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need advice please

Posted , 6 users are following.

shola
shola

hey everyone, i have depression and GAD due to being sexually abused by my brother when i was a child, i have so much anger and dont know how to cope with it, i seem to take it out on my girlfriend who ive been with nearly 2 year, we argue about everything, we just cant seem to get along, i understand most of the arguments are my fault because i get so frustrated and cant vent my anger any other way than rasing my voice, i've never had any help for my mental health until now, im in the process of getting CBT, i'm just looking for advice on how to vent my frustration without getting angry and shouting, we have 5 children and that adds extra stress aswell, unless i find another option we're gonna have to seperate, i love my girlfriend with all my heart but she just cant cope with me (she suffres from mental health too) tbh i dont blame her, if anybody has any advice please let me know, thank you.

0 likes, 10 replies

10 Replies

  • pacehuman
    pacehuman shola

    Posted

    Mate

    I can understand you are in allot of stress because of your past, but for sure you cannot take out on your gf or any other person.

    My suggestion is to you is whenever you feel you would going to burst, just go for a walk and try to think of something dofferent which you like doung it.

    Read the below as mych as you can and you feel the difference:

    La ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni kunto min azzaalemeen

  • sue34151
    sue34151 shola

    Posted

    Hi shola I know the last thing on your mind is exercise but that is a brilliant way of getting that anger out if your system I used to run because when your running you can't think of anything but where your going it might look like a cop out to your partner but when you return you are calmer. The things that happened in your childhood need to be out in the open because the more you try to suppress it the worse you feel, my daughter in law was abused by her grandfather for many years and she still thinks it was her fault for allowing it to happen but who can you trust if not a close family member she was one of three sisters and it only happened to her, she's now 28 but has tried to take her life twice but thankfully never succeeded she still has her demons and refuses to see anyone about it my son struggles with her she tries to push him away and asks him why he's with her as she's rubbish and shouldn't be here. Through her teenage years she rebelled drinking and taking drugs getting completely out of control that's when it all came out and it split the family up with various people taking sides, her relationship with her sisters broke up because they didn't believe her at first for the past ten years she has struggled and is still in turmoil

    because she feels unworthy of anything good happening to her even though we all tell her she us a lovely person. Have you been completely honest with your doctor because you may need some medication to help you through this until you get some counselling and if you are already on medication it may need to be changed it sounds like you have a lovely partner but she can only take so much and as there are children in the family she will have to consider them and the effect it's having on them

    try to think of life without the family before the anger starts and leave the room I wish you luck on your journey take care

    sue

  • robin77577
    robin77577 shola

    Posted

    Hello Shola,

    How terrible that your brother did this to you. Was he much older? If so, I hope he was prosecuted and that your parents supported you. If you were both children...I may be wrong, but I think often children will experiment. But if this has caused you depression and GAD, there must have been coersion/manipulation/force... because it has had a serious impact on you.

    You do need to resolve this with your mental health worker. Good that you are finally getting into therapy. Better late than never. Too bad this wasn't handled years ago... 

    You are an adult and the father of 5 vulnerable children who look to you as their role model. It is up to you to break the cycle. You were abused...but you cannot pass this heritage down to your children who see you abuse (verbally) your wife..and in doing so abuse them. If you are angry, I'm sure you even take it out on them. Living in a house of unhappiness and anger and rage changes WHO they are. The impact you have on them for better or for worse will make them into loving and caring teens and adults or abusers. Stop the cycle in order to save your own children. Every situation needs a hero. Are you man enough to take on that role?

    Get help and ask for strategies to help you channel your anger and rage in an acceptable way. Good luck!

    • shola
      shola robin77577

      Posted

      Hey I should of proberly mentioned that im 23 and a girl.... my girlfriend is a lovely person and has supported me since I went to the police last summer, she just cant get to grips with my gad or depression, she has mental health problems too and has her bad days, I was 5 when the abuse started and 11 when it stopped my brother is 8 year older than me, thank you for your advice, I think my frustration and anger is more because people dont understand whats going on in my head and im scares to tell them incase they think im crazy .
    • pacehuman
      pacehuman shola

      Posted

      Shola

      No one think you are crazy, your brother should get life impresement for what he did to you. If you are a girl and you have a girlfriend, how come you guys have kuds?

    • robin77577
      robin77577 shola

      Posted

      Hello Shola,

      Oh dear. Your brother was 8 years older than you. I hope he is in jail! Imagine abusing such a young child as yourself. Your parents were totally unaware of this? You don't need to answer. I just am gobsmacked that this could go on for 6 years with no one noticing. All hell must have broken loose when it was revealed... You must have terrible confict going on within you over this. I am very sorry for you and the little, vulnerable and helpless girl that you were...

       Of course you need help desperately and that will give your children a healthy mum...but you need to put their needs ahead of your own. That is parenthood... Even if you are feeling low or feel anger mounting within you, leave the house, drink a glass of cold water, go out for a bike ride, get a punching bag and hang it up in the basement... but don't turn your/their home into a place of anger, hostility and fear. You will be creating 5 little people who will grow up to create chaos in the lives of their mates and children.

      Your innocent need and I am sure you would agree...deserve whole, present and caring parents. Maybe you should leave and live with your parents (?) until you get therapy and learn how to manage your pain and anger issues. There are anger management groups you could join. This could be the chance you all have at becoming a happy family.

      Good luck, Shola.

  • inder_jeet
    inder_jeet shola

    Posted

    our life is like dark nights and blossemed day. after every night the light of day comes. Forgive the incident which was happened with you. As many time we see the bad dreems and after some time we forgive them. As same you  have seen a bad dreem, now forgive him ,Life is a gift of God .Enjoy it. This life is not your own only. Many lifes are attached with you.Live Life and Thanks God who give us many precious gifts.Life is a journy, dont stop and never see behind.
  • Callamatie
    Callamatie shola

    Posted

    Hi Shola,

    i understand the anger, when you have been abused and hurt in the past and haven't dealt with it, the pain and feelings continue on.

    I too was abused, and after many years i have found some closure to it, i confronted my abuser, i told them exactly how they made me feel, i also told my family who were unaware of what happened. Sounds really scary, but i felt relief as soon as i unleashed how i felt. After that, i learnt to forgive my abuser, it dosen't have to mean having a relationship with that person, but have some understanding and pity for them i guess. It is important to forgive and to move on, and not allow that person to destroy your life.

    If your unable to confront your abuser, then i would suggest counselling, and the CBT will hopefully help.

    It sounds like you have some good things in your life, with your partner and your children. Deal with your past, so you can enjoy your future. Good luck! x

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