My story - looking for support.

In November 2016, I began after my period experiencing pain that had crippled me. I've never had any real health issues so I was shocked by the agony. I could barely make it to the bathroom. The extreme paid was mostly at my left side where my ribs are. I thought it was possibly my spleen. I put off going to the doctors because after a few days it was gone. December, January it happened again. The same ever time. It felt like I was being stabbed on my left side for a few days after my period each time. February was different... I got the pain 6 hours before my period started. I then got my period and had the usual agonising period pains -which I had experienced since I was 11 years old but always told "it happens to everyone, stop being a drama queen"- and then when it stopped the stabbing left side pain was back.

After four months of this I decided to go to the doctors, February 2017. The doctor instantly told me he thought it was endometriosis. Id never heard of it before. I says to the doctor "Is endometriosis related to my spleen?" haha!

I was referred to gynaecology. I went to my appointment and was told it cant be endometriosis because I have conceived to children naturally, he says, we see endometriosis in woman in there 30's who are trying to find the reason they cant conceive. I says to the doctor that's all fine and good but I was 19 and 20 when I conceived, correct me if I'm wrong but my chances of conceiving then are greater than an average 30 year old women never mind health conditions. He scanned me and said I had a small cyst on my left ovary and the pain could be radiating. I was angry to have been dismissed so easily, for having had two children. I told him I had every single symptom on the NHS website. I wasn't really happy being told it was just a cyst. So I had a follow up appointment in 2 months to confirm it was a cyst as it was quite small. 

2 months later and by this point I was getting the stabbing pain in my left side every day mostly, my back was in agony most of the time although nothing compared to that stabbing pain. A more accurate description of that pain would be as if someone was grabbing that area and twisting and squeezing it and jabbing it with there nails. Anyhow, it got to the day of my appointment and I couldn't go. The doctor had made me feel like a silly little girl crying wolf and by this point trust me I felt it! No one believed me. Everyone said period pains were normal, I couldn't possibly be in this pain, people have it worse, someone else has endometriosis and they live just fine. I could have screamed, privately I often did. I was waking up in the middle of the night screaming with the pain. Having two toddlers was super hard as well. I can honestly say as much as I love my children, if I knew there life was going to be watching me in bed in agony or passed out from pain meds I wouldnt have had them! They deserve so much better. Luckily, they have a great dad. 

So I miss my appointment, no one wanted to fight with me, why should I? 

I get another appointment for November 2017, one year after the pain first started. I couldn't go on any more. I was crippled, I lost friends, I was losing my self as a mother, I was losing family. I went to my appointment. My cyst had grown and another cyst had appeared. And get this, I was diagnosed via scan with endometriosis! I cried in the doctors office at the fact there was some proof finally that I wasn't crazy and I wasn't making this up. I was given a surgery date for early January. 

By this point, my depression was through the roof. I was drinking every time I didn't have the kids to numb the pain (physical and emotional), I was suicidal. The weekend after my diagnoses, I tried to kill myself. The relief of having that diagnoses soon turned to dread that this could be my life. Theres no cure, my pain certainly didn't get any easier. I was becoming less and less able as a mother, that what it really comes down to. I'm ashamed that I can't be the mother I was, the mother I want to be. I want to take my kids out. I want them to be able to bounce all over me. I don't want to ship them off because I can't handle them. I miss them so much when I don't have them and I put myself through so much pain just to see and have them and no one understands that or believes that. All I want is to be a good mother. I want to cook them good food, cooking is a passion of mines that I've lost through the inability to stand and cook. I'm in my house 24/7 nearly and I am depressed and sick of it. 

So, anyway I tried to kill myself with the pain killers, unfortunately my partner woke up and found me. The drip they put me on was awful. I just wanted to be dead (I still do). I was released from hospital the next day, I didn't see my kids for two weeks. I took that time to try and feel better but I didn't. I felt worse. With Christmas coming up the stress was mounting and I was as sore as always and feeling more and more depressed. One of my favourite things at christmas is settling up the kids toys after they've went to bed and making the place look great. I could barely even do that by myself. I was seeing the kids less and less because I hated them seeing how sick I am. Being told I was abandoning them. I missed them so much.

The date came for my surgery and I went in. I had to cysts removed, my bowel, bladder and ovaries were all fused to my abdomen, my bowel got ripped when being removed from my abdomen. When I came around I was in no pain (the pain from surgery was nothing compared to what I was used to) and for a full 11 days I had no endometriosis pain. I was ecstatic.I took the kids out on day 11 by myself and that very night, the pain returned... 

now its been around 6/7 weeks since my surgery and my pain is only worse. I see my gynaecologist at the start of March. I'm going to see my doctor tomorrow. I have a new crippling pain which is effecting my ability to walk easily. My hip bone on the right side has that same stabbing, grabbing twisting pain. My back is sorer than it ever was. I actually at 23 years old had to get my partner to wash my hair for me because I physically couldn't. At 23 years old, this isn't what my life should be. I should be able to live it instead of being bed bound most of the time.

I have very little hope to go on, I hate that people don't believe the pain. I hate that I cant be a good mother. I hate that I can't work. I hate that I cant have the odd good day without it making people disbelieve me. I just want it all to end.

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