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I'm writing this in the hope people do not make the same mistakes I made, which unfortunately I know many have and will keep doing.
In 2013 I met the most wonderful woman, kind, loving and always had a smile. At the time I was 29 with 2 children and only a few months before finished a relationship. She was 20 and in a relationship but not a happy one. I was not in the best shape of my life mentally and wasn't looking to enter another relationship.
We starting talking through work and eventually messaging through facebook at the time, eventually I plucked up the courage to get her number to text rather than facebook (I blamed to signal for data).
As time went on feelings grew between us, but I would not act on it due to her being in a relationship, but in time I realised I was falling for this woman and started to feel myself again. I didn't know if she felt the same and I was too shy to ask the question.
We sent 1000s of texts to each other, just general chat about various things until one day I got a text that was abbreviated, that she thinks she's falling in love with me. I knew instantly what the message ment and couldn't stop smiling. But she was still in a relationship and I would not act on our feelings as I know how much that would hurt from past experience, so we just chatted as we would normally do.
Eventually she ended the relationship after a couple of months realising that she wanted to be with me, we shared our first kiss, I couldn't control my breathing but its a feeling I will never forget.
At the time I had nothing, I'd moved back into my mothers at the time to save money and get my life back in order and get my own place, so this wonderful women took me on with nothing. We became inseparable spending every moment together. I was the happiest man alive, I'd found a best friend, a beautiful women, my soulmate.
The first year together was perfect, we had the odd argument but couples did, we would discuss it and that would be that. She took ti my children instantly and had a fantastic relationship.
Then just after new year my dad took seriously ill, he had been ill for a while and knew deep down he did not have long left, but it came suddenly, within 3 days my dad passed away, the women I love stood by me throughout it all, all I wanted was her by my side and she was, she was there when he took his last breath, she had to deal with something no 21 year old should have to deal with.
I was off work to arrange the funeral, she went to work as she wasn't allowed the time off, she stayed strong for me and comforted me during this time. I was holding it together but it was hard for me to do.
I thought I was dealing with it well, its only now that I didn't and still haven't dealt with it. I didn't want to get hurt again so I began to hold it in, keep the pain to myself thinking this was helping, showing everyone I was strong.
But it wasn't, I was hiding behind all the pain, refusing to let it out, this caused us to argue at lot. By hiding the pain I though I was being strong, I wasn't, all I was doing is hurting the people who loved me the most, and that was the woman I loved.
Because of this I didn't once stop to ask her if she was ok, she had dealt with something that we all have to deal with at some point in our lives, but we should have to at a young age, which unfortunately happens.
We kept arguing, i knew the problem was me by not opening up and letting it out, I said I would get help, but I never did, instead hiding myself behind all the pain because I didn't want to get hurt again. I was selfish.
This week we had one argument to many and she left, its only now I've lost her I've realised I need help. I've hurt the women I love the most and that was never my intention. I will never forgive myself for not seeking help sooner, as each day passes the pain becomes more unbearable knowing I won't hear her voice, cuddle with her, be with her, waking up to realise she is not there anymore.
Don't make the mistake I have, holding the pain in, because all it will do is hurt the ones you love, I know people will make the same mistakes and have already do so. I just wanted to tell my story. Thank you
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