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Need advice to help boyfriend going awol with depression

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sally8703
sally8703

My 52 year old fella has been suffering with depression on and off for about 6 years since he split from his wife.  He's having periods of not coping with being in a relationship.  He's lovely most of the time but every month or so he disappears, blocks my phone and doesnt call me for a few days.  He says he can't cope with the pressure of spending time with me and needs more time to himself.  Sounds like a classic dumping line, eh?  Well he comes back a few days later very sorry and as loving as ever. I've tried to plan to give him extra time to himself but he won't take it.  

I want to help him.  I want to be what he needs but I am frustrated and sad that he needs time away from me when I just want to look after him.  I'm trying so hard to understand and I back off when he needs.  But in those few days he's away, I'm in bits wondering if this is the time he doesn't come back.  

I tried suggesting that he should go back to his doctor but he doesnt accept there is anything different.  Reading it back I can see you will all think the same.  But he is very different when he goes into that zone and I'm really worried about him.  

Anyone recognise anything here or have any ideas please.  

0 likes, 7 replies

7 Replies

  • jan34534
    jan34534 sally8703

    Posted

     try to keep in mind that whatever he is going through that it's not about you it's all about him and how he's Struggling with depression..

    Depression makes you feel like you're in a dark hole  and can't climb out. It's difficult to maintain a relationship when a person can't even help themselves.  So when he is feeling overwhelmed, that's when he goes away from the relationship. It's just too much.  It's nobody's fault.

     if there's anyway you can encourage him to visit a therapist who specializes in depression, that would be very beneficial to him.  Sometimes when people have depression they try to "fix "it" themselves.  It never works. 

     he may need medication but that's up to the doctor. 

     don't try to force the relationship at this time because it's most likely too much  for him right now  and he may pull further away . Give him his space but encourage  the doctor visit.

     

    • sally8703
      sally8703 jan34534

      Posted

      Thanks for your reply.  I've also had depression so understand a bit, except when I am struggling, I want to be around people and feel supported.  I hear everything you're saying.  He's away again at the moment.  Blocked my phone and blocked me on facebook too.  :-(  I blame myself for not seeing the signs.  He was with me the whole weekend and I think it was just too much for him.  I think I really need to try to back off and keep the visits shorter but that doesnt solve anything in the long term.  I will try to suggest the doctor again.  He seems to take it like an insult and says "I just need time to recharge".   Thanks for your advice.  Just keeping my fingers crossed he comes back again...  :-(

  • marleen85993
    marleen85993 sally8703

    Posted

    Hi sorry for what you are going through.I would like to know if you have discussed with your partner how he is making you feel.Try to tell him how worried you are about him.Now l know you love him and he is depressed but your mental health is important too and the stress must be awful.At some point he has to take responsibility and seek proper help.
    • sally8703
      sally8703 marleen85993

      Posted

      I try not to put any extra pressure on him.  He knows I worry.

      He has had help before so he knows what's involved.  He's just convinced himself that he deal with it himself this time.  He's an old-fashioned, stiff upper lip sort of guy. 

    • marleen85993
      marleen85993 sally8703

      Posted

      It's hard when you want to help and support him l know how it feels to watch someone you love suffering and not be able to help.It is soul destroying.l hope you look after yourself and hopefully he will get help soon.

  • SeeksSolace
    SeeksSolace sally8703

    Posted

    He is very lucky to have you! A person who wants to help him, you are very compassionate.

    It definitely is not about 'You', his needing to go off. Maybe he is actually aware of the fact that he might hurt you emotionally and goes away to spare you the hurt and stress(?)

    If he would go to the GP, that would make the world of difference. Tell him you're happy to go with him, as moral support. See how he reacts.

    Good luck! 🤗

    • sally8703
      sally8703 SeeksSolace

      Posted

      I love him.  Of course I want to help.  He's lovely when he's ok.

      He does say that he's worried about what he might say to me when he shuts down. 

      He's a man.  He would hate me holding his hand at the doctors.

      Just waiting for him to make contact again so I can suggest he goes back.   

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