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My story.................. will it all end

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denise1306
denise1306

It all started the end of 2019 when I had an abnormal mammogram, this freaked me out, having lost both my mam and her maternal aunt to breast cancer. After further investigations it wasn't cancer phew, but the anxiety was horrendous!! Then in July 2020 I had an abnormal FIT test (stool), so again I was referred on the 2 week rule, had scans and colonoscopy all turned out to be normal, but by now my anxiety was off the scale and I found it hard to forget what had happened and go back to normal life. Fast forward to beginning of 2021 and now just a complete mess, crying, shaking, heart leaping out my chest, couldn't be on my own, not eating sleeping etc. I sort help from my GP, to be told I was suffering from Anxiety and prescribed Sertraline 50mg. My nightmare just got worse, these tablets made me more manic than I was, lost 20lbs as had no appetite what so ever, I had no interest in anything, just inside my head all the time, what was happening to me. The thing that hurts the most is my grandson was born during all this and I could'nt get excited I just felt numb!! After 5 weeks I couldn't take them any more and my GP said to stop them, no weaning off them, just stop. Well the withdrawal symptoms started and again I felt dreadful. My GP wouldn't believe they were withdrawal as I hadn't been on them that long and blamed my anxiety!! I was a mess and so scared of what was happening to me, I felt so scared to try another AD. Finally I made an appt with a female GP and just sobbed my way through the appt, she was very sympathetic and suggested I tried Citalopram, she gave me some literature on it and asked me to read before agreeing. I knew I needed help and took the plunge, I was started on 10mg April 2021 and took that for a few weeks, moved up to 15mg and again took for a few weeks, finally end of Aug I upped to 20mg. On all doses I had good and bad days, but began to feel better than I had in a long time. I'm now having weeks of feeling really good, but every couple of weeks I feel flat, sad and my heart races, is this normal? Its 7 months now I've been on 20mg and thought I would be over the blips/setbacks? It's so devastating when you feel like you've finally recovered and see the world rosy again, then BANG out of nowhere you feel back to the beginning, feeling fearful, what if thoughts, flat!! Just a few weeks ago I went on holiday with my hubby, which this time last year I couldn't imagine doing that ever again!! Sorry for the long text, just want my old self back for good. Can anyone relate to this story, who have made it through to the other side? Thank you for reading D x

0 likes, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • ian90586
    ian90586 denise1306

    Edited

    Hi Denise,I can see where your anxiety originates from now when you tell the full story. It's totally understandable to have anxiety about our health, especially when you experience serious brushes with Cancer as you have, thankfully you were given the all clear. Dr's are also pretty clueless when it comes to mental health,and 5 weeks on Sertraline is more than enough to experience withdrawal, alongside a return of original symptoms.

    What I wanted to say is that although antidepressants can be very effective for anxiety, anxiety is all about our thoughts and the way we think. Antidepressants can't change the way we think,we are not robots but complex individuals with our own personality,opinions,ways of thinking etc that makes us humans. You have identified the source of your anxiety,health anxiety is a common anxiety, and you have to tackle those thoughts that are still bothering you, wether consciously or subconsciously,until they go away. Antidepressants just mask those thoughts temporarily,stop the antidepressants and they will all flood back. It's not easy,and we all struggling with intrusive thoughts from time to time. I think that's where talking over things and trying to change our thoughts with CBT can be helpful. It's no good to do CBT for 6 weeks with a therapist etc we have to constantly do it ourselves,month after month,year after year until we rid ourselves of the anxious habit. There's a good video on YouTube explains neuroplasticity: change the anxiety habit. Don't go back to the docs and up your medication,I did that,and although on 30mg I didn't care about anything,I also felt like a zombie. That's not pleasant either. Good luck.

