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rain40852 rain40852

Never felt this bad before

Ive never posted on any site like this before and no one will probably even see it but if feel I need to vent how I'm feeling in some way as my long term girlfriend and my mother don't understand and apart from my daughter they are pretty much the only people I have. I've always been anxious and felt out of place with the world but after leaving my job of 13 years in a shop 2 years ago to start a new job that didn't got to well and being out of work since has led me on a path I'm scared of . I have had jobs since but I leave almost as soon as I've started as I feel already like I've been their before and feel I will be trapped like I was for 13 years in a shop the jobs feel dead ended and depressing . I've never known what I wanted to do with my life I left school with basically nothing and last year was all enrolled for uni as I thought I needed to be doing something but once again on enrolment day I backed out as the course I was doing I realised I wasn't going to be passionate about and didn't want to get into debt just to leave the course . Having not many gsces you see their are only certain courses the uni will except me on and all of them are not something that really interests me the courses that would interest me I can't get on without having 5 or more gsces and at 32 years old I can't imaging going back to college and waste years trying to get some to then apply to university and spend years at uni I'd end up being like 40 and no guarantees I would complete the course anyway or find a job. So I've become more depressed and sad I feel a failure and worthless like everyone would be better without me here . I feel sick constantly and have been drinking wine nearly every day for nearly 2 years . I deleted my Facebook account as the world nowadays annoys me everyone with their happy lives posting things that they are doing annoys me I guess I'm just jealous that I have pretty much no friends and now feel socially awkward . I can easily talk to people and am not bad looking but have never really had a proper group of friends just work people and obviously now I don't work I lost contact with those people after leaving facebook , not that anyone really cared about me on there anyway . I feel guilty buying the wine and know I'm the morning the depressions and sick feeling will be ten times worse and the guilt I feel for my daughter and girlfriend is awful . Not that they really know how bad I am . My daughter has everything she wants and is always happy my girlfriend knows I'm drinking too much and tell me to stop but it's not like I get drunk and am sick all the time I can drink and still function barley the next day but feel terrible , also I hate the state of the world and all the people in it doing bad things I have started to feel really scared to go outside even doing the weekly shop terrifies me although you wouldn't be able to tell as I put on this front were I think people may think I'm just and angry person . I get weird looks a lot and feel like people can see right through me . I don't want to commit suicide but sometimes the thoughts of not being here are so strong as I just want these feelings to go away and I see. I hope for my future at all . It's a pointless excistence . I've tried anxiety tablets in the past for months and they don't work as like I've said I've always felt anxious but not as bad as the last 2 years . I did counselling once that was just utter garbage . I have no money no job and no hope for my future and it makes me feel sick just writing this I feel it hard to fall asleep although when I do I'm at my happiest not feeling these feelings until the morning when I become conscious that feeling of dread is so bad I can't take it anymore I'm filled instantly with fear the moment I wake up and just wish I was asleep. Anyway sorry for the spelling mistakes I'm sure to have made . But if anyone out there in this lonely world does happen to read this and want to talk feel free to write back. And to all struggling out there with similar feelings I wish you can overcome the darkness as much as I wish I could

6 Replies

  • hilary24059 hilary24059 rain40852

    Hi there your not alone out there, I've been struggling with anxiety and depression now for three years I have serious debt problems. Which leads to more anxiety I feel so lonely I. Don't talk to people even tho I have family I'm stuck in a dead end job which I hate but feel I have to do it otherwise my problems and symptoms get worse I worry what people think about me and I find it great effort to even wash up never mind go to work I have trouble breathing and get headaches I feel there is no one I can turn too as I don't want to worry my family. I like you am only happy when I'm in my bed and the world is shut trying to be tough and turn my life round but I'm struggling and like you medication and councelling hasn't helped. Take care I'm here if you want to talk.

    • rain40852 rain40852 hilary24059

      Hi Hilary much of what you say is how I feel , like today for instance I woke up with that awful feeling of it's another awful day , got my daughter to school had some breakfast and then straight back to bed for a while to feel safe until I have to venture out again . I'm to not wanting to really talk to anyone around me preferring to shut myself away which comes across I thing as arrogant but it's not that I'd just prefer to be invisible to people and not have them deal with my moods . So I keep out the way . I find it a struggle now to even talk in general about day to day things as it just seems pointless and fake to me . I know what you mean about the job I worked in the same job from school for 13 years and hated it as it was breaking my soul feeling stuck although it was a job and obviously I was doing something with my time other than nothing .

      I naively got a job working for the funeral service as I am quite empathetic and wanted to feel I was doing something more however after starting the job I realised quickly I could not handle physically touching the deaceased and left straight away . That was nearly 2 years ago and since then I have been lost in a fog just getting worse day to day . I have no real friends which is pretty sad but it's not because I'm a awkward person when I do venture out I can engage and put on that front but never make lasting friendships where I have someone I can talk to about stuff like this . This is the real me talking .

      In real life it feels no one out there would want to help me with the way I'm feeling because most people seem happy and have their own problems to deal with I mean who wants to take on someone's depression as it will only make them feel exhausted .

      I hope maybe we can talk again I am from the uk and availble to talk at the miniute most times .

      I hope you have an ok day today knowing that someone feels some of the same feeling you do .

    • hilary24059 hilary24059 rain40852

      Thanks for talking to me its so nice that someone understands I'm still in bed at the minute not feeling great but going to try and have a bath my breathing and anxiety are bad wondering what the day will bring I dread mornings everything seems so bad at the start of the day and they gave me the day off work today because I wasn't making my targets they font understand that makes me worse cos I loose a days pay. I think they just want rid of me now as they see me as a burden.

    • rain40852 rain40852 hilary24059

      It's ok nice to have someone to talk to I'm also still in bed clothes but must try get ready as have some things to try and do .

      It sounds like you have a pressured job before my disaster job working for co operative funerals I did 6 months work in a call centre just for the experience to put on my cv as I knew I had the funeral job to go to and only had 13 years of retail experience on my cv so I thought it would look good to add that on there but them six months were very pressured as I felt any moment I could be sacked for saying the wrong thing on the phone and not performing well also I was working 12-13 hour days . And had a long cumute to work and had to pay for parking and bridge tolls at the end of the day it wasn't worth the pay for going . Killing myself for 12 hour days for the money I was left with didn't seem worth it even though it was money . What job do you do and how old are you if you don't mind me asking ?

  • gill21655 gill21655 rain40852

    Hi rain

    You are not alone.. This is more common than you probably think.

    I suggest you revist your GP and explain everything as you have on here and see what other kind of help they can offer you.

    Thée are therapies besides medication and coping skills to help you.

    There is life after anxiety and depression..

    You can do this .. Make that call and it could turn your life around.

    Stay strong and positive as possible in this rubbish time and im glad you posted thats your first step to recovery xxxx

  • lisalisa67 lisalisa67 rain40852

    You added a layer to the anxiety disorder  of alcohol dependence. Maybe seeking help from AA can help. Most drink for a reason anyeay. Alcohol indices depression which is the opposite of what you need right now. It all awful and so sorry this has become your journey. Id say you are not alone but thats not always comfortiing because in reality im sure it sure feels like you are anyway. You 

    you can manage the darkness oer say but you have to take action to do so. Join AA and start there. Then if possible seek therapy with a psychiatrist. Then take it from there one step at a time. lonely is a mindset sadly but this needs to be addressed andmanaged. My friend on the otherside of fear and sadness is all your dreams and hopes so hang in there. As dark as it seems its a chemical imbalance and if that can be helped you will feel better. You shut yourself away like a punishment or a saftey gaurd but it won't work that why therapy exists to help you.

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