my uk brothers and sisters

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Help, from you to me, at this time. I prefer your country, hands down- people are caring and see the needs of others, unlike my country, USA.

Oh well, they say I'm bipolar, as of two months ago. Kinda makes sense but, why they let me in horrible pain physically and mentally. At present it cost me my 20 year marriage, my business, my friends and now, the worst, my son's respect and lack of any interest in my life, says I have no life, and last week, I wish you just kill yourself. Pretty strong words for a 13 yr old. But, I see where he's coming from- my gut hurts so bad, like so bloated and pressure. Can't sleep, and 24/7 headache. . Up and down, mostly down, in my emotions, cry at will, so angry at the world and our Great God. He can take this from but, just just allows, for reasons He only knows. Suicide, not at time, too much of a coward, but, pray every night,,, not to see the morning sun. When I hear the birds start to sing, with the beautiful sun on the rise- I put my earplugs in and go under blankets. Sleep or just in bed for sometimes, 18 hours... Please help me,,, I know you will. Your friend,,, Chris

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  • Posted

    Chris,

    I feel your pain and desperation and wish I could be by your side to help you through and try to explain to your family what is happening. However I am just words but trust me when I say these word of from someone who has been in the dark and is on the journey out. Right now you need to relax, I know that sounds stupid but any disorder of the mind thrives on disruption, if you relax and accept your illness you can start to break free. There is medication, it works but takes time and does have side effects, I rely as much on meditation, relaxation and positive thinking as I do the medication but I know I need both. I also write, I write my story,my feelings and hope that it brings strength to others and opens the eyes of the unknowing.

    Please find your strength, tell your family that you are ill but no different than a diabetic, tell them to google bipolar disorder and forgive them.

    I offer you the hand of friendship and strength, please keep in touch

    David

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    • Posted

      Thank you my brother. Dave your words touched my soul. .. I told my wife and she said, she just couldn't take the up - downs anymore. We used to travel all over the globe , UK once, and she said I used to make her laugh but, learned to realize, it was - one moment dancing in the streets of Rome to singing in St. Marks Square on a Venice night when the tide was coming up to our knees. Chasing a green cobra in Tialand, hanging over the edge at the Grand Canyon. I look back and , don't blame her. I always took stupid chances. Bought stereo equipment at outrageous cost- $ 28500 on one of my many pairs of JM Labs speakers etc. . I don't know why, I just had to have them, how crazy. I feel this entire mess is my stupidity. I had a good wife, good morals, very generous, on and on. Now, she took all my 11 rental property, put one of our joint business in a hidden corp, that her brother owns- according to the state, she's just an employee. I bought it and did all the work in 18 years on the building. I've turned into a man with $ around $1000 to my name with no retirement in my property or anything. I can't get rid of this tiredness and guilt. If i had some energy I could get on with my business and life but, oh boy, at this time I feel I could attack the world or be the lowest of bugs and the later is in majority..Dave, is physical pain part of this thing? Can you tell me what meds you take, if you don't mind me asking. . Your brother, Chris
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    • Posted

      Chris,

      what is important here is you, not money or possessions but you. You have been shafted and I sympathise with that but you have good memories and you have the strength and courage to rebuild, I destroyed 30 years of my life by letting my illness go unchecked. I've lost lovers, friends and possessions and nearly my life more than once. Recently I nearly lost it all again, family, job and life. I live each day trying to rebuild, trying to stay positive and most of all trying to support others. I no longer hanker for material possessions because I know that they are just things and in time they will mean nothing, I support those close to me and try to live a good life. You my friend are tired and feel guilt but make sure that you know what is the true cause. Often our illness likes to bury itself deep and what we blame on the surface is not the true cause. I know you have strength, you will continue your journey and you will be strong. You will help others and be proud, you are an inspiration in the making. You may not have your speakers again but you may have listeners, life is a precious gift, those with money and possessions often confess that at the end they will die sad that they never had true connection.

