My Story

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I'm not entirely sure what to expect from posting here but after numerous counselling sessions that I felt weren't beneficial to me, I thought I might get a different outlook by talking to people with experiences themselves.

I'm a 24 year old male, who has been aware not all was right for about 6 years but only fully acknowledged the issue about 2 years ago. I've lived a frivolous life which I've never quite fully forgiven myself for. Despite being what I would consider to be an intelligent guy I dropped out of my A Levels and dropped out of two college courses. I lied about the above to my parents who to this very day believe I passed all those courses. Whilst pretending to be in full time education I was really only working in a management role within a company, a role which I took advantage of in order to steal money.

For the next three years, I would live a life of deceit, I'd pretend I'd be at college in the day and work at night due to living at home, the truth of the matter is I was out at the very least 6 times a week drinking and gambling. My day would consist of finishing work at 2pm, going straight to the pub, onto a nightclub and then on to a casino until 5am and then I'd go back to work directly from the casino. All told, I reckon I spent over £30,000 in this period of time.

2 years ago I lost a friend to a car accident and then my best friend was murdered in a nightclub a few months later. This set me off and I went on a complete path of destruction. I walked out of my job, drank more excessively than I ever had, spent nights locked up and ran up debts which I still ignore to this day.

About half a year later, I met the most beautiful person I had ever laid eyes on. This person was an absolute angel, a reason to change my ways and right all my wrongs. I found myself a new job and set about changing my ways. The first few months were the best of my life and I felt on top of the world. As time wore on, I felt myself slowly slipping back into the abyss and I started to distance myself from her. I would make her feel stupid, low and anything I could to create a wedge between us, I seemingly would. It got to the point where I couldn't function anymore but the only thing during this period which gave me some semblance of life was this wonderful human being who I was neglecting.

After grinding through my everyday life, trying to hide my depression from her and trying to stay strong I finally crumbled and let her in to my troubles. I finally decided to acknowledge my problems and sought help. I went to counselling 5 times a week for a month but made absolutely no head way and started to slip back into my old ways of excessive drinking. At this point she could no longer deal with me bringing her down anymore.

I couldn't cope and tried to take my life for the second time (The first time happened shortly after my best friend passed). I woke up in hospital after taking an overdose and drinking to the extremes. I was checked out of hospital, sent back to a crisis prevention team and continued my mundane life.

A week passed and I decided I was going to end my life again, I withdrew all the money I had, walked out of my job, went on a 32 hour drug and alcohol binge and decided after it was all done, I was going to jump off of a bridge. I got to the bridge and after sitting there crying for what seemed like an eternity, I didn't want to jump, I wanted to right my wrongs and win back the love of my life so I set to work.

I quit drinking, I quit smoking, I started up boxing again and got on a real health kick where I was eating healthily and running upwards of 10 miles a day. I enrolled in University where I'm currently on target for first class honours and I started looking for a job with real career aspects.

I recently bumped into her and after a while I told her of all the things I was doing to get better and that not only was I doing it for me, but for us. She basically quashed any glimmer I had for us and I have now crumbled again. I decided to fight back and try again in the hope I would win her back but I had just lost all hope.

Which brings me to today. I've spent the past 4 days awake, unable to sleep, eat and barely drink. I lie face down in my pillow for the best part of 22 hours a day, crying uncontrollably. The only thought I have is that of suicide, it now consumes me. I've tried to take my life twice before but I don't think I was serious about it as I am now.

I've wrote out my suicide note, gathered all my possessions to be given to the people I want to have them and I have prepared all the necessary equipment I need in order to take my life.

I don't know why I have shared this with you other than subconsciously I might find a glimmer of hope on here or maybe it was just to finally get the things off my chest truly anonymously.



1 like, 9 replies

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    You have not mentioned the obvious - visiting your doctor. Do that and phone the Samaritans then come back here because we've been through the system that you have avoided.
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  • Posted

    Apologies for not providing much clarity in my post, I was mindful of babbling on for too long.

    I first made contact with GP 20 months ago and was prescribed Fluoxetine, I've been to see my Doctor on numerous occasions in that time frame, the most recent being 5 weeks ago. I've been with a crisis prevention team of counsellors for the past 3/4 months. I get home visits from Counsellors 4/5 times a week.

    I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I am currently waiting to be referred to a 10 week counselling programme called 'healthy minds' but the crisis prevention team are yet to refer me as I'm too 'high risk' and won't be accepted onto the programme.

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  • Posted

    Jaguar - that seems a rather blunt reply to someone who is clearly in difficulty. How each one of us deals with depression will be an individual thing. I wouldn't judge anyone else because I know how hard it is to open up and get help.

    Lee - it sounds like you've been through hell. To lose two people so close to you would naturally be heartbreaking. I'm really sorry to hear things have not worked out with your partner, but you need to focus on getting better for you. I know it might not feel like you have anything to live for at the moment, but you are ill and not thinking clearly. You haven't mentioned if you have friends and family who care about you. Even if you are truly alone at the moment, there is no reason why you will not make friends - through work, clubs, gym, online dating whatever.

    I think the fact you have taken time to share your story suggests to me, you have not totally given up on life. Hold that thought please. There is so much to live for and you need to accept your mind is not well and you shouldn't make rash decisions.

