my withdrawall symptoms coming off sertraline

Old thread but there are some recent posts.

Like many, I found this article on google search for withdrawl. I'm a 35yr old male, took Zoloft for 2 years @50Mg a day.  Recently felt like Zoloft was no longer diluting or even distracting me from my anxiety which was why I was originally prescribed it. I weened for a month and pushed away from the shore on a journey I had no idea would be so harsh or last as long. I'm a documentation person so bear with the formating below. (Bonus, it should be fairly easy to read)

[Week 1: 12 rounds of boxing with yourself. Gonna be a long week]

-Brain zaps: Strong, intense. When I get up, or move my eyes a lot I feel them very strongly. It feels as though it shifts my eye's focus when it happens. Very dizzy. No mercy. Feel them constantly over the entirety of the first week off Zoloft. They got worse before they got better.

-Whoosh's: I had them in combination with the zaps. It's like a sudden whoosh feeling that feels nearly audible. These lasted longer than the zaps for me and became far harder to manage. These made me very dizzy, light headed and clumsy. More so than the zaps. Nearly debilitating at times when they happened frequently in a short amount of time.

-Emotional instability: I didn't have a lot of this during week one as much as further along, but it was at it's most intense during that time. Like, one evening I was sitting on the couch on my phone and reading an article and out of nothing I start crying..like my eyes cried and my body cried. My mind did not. I was not sad. I was not triggered. I was inexplicably just crying. The majority of my personal issues with emotions has been in the form of anger. Irritability and anger. In an instant I go from all good to fury fire and rage over nothing. It happens so fast I react before I have time to register the change. This is by far the worst part for me emotionally. Hard to tell the wife it isn't her fault After I've said something crappy.

-Depersonalization: This shitt is scary. It's like an out of body experience while still in your body. I only dealt with this off and on for day 3 and 4 of week one. It is a hellofa experience. When I spoke I felt as though someone else was talking, like..my body and mind were separated. I thoughtlessly scratched a itchy leg one night only to look down and think, who's been scratching my leg? When I walked I felt like a passenger. Not a total loss of identity but a nearly complete sense of separation between my identity and my mind/body. Scary. A good trip if you like that kind of thing. 

-Hallucination: I see lights, and I see shadows in fleeting moments that are there are gone faster than I can react to look. I think I see shadowed human figures at times, I double take..it's not. The shadows and/or paranoia subsided in the first week. The lights have not yet, but are greatly reduced.

-Physical effects: Bowel issues, harsh headaches, stiff muscles, abdominal cramping, very stiff neck. Headaches have physical pain points on both my temples. Does not respond to massage as would a tension headache. Have more headaches in general now than ever before. Dizzyness, nausea, loss of appetite. At times, felt physically ill. Had a fever a couple occasions around 100F. No diagnosis to reveal the cause when I visit an urgent care clinic.

[Week 2: The fun begins]

-Even with all that was happening in week one my mood was pretty awesome. I was even hyper active type happy a couple of times. That is still true in week 2. My mood is decent considering..and I'm getting used to functioning with constant whooshes and zaps. 

-Week 2 side effects are less intense but mirror that of week one with a couple exceptions. The depersonalization stopped. The rest..still here.

-Zaps and whooshes get worse not better. 

-Heart palpitations begin around this point. Still experiencing them now.

-Anxiety is actually in-check pretty well considering.

[Week 3: Change]

-Week 3 seemed like, better. Brain zaps have all but gone completely away. Whooshes are still here but much more faint, much less intense.

-Mood is rough now. More transient than wk1&2. 

-Hallucination, depersonalization have both dropped out in week 2.

-Depression is fine without trigger. But half a reason and I feel almost physically when I begin to fall into the hole. My everything wants to fall into it too. I have weird thoughts of ending my life but in a general sense not any specificity like with a pill or a knife or a bridge...Just for it to end.  I don't want to die, but somehow I don't want to live. It feels suddenly as though I'll never be happy again. All my hobbies are worthless, my life is somewhat meaningless and tomorrow I have to get up and do all this meaningless s**t at work again that is going to push me even farther down the rabbit hole. All I want to do is lay down and go to sleep. Right there wherever it is that these feelings overwhelm me. Just shut down and stop being conscious. It hurts so much to feel so empty with the exception of a burning sadness welling up to replace everything that should be there. My way out is to try reallllllly hard to remain objective. Realize it is a feeling not a reality that I'm living, and put the entire thing in it's own box as though it isn't part of me but instead something I'm responsible for making sure gets dealt with and disposed of properly. It isn't me that is this, or feels this as much as it is a feeling I have that is inflamed. And then I find control. It's something I'm working through and is ok to be affraid of. Ok to process it, to be objective about it. It's ok to feel it even. But I have to remember this is not who I am. This feeling is not my identity. It's just a MF'r of a feeling to get past like a wave is to a tiny little boat in a big ocean. This too shall pass. 

-By week3, you can see where things have lead for me in these above passages. I'm living out week three right now and I'm scared, I'm exhausted, I'm angry, but I'm not..I'm NOT going back on an SSRI. Ever. Most of the overt and obvious side effects are passing me by now. The way I feel is almost worse. You feel 'normal' and then one snippy co-worker comment, your child screaming his fricken little head off throwing a fit, getting angry in traffic..stress in general. I don't deal well, I am not yet in control. Stress is much much harder to mitigate. And controlling the extremes of my emotions. If I laugh genuinely, (and honestly I do laugh more often) I have to be careful..I might, as a grown adult man, start crying in front of my boss or co-workers or in a fricken meeting... the feelings aren't easily separated. And like trying to toss and catch as an infant, my arms are strong enough but just don't know what to do fast enough..the lack of emotional articulation is a real struggle.

[Summary:]

-You're reading this because it's too late to have never taken the drug. It has, no matter how long you've taken it, rewired you a bit. Coming off of it, don't expect your brain to remember where everything goes again, or how to produce happiness for you without mixing in some weepiness.. This is going to take time. And a lot, a lot of effort and the support of people close to you. And you need them. Nobody on your friends list is going to put up with this goddamn rollercoaster ride you've subscribed yourself to living for the foreseeable future. Love your loved ones and make your best effort to maintain your composure. We will beat this. Just takes time. Hope this helps someone else like me.