    • denise1306
      denise1306 ian90586

      Edited

      Hi Ian, thanks for your reply. I have got a Cancer fear having lost both parents with it. But it's not that which is bothering me, it's the setbacks and just feeling flat. I've just read a book again about accepting the setbacks and give them as much time as they need. I had CBT last year, but to be honest I don't think I was in the right frame of mind at the time. I have thought about doing it again, now I think I would be able to take it in. D

    • denise1306
      denise1306 ian90586

      Posted

      Hi Ian, thank you for your reply. Yes I'm scared of Cancer, but it's not that which is bothering me, it's the setbacks and feeling flat, it's awful. I did CBT last year, but to be honest don't think I was in the right frame of mind. I've thought about doing it again. I've been reading a certain book about acceptance and letting time pass. Nothing in particular starts it off, I just wake up feeling like this, it's been a week now and it frightens me!!! I'll check out YouTube. D

    • ian90586
      ian90586 denise1306

      Posted

      I don't believe they are setbacks from the medication,the setbacks only occur while your brain and system are adjusting to the medication,which is mostly in the first 12 weeks,and then to a lesser degree in the next 12 weeks. I could be wrong but even though you don't consciously think something's affected you,I think subconsciously a negative thought,or a passing comment,something you read or see on the television can activate a worsening of mood and anxiety regardless of the medication. That's why it is important to keep working on your mind and not rely 100% on the medication to keep you well. They are only a crutch,not a cure.

    • denise1306
      denise1306 ian90586

      Posted

      Hi Ian, if you don't think its the medication, then why can I go to bed perfectly happy and well, to wake up feeling flat and low. I'm asleep, so not thinking, watching TV, or reading. I believe it has to be the fluctuation of Serotonin etc in the brain still trying to level out. Like I've said I have no control over it.

      I'm a nurse in Urgent Care at my local hospital, so surrounded by health issues, but it doesn't bother me unless its my own health. I've worked all the way through the pandemic and also lost a colleague to Covid 😪 I've bought some Magnesium L-threonate but with feeling a bit off I haven't taken any yet. D

    • ian90586
      ian90586 denise1306

      Posted

      hi Denise,going to bed and being OK and feeling good,only to wake feeling terrible the next morning is very common with anxiety sufferers including myself. Stress can work on the brain during sleep, and now you say even more about being a nurse and losing a colleague, just builds up the reasons more and more why you would be feeling stressful causing anxiety. just because you are taking Citalopram doesn't give you complete immunity from the effects from the stressful things that have happened and are happening to you. I've had times when I've been really well on just 10mg and not so well on 20mg purely because life in general was much better and less stressful.

      Be careful with taking magnesium l Threonate,I've been taking it for a long time now and I've found it greatly increases the effects of the antidepressant,meaning I've experienced all the same side effects and heightened anxiety all over again,though not quite as bad. It feels exactly like I increased my antidepressant,so take with caution.

    • yuss88
      yuss88 denise1306

      Posted

      hi denise! i read your other post and i think you are still in the process of levelling out. i have read your older posts and compared and you seem tonnes better - i recently accepted that i should not put a deadline on my recovery. lots of people were saying 6 months and i know if i say 6 months then reach 6 months and am not fully recovered i will just be disappointed. it is hard to see our own progress especially in a blip but outsiders can tell you that you have come really far. keep persevering, i have come to the conclusion that progress is by months not weeks and these meds work reaaallllly gradually

    • denise1306
      denise1306 yuss88

      Edited

      Hi there, thank you for your reply. Yes, compared to how I was in the beginning, I agree I'm tonnes better. You've hit the nail on the head, I'm comparing my recovery to others who say it only took a few weeks or a few months and so when I hit that time I'm expecting exactly the same!! Yes I still think I'm levelling out, just got to be patient, but the same time it's very hard. D

  • nataliya.k
    nataliya.k denise1306

    Posted

    Hi Denise

    your story is mirroring mine .. I am on 7 month on Fluoxetine and have these awful ups and downs.. Can you please tell me if you have recovered and how are you doing now? Thank you

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