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I'm not entirely sure what to expect from posting here but after numerous counselling sessions that I felt weren't beneficial to me, I thought I might get a different outlook by talking to people with experiences themselves.
I'm a 24 year old male, who has been aware not all was right for about 6 years but only fully acknowledged the issue about 2 years ago. I've lived a frivolous life which I've never quite fully forgiven myself for. Despite being what I would consider to be an intelligent guy I dropped out of my A Levels and dropped out of two college courses. I lied about the above to my parents who to this very day believe I passed all those courses. Whilst pretending to be in full time education I was really only working in a management role within a company, a role which I took advantage of in order to steal money.
For the next three years, I would live a life of deceit, I'd pretend I'd be at college in the day and work at night due to living at home, the truth of the matter is I was out at the very least 6 times a week drinking and gambling. My day would consist of finishing work at 2pm, going straight to the pub, onto a nightclub and then on to a casino until 5am and then I'd go back to work directly from the casino. All told, I reckon I spent over £30,000 in this period of time.
2 years ago I lost a friend to a car accident and then my best friend was murdered in a nightclub a few months later. This set me off and I went on a complete path of destruction. I walked out of my job, drank more excessively than I ever had, spent nights locked up and ran up debts which I still ignore to this day.
About half a year later, I met the most beautiful person I had ever laid eyes on. This person was an absolute angel, a reason to change my ways and right all my wrongs. I found myself a new job and set about changing my ways. The first few months were the best of my life and I felt on top of the world. As time wore on, I felt myself slowly slipping back into the abyss and I started to distance myself from her. I would make her feel stupid, low and anything I could to create a wedge between us, I seemingly would. It got to the point where I couldn't function anymore but the only thing during this period which gave me some semblance of life was this wonderful human being who I was neglecting.
After grinding through my everyday life, trying to hide my depression from her and trying to stay strong I finally crumbled and let her in to my troubles. I finally decided to acknowledge my problems and sought help. I went to counselling 5 times a week for a month but made absolutely no head way and started to slip back into my old ways of excessive drinking. At this point she could no longer deal with me bringing her down anymore.
I couldn't cope and tried to take my life for the second time (The first time happened shortly after my best friend passed). I woke up in hospital after taking an overdose and drinking to the extremes. I was checked out of hospital, sent back to a crisis prevention team and continued my mundane life.
A week passed and I decided I was going to end my life again, I withdrew all the money I had, walked out of my job, went on a 32 hour drug and alcohol binge and decided after it was all done, I was going to jump off of a bridge. I got to the bridge and after sitting there crying for what seemed like an eternity, I didn't want to jump, I wanted to right my wrongs and win back the love of my life so I set to work.
I quit drinking, I quit smoking, I started up boxing again and got on a real health kick where I was eating healthily and running upwards of 10 miles a day. I enrolled in University where I'm currently on target for first class honours and I started looking for a job with real career aspects.
I recently bumped into her and after a while I told her of all the things I was doing to get better and that not only was I doing it for me, but for us. She basically quashed any glimmer I had for us and I have now crumbled again. I decided to fight back and try again in the hope I would win her back but I had just lost all hope.
Which brings me to today. I've spent the past 4 days awake, unable to sleep, eat and barely drink. I lie face down in my pillow for the best part of 22 hours a day, crying uncontrollably. The only thought I have is that of suicide, it now consumes me. I've tried to take my life twice before but I don't think I was serious about it as I am now.
I've wrote out my suicide note, gathered all my possessions to be given to the people I want to have them and I have prepared all the necessary equipment I need in order to take my life.
I don't know why I have shared this with you other than subconsciously I might find a glimmer of hope on here or maybe it was just to finally get the things off my chest truly anonymously.
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