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How my anxiety began is not a story I ever wanted to tell. Today I realize that by telling my story it may help me overcome the anxiety I live with. You May think I'm a terrible person and I don't blame you. I have realized I'm not a terrible person, I just did terrible things I truly regret.
I had a terrible childhood. I got beatings pretty often -- almost on a daily basis. I witnessed domestic abuse and had alcoholics and drugs around me growing up. I was sexually abused as a child.
When my mother died, I suffered major depression and was hospitalized. I was told then I was bipolar but I didn't believe it. I was very unhappy with my marriage and he manipulated me. There is a lot that happened but I can't go into all of the details. I decided to meet someone who was married but felt alone like me.
I met someone and we began seeing one another. He reminded me so much of my father, the only person who cared while I was growing up. I fell in love with this married man. I began believing he was seeing other woman. Unfortunately I was having a manic episode and I was not taking medication. I became obsessed with him. He was placing ads on a site called Craig's list looking for other women. He was also posting random posts. I loved him so much that I couldn't imagine him with someone else or see that he was no good for me. I began calling his wife at work to tell her he was having an affair. I mailed her letters and text his cell phone from other numbers saying I knew he was cheating. I believed he was cheating so I cheated on him with someone I had spent the night with so they could fix my car. I was not okay! My manic episode was so bad I was going from very high to depressive lows. I wanted to die and I began to plan it. The man finally stopped seeing me and that made me want to die even more. I took myself to the hospital as I knew I needed help. I got the help I needed and have been taking bipolar medication. I also see a psychiatrist every six weeks and attend group. It has been three years. I have truly come a long way and can see how very sick I was. I attend college now to become a clinical therapist. I want to help people who are going through what I have gone through.
When I think of all the terrible things I've done, the anxiety is so bad I shake. Believe it or not, until recently I hoped this man would take me back because I truly fell in love with him. I guess it was my own insecurities because he is no good for me. He hacked my phone and knows everything about me. For years he had my phone hacked and that contributed to my anxiety. I felt violated and exposed but I loved him and didn't want to hide anything anymore. I felt so guilty about everything I had done, I wanted to die. That's when the anxiety began.
I want to live now and help people! When I think of him or what I did, I shake with anxiety. Will it ever end? Many times I feel I deserve it because of my behavior back then. I made many bad choices in the past and I have learned from it. He had his issues and something is not right with him but I didn't see it. I think he needs help because of all the things I'm certain of. I could've called the police about him hacking my phone but I'd done a lot of things I shouldn't have and he could've called the police on me. I just want the anxiety to end and move on from all of this!
Thanks for reading! It was lengthy. I just had to say all of this to someone!
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