My story on my anxiety

Posted , 6 users are following.

How my anxiety began is not a story I ever wanted to tell. Today I realize that by telling my story it may help me overcome the anxiety I live with. You May think I'm a terrible person and I don't blame you. I have realized I'm not a terrible person, I just did terrible things I truly regret.

I had a terrible childhood. I got beatings pretty often -- almost on a daily basis. I witnessed domestic abuse and had alcoholics and drugs around me growing up. I was sexually abused as a child.

When my mother died, I suffered major depression and was hospitalized. I was told then I was bipolar but I didn't believe it. I was very unhappy with my marriage and he manipulated me. There is a lot that happened but I can't go into all of the details. I decided to meet someone who was married but felt alone like me.

I met someone and we began seeing one another. He reminded me so much of my father, the only person who cared while I was growing up. I fell in love with this married man. I began believing he was seeing other woman. Unfortunately I was having a manic episode and I was not taking medication. I became obsessed with him. He was placing ads on a site called Craig's list looking for other women. He was also posting random posts. I loved him so much that I couldn't imagine him with someone else or see that he was no good for me. I began calling his wife at work to tell her he was having an affair. I mailed her letters and text his cell phone from other numbers saying I knew he was cheating. I believed he was cheating so I cheated on him with someone I had spent the night with so they could fix my car. I was not okay! My manic episode was so bad I was going from very high to depressive lows. I wanted to die and I began to plan it. The man finally stopped seeing me and that made me want to die even more. I took myself to the hospital as I knew I needed help. I got the help I needed and have been taking bipolar medication. I also see a psychiatrist every six weeks and attend group. It has been three years. I have truly come a long way and can see how very sick I was. I attend college now to become a clinical therapist. I want to help people who are going through what I have gone through.

When I think of all the terrible things I've done, the anxiety is so bad I shake. Believe it or not, until recently I hoped this man would take me back because I truly fell in love with him. I guess it was my own insecurities because he is no good for me. He hacked my phone and knows everything about me. For years he had my phone hacked and that contributed to my anxiety. I felt violated and exposed but I loved him and didn't want to hide anything anymore. I felt so guilty about everything I had done, I wanted to die. That's when the anxiety began.

I want to live now and help people! When I think of him or what I did, I shake with anxiety. Will it ever end? Many times I feel I deserve it because of my behavior back then. I made many bad choices in the past and I have learned from it. He had his issues and something is not right with him but I didn't see it. I think he needs help because of all the things I'm certain of. I could've called the police about him hacking my phone but I'd done a lot of things I shouldn't have and he could've called the police on me. I just want the anxiety to end and move on from all of this!

Thanks for reading! It was lengthy. I just had to say all of this to someone!

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12 Replies

  • Posted

    that was a very sad story and I do hope you get over the man, and move to someone else who has no ties, I suffer from anxiety but like you its along story. I think in everyone life we all make bad choices we dont know it at the time but when its finished you suddenly look back and see the reasons why, prehaps you could do that but dont make to much of it as your anxiety will start up again, I feel that you are very brave to try and train to help others that would be a very big step but you have to remember not to take on too much otherwise it will effect you. I wish you luck and feel you are very brave in saying and admitting what you did, I hope you suceed in what you hope to do.
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    • Posted

      Thank you grandmaw! I am certainly trying to get over him and I also know he is no good for me. Unfortunately it took him deciding he didn't want anything to do with me for me to see it. I want to believe that when I completely let go it will ease my anxiety. I will take it one step at a time.
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  • Posted

    Hello,  Thank you for sharing your story, it can not of being easy. Everybody has done things that they regret, maybe some more than others. I know i for one have done things i am very ashamed of. Believe me you are not the first or last person to sleep with a married man. I had a very difficult and abusive childhood and i mistoke men wanting sex as love because my father was awful to me. I will not go into details either. So look at it as experiences and learn from them. I think most people have skeletons in their closet. You have had your meds sorted and attented groups to help you, that is good. You will not be able to change your diagnosis of bipolar but you will manage it. Well done also for going to college to be a cliniical therapist,  you will be great at this as you have so much life experience. Good luck for the future. Don't dwell on the past, learn from it. Some things i have done would make your hair curl. Your no worse or better than anyone else. Your equal. 

