Need help with Mum!

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Our Mum has always been a drinker, but we didn't realise the full extent of the problem until the break down of her second marriage. When she has a drink she changes; becoming short-tempered, argumentative and distant - which caused the divorce, as she refused to quit drinking/change. Now her third marriage is ending for the same reason and we're worried how she'll cope! We have already started to notice changes; such as finding her crying on the floor and her not eating for days (which is making her weak/pass out). She drinks every night and has been known to injure herself from drunken falls - but she thinks it's everyone else with the problem. When you try to talk to her about it, it only makes things worse - as she feels like everyone is attacking her! We have no idea how to deal with things, as we don't want to confront her and push her away... it will only make her worse and then who knows what could happen! If anyone has any advice at all we'd really appreciate it? Many thanks in advance!

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13 Replies

  • Posted

    Deffensive & denial. Most responses from drinking. Ther fear of no alcohol is overwhelming.

    please see a professional maybe she can agree to counseling ...the more she's nagged the more she could resist.  

    So sorry u have to watch UR mum. She is very sick and needs help. It's one day at a time .she desperately need intervention. She is past the talking pleading .

    call a alcohol related addiction center ask them what u need to do to have a rep. Come to UR home and speak with her and with the whole family involved everyone must tell UR mom no one will help her anymore she is on her own. She counts on the family to help her and then complains when u do..

     

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  • Posted

    hi  a lot of what you say reminds me of myself, i thought the world was getting at me,the anger could be her angry at herself, could you not video her and show it to her when she is in a fairly good mood, it might shock her or it could make matters worse, that would be for you to decide, but to be honest i dont think there is much you can do until your mum realises herself,  how it is afecting the family and that it is killing her, i wish all the family the very best of luck    
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  • Posted

    Thank you both for your kind words and advice!
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    • Posted

      Im going through the same with my mum cab u text me ad my Internet is going to run out 07706508710 my name is hannah hopefully we can help each other
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  • Posted

    hi i hope you all are doing ok, i hope you are coping with the situation please dont beat yourself up about it, try and do what hope4 has sugested, but remember you cant help anyone who does not want to help themselves,

    good luck in the future

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  • Posted

    Hi,

    any news on UR mum? We r people who have lived with or had parents or children or ourselves had the unfortunate experience of alcoholism in our lives. 

    Please see other discussions I have started on alcoholism. There's so much more than we ever imagined. It really takes professionals to help. 

    TC&GB

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  • Posted

    Hello Concerned_Kids.

    It is very difficult to convince a person that they need help with their drinking before they recognise the problem, themselves. She may realise that there is a problem, but doesn't want to lose the one thing which allows her to 'forget' her problems for a while. Many people use alcohol to numb the  pain of emotional issues.

    While you can't force her into getting help, you do need to keep letting her know that you are worried for her and wish she would deal with this excessive drinking. She DOES know she has a problem, she is just not prepared to admit it to anybody else at the moment.

    Most importantly, although i know this is difficult, she needs you to be there for her until she finally recognises that she needs to do something to sort out her life. You can try persuading her. One way to convince her that she has a problem is to challenge her to go without a drink for ONE night to prove to you that she is fine. It is very likely that she will begin to get shaky (at which point you MUST let her have a drink as alcohol withdrawal can be very dangerous without medical assistance). At least, at that point, you may have convinced her of the problem and she will know that you know, too. It gives you a starting point.

    The other things you can do is talk about the effect of alcohol on the body. Heavy alcohol consumption over a long period of time WILL kill. It is not like smoking where you 'increase the risk' of certain health problems, alcohol is not such a lottery, it is CERTAIN to kill you early.

    Try to be supportive in your approach rather than confrontational and I wish you good luck. I have worked with many people with alcohol problems over many years and the point you are at with your mother is a very difficult stage, attempting to get the person to recognise that there is a problem when they don't want to.

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  • Posted

    Just a heartfelt response...

