1. Community
  2. Mental health
  3. Bipolar Affective Disorder

New Here! Any Advice Welcome....

Posted , 4 users are following.

keith2k15
keith2k15

Hello Everyone!

Firstly, thanks for accepting me on here! Not really sure were to start but I will have a go.

I have a long history with Anxiety/Depression and had been put on anti-depressants and Diazepam approx. 13 years ago. Around this time I attended my GP who told me he would like to do a referral to Mental Health Assessment Team as he thought I may have Bipolar.

I was quite taken back by this and decided to change my Doctor as I did not want to be labelled with being Bipolar. My father has Schizophrenia and a younger brother has Bipolar also.

I was brought up in the care system since I was around 1 year old and spent the next 17 years in care homes/foster carers.

As a bit of background: I also spent sometime in a children's Psychiatric Unit (not quite sure why to be honest - although my current Psych Nurse has requested the archived notes).

I have experienced anxiety/Depression since the age of 15 years old. Over the years I became dependent upon the Diazepam and had become addicted to them.

I have been in Psych Hospital previously for multiple over doses as I would have drank alcohol to try and supress the feelings (mostly in a depressed state) resulting in taking over doses.

Mid March this year I was on a 'High' for almost 8 weeks (very little of which I remember) and lost approx. 4 stone in weight in this period. I really cannot account for much of this time and this is very frustrating.I was taken to hospital by Ambulance as a fireplace and mirror fell on top of me ( I don't know what I had done but apparently my neighbour heard this and called Ambulance). I stayed in hospital for 2 days (mainly due to the amount of alcohol in my system and the consultants concern about my mental health).

I then spent 2 and half weeks in a Psych Hospital. In this time I had detoxed from the Diazepam and alcohol (only on diazepam prescribed by the Doc x3 5mg tabs daily).

On discharge the Consultant Psychiatrist had discussed with me that he thought I had PTSD, Underlying Personality Traits (vulnerability - what ever this is?) and wanted me to attend day hospital 3 days a week for assessment for Bipolar.

I have been attending the day hospital for approx. 5 weeks now and in this time my Psych Nurse has mentioned that he has noticed that I had been very depressed for a couple of weeks and they became concerned about a change in my behaviour (I went on a 'high' for about a week) then crashed down to depression - sometimes there is no middle ground were I feel 'normal'.

He has also said that he has noticed quite a drop in my weight again and has asked the Psych Doc to see me ASAP.

Sorry if this is dragging on....I'm trying to out things into context and struggling with my concentration also  :?

Can anyone relate to this?......

Sometimes I can feel a 'High' coming on and sometimes I can't (confusing). When I am high I do some very embarrassing things such as buying 12 pairs of trainers instead of 1 pair! Randomly and without thought sleeping with people I would meet online (something I would never do at all), spent an excessive amount of money recently on a business project that I had previously (whilst feeling level headed) agreed was not salvageable, Stay awake for a week or so without feeling the need for sleep, always taking on more than I can manage (and what I do take on I rarely finish), sometimes I feel irritated for no reason and frustrated that others cannot keep up with me.

There is quite a bit more I could add about my 'Highs' but the list appears endless!

Sometimes these 'Highs' are enjoyable, I feel I can get a lot more done and I welcome these sometimes when I have come out of a period of feeling depressed as when my mood is low I often feel life is not worth living, I am frustrated and embarrassed by my actions at times, the debt I have incurred through stupidity, not wanting to get out of bed, panic attacks at the thought I would have to venture out, even to the local shop for milk! It is really a dark, dark place to be as I am sure most here can relate to.

Recently I attended the local Emergency Department as I could feel the onset of depression after a 'High' and was getting urges to self harm. This is the first time I have actually sought help before things got to out of hand - I followed the advice given to be by my Psych Nurse....I was experiencing constant thoughts of death and obsessing over it, I was hearing voices and noises at home (I live on my own so quite scary), I could not really make sense of the voices I was hearing and could maybe only make sense of a few words - sounded more like rambling, I also felt cutting sensations on both by arms and was getting these extreme urges to cut my arms (something I have never done).