    Best wishes.

    Elizabeth

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  • Posted

    I think a lot of women tell their wife in the end because they act on there hurt ! U were unwell also. Did you truly believe he was cheating because of your bi polar or was it like a lot of people do (insecure/paranoid) I often question if I'm bipolar as I get things in my head and go over board but they Arnt out of no where something has it trigger it off. I believe manic episodes are out of no where without real reason
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    • Posted

      I'm certain I am accurate in him posting on Craig's list. An acquaintance of his asked me why I wanted to be another one on his list. I asked him why his acquaintances would say such a thing and he got upset that I was calling him a liar. He also hacked my phone. It is very clear now...all of it but I didn't want to see it or believe it. Yet there was a part of me who believed my suspicions. My bipolar came in, in how I handled it and my sick obsession because I had never been in love before and I was suffering from a manic episode. I have gone over everything that happened and I know my suspicions are acurate. Now, did he meet other women from those posts? I don't know, I never saw it. However, it was from a post he met me. What I do know is that I want to move forward and not have those terrible choices in my past cause so much anxiety I literally shake. I just want it to end! But my behavior came from somewhere I just couldn't see it clearly. Thank you for replying rachel!
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  • Posted

    And I don't think anything you have done sound much different to a lot of well people so don't be hard on yourself. Your getting better and that fab and your helping others smile well done!
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  • Posted

    It sounds like you thought this guy was like your security blanket and when he hurt you so much it felt like the rug had been pulled from underneath you.

    I hope you make new friends soon so that you do not focus on this situation which if responsible for your anxiety.

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    • Posted

      I wanted him to save me. I thought only he could Louisaluvsrio. He was different so I thought. Truth is I was sick and lied and pretended to be someone I wasn't. It took him to sever all ties for me to finally take the blindfold off and see that he was no good for me. I still feel terrible for what I did because I'm not that woman. I was sick and stupid in love where I had no business being. I prayed to God to remove him from my life if he truly was no good for me. He answered and It's made me finally accept the truth. He has his own issues and he was far from perfect. I guess maybe I was looking for someone who would keep me safe and love me. My insecurities were a major factor. Something I am working on today. He hacked my phone and that I'm 100% sure. When I became homeless and ended up in a shelter, he could've helped me. It was very traumatic but he choose not to. All of this causes anxiety because I never would've left him there. I just didn't want to believe he didn't love me. The anxiety of all of this is still so strong. Out of all the things I've endured, nothing affected me as much as this has. Sometimes I still hate myself for it but I am working on myself. In order to help other people, I have to help myself. Sorry I went on, yes, I guess I am hurt. I am sure I hurt him too. Even though I did some terrible things I hope he sees what he did to me was also wrong but it's out of my hands. Thanks for listening!

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  • Posted

    Hi,

    I believe it is possible to overcome anything that has happened in the past! Only it may take time. I have overcome a lot of guilt i have had over cheating and lying, im not proud of it, but thinking about it today doesnt make me anxious anymore. Maybe the old saying that time is the greatest healer is indeed true!

    I hope you get better and thanks for sharing.

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    • Posted

      Thanks Sam! I do too and I've been through a lot but this was one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. My ugliness and what I did to him. I pray to overcome it because it's done and I can't change it. For closure I tried to discuss everything that happened but he wouldn't give me that. I felt I needed it to heal. Now I have to find my own answers and pray God helps get me through this. It's been three years of this terrible anxiety but it got worse when he stopped talking to me. I guess because I loved him and because I would never get closure. I hope to overcome. Thanks for listening.
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  • Posted

    If humans are not happy they seek it. I cheated on my ex and didn't think much of it at the time. I was young but we had a child. Now I'm in love and he supports me thick and thin I wouldn't dream if it and u realize just how awful what I did was. As humans we work on feelings and sometimes these are hard to control. Iv bad anxiety after my baby as I have pnd but I just fear everything it's crazy it makes me feel so dizzy and foggy headed I hate it. I question bipolar but I dont have any high energy times at all lol
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