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my story

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hi my name is garyiwas diagnosed with depression back in may i have always had black clouds around me most of my adult life i just thought i was a miserable git anyway prior to getting diagnosed my life had just been about work i worked very hardas a maintenance op dashing allover the southeast and for a long time it seems as trhough iwas waring a mask when i got to a job id interact with the client carryout works asap but when id get back in van id be covered in blackness as id drive down motorways id get the thought of driving into the pillars of bridges etc once a van had a blowout infront of me its tire come off and smashed into my van when i pulled over my only thought was if only that had gone thhrough the window on my side that would have solved my problem ...

my moods were becoming worse and my contract was not renewed in feb over the next few months i was drinking more (only time i felt good) .most nites i would drink 2 bottles of wine and 4 cans stella some people would call this excessive but being a 25 stone lump i just kept telling myself iwas thirsty ..

steadilly my life was going down the plughole .

id made my mind up iwas going to end it kept thinking of how for two weeks id toldmyself there was no way out all i could see was darkness everynite iwould goto bed after kissing my 4 children knowing my end was coming iwold cry all nite then in the morning iwould get up help get them off to school watch my partner leave then id go and sleep or just hide under my duvet this had gone on for 3 months .

then onenite i decided this is the last time iwould give goodnite kisses,the following morning after they had all gone i got dressed went round to my garage and started to get ready .

i screwd an extra beam to the existing roof truss and sorted out a canvas srtap (as this would not break and felt more comfortable around my neck as it is 50 mm wide ) i stood on toolbox and was just staring at the wall i couldnt think of any reason to live or any not too i was just numb any moment now my pain will go i kept telling myself after 2 hours i got down sat in my chair and sobbed uncontrolably .

it was sometime later that day i phoned my gp and got too see him the following day he put me on fluxotene and suggested i visit my local mental health unit @slippers hill which i did the following week this was the first time id ever spoke about my problems and the relief felt great

i booked in for more counselling looking forward to that have been on fluxotine and beta blockers since then .

a thing i look back on and it does send a shiver down my spine is that when iwent into my garage to hang myself how detached iwas it was treated in my mind as just another job.

i have a good friend round the corner who phones me every cpl of days to chat as she is going through similar .

i never realised how many people suffer in silence .

a thing to remember is that there is help out there its just not very forthcoming persistence is key.

im not over it dont think i ever will be but i think im learning to enjoy the good moments and ride out the bad ones.

good luck to all who suffer

thanks for reading

just writing this has helped me.

0 likes, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • Peerke
    Peerke

    Posted

    [b:35f59f7dbc]Thanks for sharing your feelings. You made a great step in overcome this illness. I know the feeling of the dark, but I am happy to survive it.

    After the struggle you feel better and more because you did it yourself, ofcourse with the help of others. But the most is done by yourself.

    Writing helps me very good ,

    I hope I helped you a little, take care[/b:35f59f7dbc]

    (Sorry but Patient Admin have removed a web address, from this posting, as it is the policy of Patient UK not to publish these on this forum.)

  • AMETHYST
    AMETHYST

    Posted

    Hi Gary, I have just read your post and totally understand how you felt that day. I was in a similar position 6 years agao. I found out at 5weeks that i was expecting our 4th child. So stupidly i stopped my anti depressants and went cold turkey. Boy did i suffer. I the decided i didnt want my baby, but i did not have the right to end it's life. I got worse and worse and hid alot of my feeling from people close to me. I decided that the only way out was to end my life, i even thought about how i was going to do it and when! Even to the extent of ensuring that it worked and that no way could i survive it. (I won't say what i was going to do, incase someone uses the idea) However, I had decided to end it after christmas 2000, once my other 3 young daughters had gone back to school. On boxing day however, my brother came to have christmas with us to cheer him up after a relationship breakdown. It was on that boxing day that he received a phone call from his ex-girlfriends son - very distressed that his mother had committed suicide. The pain i heard in his little voice will stay with me forever. How could I be so selfish and do exactly the same to my children. I had previously had the thoughts in my mind that my family (we are very close) would be better of without me and that in time they would get used to it! How???

    This was my turning point, and i will always remember that feeling. I now have 4 beautiful daughters, a wonderful Husband and Mom. Life still has its moments i am not disputing that, but this is life! it makes us the people we are!

  • Blunt_Twilight
    Blunt_Twilight

    Posted

    Hi,

    I'm sorry to hear you've had such a horrible experience in regards the situation in the garage, but i really understood what you meant when you say you were removed from the whole thing and that it was 'just a job'.

    3 years ago i took an overdose of 24 paracetamol in the morning of a May bank holiday. After taking them, i went in to town with my friends, went shopping, hung out, got drunk and came home where i started to throw up with little control of what i was doing. I ended up in hospital, luckily didn't have my stomach pumped but was on a drip to flush them out of my system for 7 days. I was told that if i hadn't come into the hospital i would have died within a week.

    In the days that followed with me being alone on a childrens ward (i was 16 at the time) surrounded by those who were seriously ill i felt like such a fool. I still find it hard to put my finger on what happened to make me decide that that Saturday should be my last. I constantly relived the numbness yet sheer satisfaction about what i had done as i floated from one shop to another with my unaware friends. It was a horribly bizarre experience.

    I'd like to think things are better now. I'm finally on Citalopram which seems to work for me, although i still have the visible and non visible scars of my depression. Although i've been to a counselor before, it didn't feel right but i think it's time to try again, but it scares me a whole lot. I seem to have mastered building up a front that makes people think i am fine and that can sometimes convince myself that i am ok.

    Anyway, enough of my rambling! It's great that you're doing better now, and i wish you all the best in the future.

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