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So now and then I like to post on this forum for some help. Lately I am suffering more and more from depression and my anxiety is a bit lower.
Some things which I suffer from right now;
- High stress
- Negative thoughts
- High fatigue
- High anxiety outdoors
- Social anxiety, although it is getting a lot better with that lately
- Feeling of fading away. Got this on daily base and it is once the things which bothers me the most
- Can't handle too much incentives
- Afraid of losing control of myself, phisically and behavior. This is a thing which I deal with on daily base and bothers me a lot.
- Can't drink alcohol m, because it will instantly makes me alert, more anxious and more afraid of losing control
When my parents divorced when I was 4 years old, my mother met a guy which mentally and physically abused me, my brother, sister and my mother herself for 10 years. Everyone has his own way to deal with it after this was over. My brother, sister and mother are 'more' cold then I am and can go on with life easier. For me this is a lot harder and I took some wrong mistakes in my life after this period. My family do support me, except my father which doesn't understand what I have and doesn't want to understand what I have.
After those 10 difficult years I was become a introvert and anxious person. I I wasn't very comfortable with this. I knew deep inside me that this wasn't the person which I wanted to be, but I couldn't help myself to change. I was too naive to search for proffesional help. When I was around 16 I started to smoke weed on daily base. Something which doesn't really fit me as a person, but I took it like a sort of camouflage. It made me stand more away from the outside world, so thats why I did it. My first major panic attacks started after doing marijuana. I think those first ones where some sort of wake up calls from my own self. I didn't listin and kept on going with my bad habits, till I completely collapsed. I lost my school, job and my friends. I created a anxiety disorder when I was 17 years old.
I'm now 2 years further and things are still feeling bad. I did managed to make some things more easier to do, but it is by far not how I want to live. In my peak I couldn't even managed to visit a local supermarket. Luckily those things are more easy to do now, but I'm still very alert when I am out of the house. I am now busy to find a job with help of the township to build rhythm. My passion lays with music and drawing, but I wonder a lot if I'll be good enough. I doesn't garantee a income monthly to pay your food and bills. I am living still with my mom now, but I want to leave the house as soon if I'm ready for it. I am seeing a psychologist every week for 2 years now and I take medicine, but so far it didn't helped a lot. It did helped me a bit with EMDR therapy to cure some things from the past.
What I have said before, some things I can do easier, but the way I feel hasn't changed. I think a lot, really a lot. I feel like I'm trapped with my self, but I can't figure out to get passed this. I want to be happy and normal, but I can't see how I could achieve that. I think a lot of the future and I now that's not good to do in my situation, but I can't help that. I have lost like all my friends, which bothers me a lot. It isn't that this only lies with me. Some friends I don't see anymore, because I don't feel comfortable anymore with them and they are smoking marijuana all day long and I can't stand that. I've been changed since those years of my anxiety disorder and been thinking a lot of who I want to be. Well.. Like these guys I don't want to be, but seeing almost nobody besides your family makes you miserable as well. I banned myself of thinking positively about getting a girlfriend. For the matter of fact, I estimate the chance quit high that I will never find somebody. I do not think myself good enough for someone to share her life with. I feel like I am not able anymore to connect with someone on that area, because the way how I think about stuff is different. This makes me really sad, so I try not to think about it too much.
Well.. I guess I will end it here, because otherwise I could be better releasing a entire book. I would really, really, really apreciate to hear from you people who read this forum and could share tips of advice.
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