My sons anger is getting worse

Hi. I can't give you a lot of advice but wanted to tel you that you are not alone.  We are having the same sort of problems with our 11 year old son.  His anger and violent outbursts have been getting worse over the last couple of years and we hoped that when he started secondary school in September the fact that he would be one of the younger kids again might put him in his place a bit but to honest he has got worse.  He is fine at school which is a positive thing but he has no respect for myself or his dad and when something upsets him he lashes out and smashes up the house as well as throws things at us and hits/kicks us.  He has given my husband a black eye, I have had a split lip and we have had numerous brusies etc.  He never shows remorse, always blames us.  We have had the police round twice (once we called them and once the neighbours called them) but even after a talking to by the police he still doesn't care.  If he doesn't want to do something he just won't do it and it we try and make him it ends in violence and somebody gets hurt.  We can't go on like this, its so exhausting and we are absolutley drained. He has been to CAMHS and they are seeing us again soon without our son to offer more advice but are not much help so at the moment.  CAMHS suggest things like making him face the consequences of his actions which is alright in theory but doesn't always work -  so for example if he is late for school we should just let him be late and let the school deal with him but he has to catch a school bus and if he misses it I have to take him to school and be late for work myself so its me that gets stressed not him!  CAMHS also advised us to call the police when he is violent but I worry that if we keep doing that he will get a crininal record which will cause problems for him later in life.  Every morrning trying to get him to get ready for school on time is a nightmare and every evening trying to get him to go to bed is a nightmare.  Even when we don't have to be somewhere he deliberatly starts trouble (starts throwing things at us for no reason other than to try and get a reaction) its like he's constantly trying to wind us up.  It makes us feel like terrible parents and we fear for his future if he doesn't learn to control his anger.   The other thing that is so hard is that only my husbands mum knows what he is like at home so we have to constantly be normal to everyone else as we don't want anyone else to know how bad things have been getting at home.

It is really hard and my husband I are constantly row over the right way to deal with it which puts pressure on our marrige.  My husband puts up with it for so long but then he snaps and i get worried that he will hurt my son (He isn't a violent man by any means but my son pushes him too far).  The only things I find sometimes helps are distraction (when my son starts winding my husband up for no reason I go and get him and tell him I need his help and distract him with something else which sometimes works but not all the time) and helping him with things (his homework for example he will sometimes do if I say I will come and help him but I know that at 11 he should be able to sit down and get on with his homework without me helping him all the time so not sure its a good idea but sometimes it really is a case of anything for a quiet life!).  

I also rang the Young Minds helpline which helped a bit when I needed someone to talk to. 

Sorry I can't offer more advice and I hope things get better for you soon.

Well, I've been waiting for other people to come along and say something, but only 1 has, so sad.   During an interview with a psychiatrist  my dad said in 1977 that I had always been a loner and angry.  Children generally don't have particularly well developed commuinication skills, or experessive language ability, and teenage children who were raised by the "beating up" method tend to have  physical communication skills rather than verbal.

What my dad didn't tell the psychiatrist was that my mother tried to kill me when I was 8, and tried to give me away when I was 10.  I wish she had been able to give me away, I was looking forward to living in a nice house.  But, it didn't happen.   

I was the type of boy who would eplode in a rage, for no apparent reason, at school, or at home, or anywhere else.  I thought everybody lived how I lived. At no time did is dawn on me that other boys' mothers didn't kick them in the balls, or punch them in the face, or smash their head against frigde doors.  This was normal life, it wasn't normal for my sister and it wasn't normal for my brother, it was normal for me.

So I had to be difficult.  I have school reports backing up just how difficult I was, and I was a regular visitor with the Head Master, for punishment, which involved hitting me.  He was also my remedial reading teacher, so when I wasn't in trouble I felt like I was every time I saw him.  One time he was so angry with me he picked me up and shook me like a rag doll, and of course my brain did not do well in that situation, it certainly didn't help my reading ability.  Even today I don't like reading, unless I have to do it, I'll avoid it like the plague!

Does your son have difficulty reading?   

So even though I was a teenager in 1977, there was no way I was opening my mouth to say anything, they can have their little chat with the psychiatrist, then we can all go home and forget it ever happened.  Speaking up results in  being beaten up, this was my education.  And the reason we were there at the psychiatrists' office,  the year before, I was diagnosed with Klinefelters' syndrome.  The genetics that bring it about I'd always had, and educational difficulty was common with it, not that I, or they, knew that at the time.  

So maybe your son too has some sort of genetic abnormality, that makes learning and talking difficult?  Maybe lashing out is his form of communication?

Hello all,

I agree with the previous correspondent that your son needs a full assessment from a developmental paediatric point of view. This may include a karyotyping of his genetic make up. He may have a diagnoisis not discovered by CAMHS. My son was eventually diagnosed at age 11 with ADHD. To cut a long story short, he was commenced on medication and we have not looked back. He is a different child. We need to give the medication to him from the moment he awakens or he is belligerent and abusive (verbally, mostly) but within 1/2 hr he is a normal teenager (haha!) All his friends have noticed the change and many people who are not aware of any of our struggles, have observed that he is much calmer and easier to get along with. His teachers know how to respond to his behaviour now and this has made a big difference - to manage the behaviour and not blame the child (or parents!) for his behaviour. I'm not saying this is your son's diagnosis or that medication is the answer to everything, just that our son did have a diagnosis, wasn't just being 'bad' and that there was a solution to his/our problem. I agree that children/people in general lash out for a reason. 

If you haven't already done it I would secure an appointment with a developmental paediatrician as a starting point. Good Luck! Let us know how you go.