My story with medication for anxiety/depression, don't give up, I know its not easy, there IS HOPE.

So my first ever panic attack happened when i was 22 years old and it was such a scary experience that it spun me into a horrible anxiety. It was super scary because i never experiences something like this, so unpleasant and foreign. Ironically it happen while i was doing my practical year as a psychology assistant and i was with a patient and actually managed to keep my composure but when i left the room I felt so unwell I had to go home and slept for the majority of the day. It did not get better for a week or so so i decided i need to my GP and consider medication because i could just not deal with it. Going to GPs office was a nightmare i felt super unwell. I turned from a social extroverted, outgoing person into a complete mess, hermit that was scared to go outside. I had all sorts of anxiety symptoms, i was feeling paranoid, scared to leave the house, did not go out at all. I started the medication (20mg citalopram) and the side effects were absolute hell. Increased anxiety, depersonalisation, panic, intrusive thoughts, OCD, no sleep, crying all the time, hot and cold sensation in my body/limbs, feeling extremely sick, no appetite and could not eat anything for like 4 weeks. All i can tell you that some people are not ready for this and i understand, however some people will just experience these side effects and although they are not normal and makes you feel like your are dying, going crazy ect. it does pass. if you want to get better you need to stick with it. It took about 6 weeks the first time round for the medications to start working slowly, its started by anxiety reducing in the evening times but in the morning would still feel horrible. After about 8 weeks i went back to work and it was scary but i managed. The main issue for me was fear of fear or fear of being anxious ( like a loop). I kept thinking what if i start getting anxious there or there ect. This anxiety will destroy my life, my job ect. Well after about 3-4 months I was almost back to normal with occasional blips or on and off feeling anxious but it would pass quicker, medication allowed me to deal with anxiety and low mood better it was like an aid. It is definitely not a cure. Don't expect to just take the medication, sit there and things will magically bet getter. Sometimes having anxiety or depression is your mind and body showing you that it had too much begging you to take it easy.

I have to mention that I was having therapy once a week and then once every two weeks for about few months while i was getting used to the medication, i definitely think it helped. I was trying to sort out my health, exercise, eat better quit coffee, and other stimulants such as energy drinks and replaced it with chamomile, peppermint team. Eventually it all was fine and i was able to finish my degree at a university, start a new job, new relationship, go on holidays by myself, i was not even thinking about anxiety, although from time to time i would of course get sad/anxious. I think first time round I took citalopram for about 3 to 4 years.

Eventually I moved countries, got a new job, changed my career and I was fine and was feeling so good I thought its time to wean off the medication slowly. I just really did not want to be dependent on the medication. 7 months of bliss of being off citalopram and boom, I was watching a show that just triggered something and spun me into anxiety again. I knew what was going on and went to the doctors and got prescribed citalopram 20mg again. Going on the medication the second time was even worse than the first time side effects wise, this time round i also had depression. It took 6 months to start living life again, this time round I also has some therapy. I was off work for 3 months. It was horrible. But I managed again although this time was definitely harder and the anxiety never disappeared fully but I was able to manage it well and live a happy life, got engaged, got a dog bought a house. However, I think during this time while doing all this I forgot to look after myself again. When you feel good and anxiety does not peak and show its annoying face you feel like you are a warrior and can do anything.

So now even though I am on medication (20mg Citalopram) I am going trough a blip. It just shows that medication is not a cure and it is only a crutch to help you in recovery, you need to combine it with self care and therapy if you have the possibility to do so, i know it can be expensive. Also having a blip humbled me big time, i realised that i am not as strong as i think i am that i am a human with a difficult past and it is okay to feel anxious, and it is not surprising that I do feel anxious. Now I am not sure what will be the next step for me know, if i should swap the medication or try to increase. It was my biggest fear that the medication would just stop working but it is also quite normal that medication needs to be adjusted and reviewed during treatment just like for any other illness. For now i will try to take it easy and see if this blip passes or what next steps I need to take. All i can say is that anxiety is going to be my very annoying friend forever my task is going to always be to try and keep it under control, give it some candy so it can be distracted 😄 😄 It is very hard But it can be done, it takes a lot of work and determination. Just remember you are not going crazy, you are not loosing control, there is a treatment even though it can be very scary and take a long time. Feel free to share your experiences, I need some encouraging words and reassurance from time to time, we all do.

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