My Story

Posted , 5 users are following.

Sorry for the maybe somewhat useless post, however I feel like I just need somewhere to vent my frustration/progress/story and although it may be a bit tedious to read, if you take the time to, I thank you.

My life was going fine for a while, I had just got the job I had always wanted and everything else was going fine. I then through my own stupidness at the gym damaged my chest badly and developed what is described as costochondritis or inflammation of the chest wall, it's amazing how something so unrelated and seemingly harmless can turn into so much more? After batteling the severe pain for a while I then ended up with anxiety and depression because of it, symptoms ranging from severe heart palpitations and panic attacks, to social awkwardness, depersonalisation/derealisation, as well as occasional physical pain such as intense migraines which I had constantly every day for almost 6months.

I have been on a course of Antidepressant and anti anxiety medication ( Setraline and Propanolll) for around 5 months and although I feel a little better from them the improvement is not significant enough to the point I would class my self as cured.

I find myself constantly thinking about my "old life" and how good it was and how much I wish I could get it back, and take nothing for granted ever again, but it feels out of my reach and no matter how much I try to dig myself out of this hell I still have a lot of days where I can't be bothered being here, I wouldn't go as far as to say I am suicidal purely due to the fact that I could bear the thought of doing that to family.

I am constantly reminded of my current situation by different things, one of which is the apparent need for people to point out the weight I have put on due to said tablets, like why would you even care? People don't understand what can be going on behind closed doors in someone's life and are so inconsiderate when choosing what to say to a person, so this brings me down immensely and only adds to the depression.

At the beginning before the tablets I would genuinely look in the mirror and see a blank canvas staring back at me, I don't know if anyone else feels like this sense of derealisation, almost like you are looking at someone else's life or as if the world has a glaze over the top of it? It's a scary feeling which I still get even now. However I have been mildly better since the mess (minus the weight) but I need that next step, I need something or someone who is going to come along and grab me from this hell, yeah I know people have a lot worse reasons to be depressed but sadly depression is maybe different in how it is obtained but once you have it we are all the same.

I long to get back to my old self and if anyone could share tips on anything they maybe have done which helped them I would be appreciative, I recently started exercising again which is helping a little!

I hope everyone is winning there own battle and staying safe and I apologise for the rant but I suppose I need to vent it out somewhere!

Thank you for your time and good luck

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    relax! It's not a matter of guilt or shame. 

    It's okay, don't worry it usually happens. But all it depends on how you take everything according to your attitude. try to find out positive in everything.

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  • Posted

    Your post is so reminiscent of my position.  It was after emergency hospital treatment when an op didnt go to plan that i found myself very anxious.  Dr gave me diazepam but over the weeks then decided i needed an anti depressant as i was feeling lower and lower and all the things i used to do, gym, buddies, walking group etc had disappeared.  The weight came on with the meds and i cant use anything in my wardrobe.  The anti deps haven't been easy,side effects  make me feel worse too. I just feel i want my old life back too.  I cant understand how this has all happened but need to find what i had.  I am scared to go to a class  now, anxiety is all around me.  Why is this, I wish you and i knew and we could get over it.  I have tried 25 CBT sessions but they just say get on with life, its not that easy.  No wonder we read of people every day who cant take any more.  Good to hear your views and realise its not just me in this position.

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    • Posted

      Thank you for the reply! Yeah it definitely sucks, I'm booked in for CBT in a week or so and will see how I get on, don't get me wrong there definitely has been an improvement since the tablets but I still get those mega down days, and really heavy physical symptoms more so than the mental ones such as intense heart palpitations, headaches, panic, sweats, muscular aches and these weird twitches that come and go in my back and down my arms but they aren't everyday and I have had EcG blood tests to rule out heart problems, however they still annoy me! I'm getting away to do things more often than I was before where I more or less lived in my room for a year only going out to work and very very occasionally but hey I suppose we have to just get on with it there is no other option really is there? I wish you continued improvement in your own situation and thanks again for the reply and kind words

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  • Posted

    Hi Ranger - sorry to read of your situation, but you have come to right place to vent. With regard the twitches etc, I'm wondering whether the doage of your meds might be adjusted? Discuss that with your doc if you think that will help. As for those who comment on your weight - I had that problem too. I was always skinny like a twig and after seeking treatment for life-long depression in middle-age, i became a balloon and people I had not seen for years could not believe it was me; "What happened to you?"  Talk about compounding depression! Then I realised that whatever Iooked like, most people ponder it for a minute or so then forget it, start thinking about what they'll do after work, or whether Donald Trump picks his nose, or what's for dinner etc. To hell with them i say. Depression is a silent and hidden trauma. Many of us can only deal with it a minute, an hour, a day at a time. I wish there was something I could write that would be an a-ha! moment for you, but it really is about each day as it comes with the hope that tomorrow that particular something that sparks the old engine comes our way. I dealt with the weight by addressing the diet. A bit at a time. First removing trans-fats from the menu, then a couple of weeks later, removing meat, then dispensing with sugars. That was tough - all those bright and seductive lollies calling after me as i dash through the supermarket aisle. Changing eating habits has helped. Your exercising is a real positive - it doesn't have to be marathon. I walk absolutely everywhere. The only exercise better than that is swimming. Keep going, Ranger. You're not alone.

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