    If you are in touch with your parents, please reach out to them. If you feel desperate and need to talk, ring the Samaritans. There's no shame, 20 years ago I did the same thing. You should go back to your doctors or make an appointment if you've not been before. I'm not clear whether you are on medication or not, but it may help. It has me.

    Take care and don't give up. You can come through this. xx

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  • Posted

    Hi Lee

    Well at least they have discovered what's wrong with you now they have to try to find the medication to help you feel better, and they can my friend had a disastrous 5 years before being diagnosed she married someone who she didn't love but thought that it might make her feel happier with someone, he left her after going off with her friend she was a beautiful girl who I always thought had everything but she was just living a lie she nearly drank herself to death and was on a road to destruction with drugs eventually she was sectioned for her own safety and they found medication that started to get through to her but it was over a period of two years when she tried to go back to work where she slipped back and she realised she could never go back to anything that resembled her old life, she tried many different medications until they found one that agreed with her and she will be on this for life, she still has times where she thinks she can manage without them, but she can't and falls apart again, this has been a pattern for her but she is getting there she still has her bad days but they are manageable with the support off the family, have you spoken to your family about how you feel because they can't help you if they don't know what's going on with you, can you think how they will feel if you through with this, it will affect them knowing they didn't know how you felt yes you have lived a lie for some years but it's time to come clean and be honest with everyone. mental illness affect everyone at some point in their lives and without help you can't do it alone, accept that your girlfriend has been affected by the way you treated her and is worried that you might do it again, imagine her position when you told her you where doing this for her you have to do this for yourself and no one else you have proved you can do it just keep continuing along this route, I have never found counselling helped me it's just a place where you can speak your mind, something you can't always do with friends but give yourself a bit more time till they find the right medication for you as they have many others. Sorry if I have gone on a bit but your posting really upset me there lots of people out there who won't judge your take care Sue

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  • Posted

    I still live at home but my relationship with my parents is strained. They are currently going through a divorce which makes being at home a hostile environment. I did speak to my Mom up until recently as she herself has suffered with mental illness due to a terrible childhood but I've become increasingly irratible of late and intolerable of everyone around me.

    I live under the same roof as my Dad but we haven't spoke for weeks. He believes I have a part to play in the failure of his marriage which he holds against me.

    I hide in my room now because I have violent tendencies and have assaulted my Dad in the past. I keep out the way now because I make irrational choices in heated moments.

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  • Posted

    Now we've got a more informative picture, Lee, let's consider where you stand today. From your diagnosis your GP cannot do much. So who made that diagnosis? Who are the counsellors you mention and how did you come to be with them?

    Next I would like you to think about your childhood. Clearly you managed academically at school; how many friends (not acquaintances) did you have? What lead to you losing interest in your studies? I can understand that family life was of no help to you in the most recent years but what was it like when you were, say, 7 and 8?

    Fluoxetine is regularly given for bipolar needs and others so that may be right for you but I am concerned by some of the onfo you have given us about your thoughts. Try now to give us that bit more info as best you can.

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  • Posted

    I was referred to the Counsellors by my GP on 4 separate occasions now after I've broken off contact with them after I've had an incident. They're called the RAS team (Risk Assessment Service).

    I've been further referred to two psychiatrists who made home visits, who made the diagnosis, both times they were accompanied by two independent GP's.

    I had a very good childhood and was popular at school due to being a sporty type. I played football at academy and district level and was a county cross country champion, all of which my parents supported me wholeheartedly on. It's from the age of 16/17 onwards I started to spiral.

    I lost interest in my hobbies and studies around that age for no particular reason other than I became noticeably more fatigued throughout the day.

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  • Posted

    Now that is all very interesting. There appears to be a trigger for what may be a deepseated problem. I do not have much faith in psychiatrists simply because 5 of them over a period of nearly 20 years repeatedly failed to listen to my son and continued with a false diagnosis. Far better IMO is to see a psychologist. I am also suggesting that you persuade your GP to send you to see a general specialist (that is a consultant who has no specialism and considers every possibility - it can mean many tests). I cannot make any comment on your RAS members as their competencies is unknown. If they are a replacement for what used to be known as the anger management team then I can say they do a good job in helping to overcome anger but that is a small part of what you may need.

    If you can think back to that time when you changed we may find a trigger. After such a happy and successful period in your life something changed you - you did not change yourself. It may be very difficult to think about that part of your past but I believe the answer lies there somewhere. What you have described since then has no pattern, no single point to start from.Nothing in common on a regular basis for a fuller diagnosis. I am not a doctor nor a medical person but I have had a varied life and dealt with many people with serious problems in their lives. So my advice now is that you try to think and also to go back to your doctor and see if you can get to see a general specialist (he is a bit like a GP but with much greater knowledge and experience who is able to think laterally and ask some surprising questions).

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  • Posted


    When you are settled see if you can check out Professor Lucy Johnstone's video (youtube) re `psychological formulation' . It might give you some ideas of where to go (psychologically that is). She's a very respected researcher and clinical psychologist, who is into `enabling' people. This program (for want of a better word), is where they consider that a `diagnosis' as such is not necessarily helpful. They tackle problems as `difficulties' rather than `symptoms'. Since the DSM V came out, full of all sorts of symptoms of `diseases' that will apply to almost everyone at some time, a lot of mental health professionals including psychiatrists who are disgusted by it are turning to alternatives like Lucy's. It might pay to have a look.

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