    Concerned .. I am concerned for you..UR family and UR mum. To get to her understand her reason for drinking will hopefully help her understand she needs to work on herself to stop the drink.

    When anyone anywhere reaches out for help I want the hand of AA to always be there and take responsibility to offer all the solutions available. If UR mum wants to drink that is her business if she wants to stop that is for Alcoholics  -Anonymous .

    Find a member that will work with your mum the phone number is at the very front of the phone book.

    Of course AA is just one alternative there r many others. She needs to talk to her dr and admit she has a drinking problem and then and only then can she begin to heal..

    It's so hard to watch a family member live in the madness and it takes a toll on the whole family. Hope to hear from u soon.  UR mum can gain the freedom from the obstacles that held her captive for most of her life. Learn to make peace with herself & family and she can leave behind the problems that had previously shackled her &  in turn her family . 

    PEACE & SERENITY

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  • Posted

    Brilliantly articulated was your post ifyou dont mind me saying.  When I am drinking I am totally selfish and I am sure your mum is the same if you dont mind me saying - she wont understand the state she is in and wont see what you see though your both seeing the samething. Its brilliant that you are trying to support her.  There is some really good advice on this thread
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  • Posted

    I agree with hope4cure, she needs intervention. Be there for your mom probably she doesn't realized it yet, or she is in the denial stage. Be patient with her, also try to attend Al-anon meetings so that you will get support as well.
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  • Posted

    Hi all,

    Sorry for the delay in our reply - it's difficult finding time alone at home to log in privately.

    Everything is just so 'up in the air' at the moment between our Mum and her husband! One minute they're together, the next they're not (her drinking being the issue every time)... it just doesn't feel the right time to approach the problem with her. But her drinking definitely can't go on (for her sake and ours)... so as soon as things have settled with her marriage either way, we will tackle the issue head on. 

    We can't call an AA Rep or Doctor, as this would make things 10 times worse (she would feel like we've betrayed her/gone behind her back). To get her the professional help we know she needs, we need to make her realise she has a problem and let her make that decision for herself. We just don't know how?!

    We think that challenging her to go one day without alcohol is a great idea... but her second husband tried this and she just bought small bottles of wine and hid them in her handbag (not that she realises we saw this). How do we stop her from doing this? Surely this alone should make somebody realise they have issues! 

    Once again we thank you all for your support. We are completely overwhelmed by your kindness and it really helps knowing there are others out there who have been through similar situations and come out the other end smiling! 

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    • Posted

      Betray her alcoholic mind.. It's not UR mum UR betraying it's her drinking. Don't enable her as her husband . He needs to step up to the plate. This is not going to go away. The longer the wait and see, the worse she gets....

      U must understand she is not thinking a for what is best for her. U are.. Once the mind is free of the influence of alcohol she will thank u for giving her life Back...if not u then her partner must take action. Or enabling will haunt UR desicion. 

      It's not easy it's heartbreaking. All the good things in life are worth fighting for! biggrin

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    • Posted

      Regarding her cheating when going a day without a drink, she needs to know that you know she has cheated. If she is trying to convince you that she can go a day without alcohol, she needs to agree to allow you to watch her closely and check that she is not hiding bottles. Let her know that if she won't allow you to observe her compliance, that is the same as admitting she can't do it.

      At the end of the day, she has to accept that there is a problem and to want to do something to fix that problem. There is no way that you can force her to do anything against her will. However, it seems to me that she is taking advantage of the fact that she knows that you are tiptoeing around her and using this as her way of carrying on drinking. You may have to get a little tougher. You can't force her to deal with it but you can make it clear that you are not willing to stand by and let her kill herself while you watch.

      Sometimes, a person with an alcohol problem needs to know there are consequences to their drinking. Currently, she is successfully manipulating everything and getting away with it, you might need to get a little tougher with her, not easy of course, but maybe necessary.

      It may also be useful to have another person, who isn't as close emotionally to her, to confront her.

      Good luck!!!

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