  physical communication skills rather than verbal.

    What my dad didn't tell the psychiatrist was that my mother tried to kill me when I was 8, and tried to give me away when I was 10.  I wish she had been able to give me away, I was looking forward to living in a nice house.  But, it didn't happen.   

    I was the type of boy who would eplode in a rage, for no apparent reason, at school, or at home, or anywhere else.  I thought everybody lived how I lived. At no time did is dawn on me that other boys' mothers didn't kick them in the balls, or punch them in the face, or smash their head against frigde doors.  This was normal life, it wasn't normal for my sister and it wasn't normal for my brother, it was normal for me.

    So I had to be difficult.  I have school reports backing up just how difficult I was, and I was a regular visitor with the Head Master, for punishment, which involved hitting me.  He was also my remedial reading teacher, so when I wasn't in trouble I felt like I was every time I saw him.  One time he was so angry with me he picked me up and shook me like a rag doll, and of course my brain did not do well in that situation, it certainly didn't help my reading ability.  Even today I don't like reading, unless I have to do it, I'll avoid it like the plague!

    Does your son have difficulty reading?   

    So even though I was a teenager in 1977, there was no way I was opening my mouth to say anything, they can have their little chat with the psychiatrist, then we can all go home and forget it ever happened.  Speaking up results in  being beaten up, this was my education.  And the reason we were there at the psychiatrists' office,  the year before, I was diagnosed with Klinefelters' syndrome.  The genetics that bring it about I'd always had, and educational difficulty was common with it, not that I, or they, knew that at the time.  

    So maybe your son too has some sort of genetic abnormality, that makes learning and talking difficult?  Maybe lashing out is his form of communication?

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    • Posted

      Hi thanks for your reply my son is a very clever boy top of his class in everything but acts out at the same time, we are not a violent family se are strict in thebsence se have rules but if there broken we have a naughty step or sith the older kids they have treats taken away never raised a hand to any of my kids i myself was amacked when i was younger if i mis behaved and have never believed in hitting my children and never will.
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    • Posted

      There has to be some reason for your sons' behaviour, and as you're the perfect parents it must be him.  XXY is not the only  sex chromosome aneuploidy and not all XXY guys have LD's.  So without a karyotype you don't know.  Your son could be XYY?  They seem to have issues with extra energy being expended legitimately.

      So you have an idea to play with.  

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    • Posted

      I never said i was the perfect parent nobody is everyone makes mistakes i simply said i dont hit my children. I came on here for some advice and friendly chat not to be insulted and accused of things by people
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    • Posted

      Didn't accuse anyone. I consider myself a perfect parent, which is easy to achieve. So you have some clues, do something. No child goes out of their way to annoy parents, so he MUST have some kind of health problem if you'really not doing anything wrong. So what is it, as his behaviour is definitely not normal.

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    • Posted

      "Didn't accuse anyone. I consider myself a perfect parent, which is easy to achieve. So you have some clues, do something. No child goes out of their way to annoy parents, so he MUST have some kind of health problem if you're really not doing anything wrong. So what is it, as his behaviour is definitely not normal.

      (I wish I could edit my posts, I never notice I've made mistakes until after I've sent the message.)

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  • Posted

    Hello all,

    I agree with the previous correspondent that your son needs a full assessment from a developmental paediatric point of view. This may include a karyotyping of his genetic make up. He may have a diagnoisis not discovered by CAMHS. My son was eventually diagnosed at age 11 with ADHD. To cut a long story short, he was commenced on medication and we have not looked back. He is a different child. We need to give the medication to him from the moment he awakens or he is belligerent and abusive (verbally, mostly) but within 1/2 hr he is a normal teenager (haha!) All his friends have noticed the change and many people who are not aware of any of our struggles, have observed that he is much calmer and easier to get along with. His teachers know how to respond to his behaviour now and this has made a big difference - to manage the behaviour and not blame the child (or parents!) for his behaviour. I'm not saying this is your son's diagnosis or that medication is the answer to everything, just that our son did have a diagnosis, wasn't just being 'bad' and that there was a solution to his/our problem. I agree that children/people in general lash out for a reason. 

    If you haven't already done it I would secure an appointment with a developmental paediatrician as a starting point. Good Luck! Let us know how you go. 

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    • Posted

      Your first port of call is your General Practitioner, Primary Phisician, Doctor, with or without your son in tow.  You need a referral to a psychiatric service, a psychological service, and a genetic service.  If you're going to get into finding a reason you want to look at every possibility.  If you have any prejudices against any of these services you need to forget them.  Remember, your son is not normal.

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    • Posted

      Hi SM,

      If you are in the UK, go to your GP/Local Dr and ask for a referral to a Develpomental / behavioural Paediatrician. This makes sense on a number of fronts.This type of paed specializes exactly in this type of problem. You will be in good hands.  This paed can then do some psychological tests and possibly blood tests to make a diagnosis. He may coordinate with your son's teachers. (S)He will then coordinate any other care you may need. You may be able to get special funding for things like OT or psychological services if they are required and are coordinated through the paediatrician - making it less expensive and more cohesive than doing it all yourself (not advisable). A developmental paed will cover all diagnostic possibilities and guide you through the management options. You proabably don't need to take your son with you to the appointment with the GP - you will to the paed of course. 

      To help our son understand why he was gong to a paed and a psychologist we told him it was to help him become happier - and he understood this, as deep down he knew there was a problem. Your son will get that too, if he is intelligent as you say he is. Everyone wants to be happy - he will probably find this an OK reason to explore difficult feelings and behaviours. It worked for us.....

      Keep us posted xox

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