      your friend

      David

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    • Posted

      Thank you David, you are a wonderful person and echo my thoughts and my pain. Money, your correct has never really, been the biggy for me. I've had it, lost it, and deep inside my mind and soul , I believe, I'm more intuitive to others when I focus isn't lost in more and more. What I can do, maybe,, to lift one out of their pit. But, I've been involved, by my position, to help many- employees and family, both were and are large. I have 11 brothers and sisters, I've had hundreds of workers. But, I do believe I never put to thought, my needs. I thought I had it all- money, a good wife, a great boy, family and friends. Something went wrong, very wrong- or maybe, it was always wrong but I hid in things and work.. Oh I'm so sorry for my lack of discernment - priorities of the moment and tomorrow's. . My sickness, I always ran from it. ,, thinking- if I run fast enough, I can distant it, maybe it will go away... It never did and because of my lack of understanding, ,,well,, I'm really hurting David..I hear so much chatter in my mind and a ring that won't leave me .. why, why and more why's. . I thought for years this was a me only thing and was so embarrassed.. I hid it in toys and living a life full of false enthusiasm, at times so much enthusiasm, , I thought I could take on the world. Well, I'm now on my lowest ebb in my life and see no hope. I've lost my friend s and , I don't respond back when they come calling - so, now, they are distance from me- I was the one that put the distance between us. When someone comes a calling, I look through the peep hole and don't let them in ..why, why , why? All around me is dark, guilt,, closing in on despair. What and why did something go wrong in my mind and my minds eye ? Davis, I'm so scared of the now and more so, the tomorrow.

      Your brother,

      Chris

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    • Posted

      Chris,

      the sun will rise tomorrow, the wind will blow, rain may fall. Your are letting the past hurt you but the sun rose this morning, the wind blew and rain fell, you are still here.

      i know there is a time difference but try this, a book Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by Shunryū Suzuki buy it on amazon and as I guess you have a tablet read the first chapter, it may not all make sense but once you start reading you will know where I think your next step on your journey should be

      you have my strength

      David

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  • Posted

    Dont give up I'm in the process of Being diagnosed borderline bipolar now getting help after alot of pushing. We dont pay and it takes ages. Your son loves you and is Angry because he doesn't know how to deal with it he just wants you to be Well keep talking on here. We're all here to help you x
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  • Posted

    Hi Chris,

    I'm writing you from Canada, am so sorry to hear your pain it sounds like it's been a real rough go. I am bipolar and only diagnoised 7 years ago, I'm 64 now. I lost most everyone and everything over time - and can relate to wishing I could will myself to die. 

    One thing thing that made a tremendous difference was being prescribed a mood stabilizer, for me it's Lithium, the difference it's made is beyond words. I agree with David that you need to chill and be as caring as possible to yourself. The diagnoisis itself is very difficult to handle, please be gentle on yourself.

    There is lots of time in the future, when you feel stronger to make apologies or ammends. Please don't keep beating yourself up. I hope that you have a good doctor and/or therapist to help you through the worst of this. There is alot of information online, if its not overwhelming to read now.

    Please keep in touch and know that special thoughts and prayers are coming your way.

    Karin

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  • Posted

    I'm bipolar too. I lost job and girl I was suppose to merry, I was about to... 

    When I mentioned psychedelics in my post people reacted really ignorantly, though I'm very greatful of their support, but I'm really dissapointed in terms of not knowing facts about their own desease. Medications given for bipolar are usless and very dangerous and in my severe case I should be taking them for the rest of my life =NO WAY JOSE!!!

    I was in very hard life situation and not being able to obtain any of psychedelics that help my condition for a long time so I went mad and all I could have done is drink alcohol and smoke weed(so I could at least sleep  well).

    My sister came last moment and prevented my suicide a month ago. I guess God sent me psilocyn mushrooms just few days after (I obtained really small dose - hardly). Now I m normal for over 3 weeks. Working out, not smoking cigarets or weed, not drinking alcohol and taking no damn  big company's poisonous meds.

    Ofcourse no suicidal thoughts either.

    If I had "my meds" I'd still be with girl I love and I'd keep the job. I remeber that 1 year I needed 4 doses(1 every 2,5 months only smile ) and that's it - no medication not anything, my bipolar was totally under control, I was rocking!!! The problem is that I should be taking psychedelics in company of psychiatrist in completely controled enviroment. Many world known psychiatrists are trying to get permitions to proceed with using psychedelics in their practise but that's not even close to intrests of great pharmaceutical companies!!!

    I almost can't beleive your story, but no1 ever showed any understanding for my condition, except a friend that moved 1000 miles 10 years ago.

    All I can advise you brother is to start running at least 5 days a week, go to jym too if you wish and stay away from alcohol or hard drugs. If you have any money go visit "Casa de la gringa" in Peru.

    I wish You the very best!

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