Need to talk something out

Hi crazycat. Just replying to let you know I hear you. I understand and I can relate. Hope things get better for you and you get the help you need. I see a new psychiatrist in two weeks so I'm hoping for me too.🤞

so have peace of mind. do have a shower. even to have good thoughts (to begin with) is enough to classify  you on way to improvement. Inner world is as important as outer world. gurard it againt enemy of hopelessness. it is always with you. keep it beautiful please. i too have to struggle but then ....

i do have passed through such phases.and keep going through intermittently.  even if it takes a while, never loose patience. 

do you like music. enjoy it. dont over think. overthinking negatively too depletes  our brain of good harmones. 

everynight surrender everything to God and sleep in perfect relaxation. give your life to God. dont hold yourself accountable for everything.  just do littlebit (or more) you can do. remain connected to calmness. overthinking is other word for anxiety. take a break from over thinking. distract yourself. 

That's a tough one.  All the usual challenges of love lost, add in your history, add in any guilt you may have (that you shouldn't have) in it ending over a sickness.  I'm sorry for secretly thinking for a split second it might be better if he hit you. Maybe only a couple of times, so you could more easily separate feeling compassion for his sickness from realizing things an alcoholic does are still wrong and accountable, sickness or not.  But it was only for a split second, I apologize.

Hi Crazycat, it's all too easy to fall back on anxiety abd depressive behaviours when you feel this way, the lack of motivation is one of the difficult challenges I face, just don't want yo do anything.

Youve taken a positive step by re connecting with services so make sure you follow this through, in the meantime set yourself one thing to do everyday even if it's to put the pots away or get up at a particular time, just some very simple things.

Taking part in the world is down to as little or as much as you want and feel comfortable with, what your after is peace with yourself.

Neil 

Hi Crazycat - I can relate well with what you are saying. In childhood, I was constantly expected to DO things - we weren't allowed to just sit and think. If so, a chore would be allocated, and if not done perfectly it would have to be done again, and again, and again until it met unrealistic and ridiculous standards. As a result, i spent my life rushing from one thing to another, feeling guilty if I just sat and thought. Employers loved me - i was fast, efficient, and completed everything to a high standard. At age 45 i addressed the depression I had always had - a day I always knew would come and that i delayed with endless distractions and self medication. Unfortunately - and I'm sure there are others here that can relate to this - the journey of seeking treatment was confronting, exasperating, and damaging. Suddenly this person who had spent his life serving others - (I was a nurse, and also worked in 5 star hospitality), creating all sorts of things (writing, theatre, arts and crafts), who cared about those around him and who stuck his neck out for the good of others (help enact federal laws protecting the elderly in nursing homes, exposed abuses in religious mens shelters) - was suddenly potentially dangerous, a liar, untrustworthy, liable-to-explode-at-any-moment, and 'troublesome.' Another major event caused by the criminal neglect of various govt departments nearly finished me as I was threatened for exposing it, police harrassing me to shut up and promising arrest, sectioned against my will in psychiatric wards without consulting my treating doctor - not even trying to consult him - and the list goes on and on. In the end I won, but there was no justice. The whole harrowing experience nearly cost my life. Suddenly I no longer cared about anything, no longer tried, just sat and battled the resultant trauma, the unfairness of it all, and the ingrained guilt that I was just sitting and doing nothing.

Seven years later and I still do as little as possible. The thought of starting anything new exhausts me. The line in the second paragraph of your post "I am also just existing, not being inclusive in a world I have never felt a total part of, there is a real sense of okayness with that for me...pang(s) of wanting to take part," is exactly something I would have written. I am beginning to accept that it's okay to do absolutely nothing, that life is not some endless rush going nowhere, somewhere, anywhere but here. Also, the fact I was always popular and surrounded by people and now have virtually no-one isn't the great bother that it used to be. To be honest, I like it. I don't know if I have the patience with others now that I used to have. So, you Crazycat, don't dwell on the world rushing around outside striving to attain this and achieve that, endlessly chasing the Next Big Thing, the latest consumer product in a chain that never ends. Just wallow in the peace you have found. It will change when it's ready to.

In conclusion I would like to quote a line from the fabulous series Boardwalk Empire, spoken by the character Arnold Rothstein: "Man's problems stem from the inability to just sit quietly in a room."

Hi I think it's wonderful you have taken the first step so well done.  it must have taken a great deal of courage.  Don't forget with depression sometimes it's 1 step forward and 2 steps back.  But I think you are on the move now so ok lick your wounds and recover then do it all again.  The more you do it the easier it will be. 

Change for you is on the horizon and you will get there someday. Now take a shower in the morning and put some clean clothes on and carry.  That's an instruction by the way - not a suggestion   xx