After attending the Emergency Department, the Crisis Psych Team wanted to admit me to the Psych Ward for my own safety. However I really did not want to go back to that environment and agreed to the Psych team calling at my home the next couple of days until I was due back in to the Day hospital a few days later to continue my assessment.

I get confused and frustrated at myself as these episodes are becoming more frequent (with shorter periods of normal moods in between - sometimes I just go from one extreme to another.

I get frustrated that at times I am able to see when I am getting 'High' or 'Low' and also the fact that when I am 'High' I do not always remember what I have done....just does not make sense?! How can I forget things like this??

So, currently my Psych Nurse has no plans to discharge me from Day Hospital, I do feel like I am in Limbo as I do not know what is going on and my Psych Nurse thinks I might have Bipolar....He has asked the Psych Doc to see me sooner rather than later as he feels I might need some medication for my moods (becoming erratic lately - ups and downs- sometimes change every week or so with no normal mood in between).

Sorry to be rambling on and sorry if I have not put things across clearly!!

By Psych Nurse has the best of intentions but is constantly forgetting to request PSYCH Doc to see me (day hospital is quite under staffed at present). This makes me feel as if no one really cares and sets me off feeling depressed.

I know you guys/girls are not here to do the PSYCH Doc's job, but just wondered if anyone can relate to any of this....like I say I feel as I am in limbo not knowing what is going on....

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Keith

1 like, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • justbeingme2
    justbeingme2 keith2k15

    Posted

    Hi Keith! I can relate! I'm not great at always expressing myself but I'll try. I am bipolar and at first I did not want to be labeled as such. Now, I was diagnosed in my mid 20's but didn't believe the doctor as I had recently lost my mom. I believe I suffered from depression at a very early age (6) but I didn't know what I was feeling. At the age of 9 I thought about dying and how I could do it. Believe it or not, listening to music saved my life. When ever I thought of it, I'd listen to music and let my mind go with what I was hearing. Then I became a mom and focused on my family. I had a few relationships where everyone cheated on me. My ex husband to be cheating was it. Something happened and I became a different person. I flirted and would text people. Always being inappropriate and it felt good because I thought I was getting everyone who cheated on me back. Really, it was my bipolar but I didn't know it. I eventually cheated on my husband either by being inappropriate through phone conversations and kissed two people twice. I thought low of people that cheated and something I would never do but it was like I couldn't help it. After my mother died, I cheated with a coworker then met the love of my life! I mean it! But I lied and cheated on him. I believed he was a liar and a cheat. That he was sleeping with other women and I wanted to spend money on looking good for him even when I couldn't afford it! Honestly, there is so much I don't remember but I was manic. After I lost him, I wanted to die. I couldn't sleep, eat, or would eat too much and cry and not sleep and then sleep too much. Then days without sleep! I was going to end it all when I walked to emergency care and told them what was going on. I finally accepted that I was bipolar, got on meds and began group therapy. Its been three years and I'm finally healthy physically and mentally. I lost him forever but falling in love with him saved my life. He is angry and won't discuss us anymore. I'm heart Broken but I understand why he won't discuss us. I've forgiven myself and I know I wasn't mentally alright. I take my meds every day and attend therapy as much as I can. What I'm trying to say is that if you want to get better, listen to the doctors, take meds if needed, go to emergency care and get admitted if thats what it takes. I never thought my life would be okay but I am okay and aside from losing the man I ever loved, I'm happier than I've ever been. I learned a hard lesson by not following the doctors. I hope I've made some sense and wish you the very best!
  • arwen1972
    arwen1972 keith2k15

    Posted

    What you are describing sounds exactly like my life. I am bipolar and on medication. I'm not ashamed of my illness. It is just like a physical illness that needs to be treated.

    You definitely need to see the psychiatric doctor to get properly assessed. Then you can work on getting things under control. I wish you all the luck in the world.

  • Scottie70
    Scottie70 keith2k15

    Posted

    Hello Keith...

    Absolutely I can relate to what you have written about your life!

    Much like the other commenters; it's like reading about my own life, so much similarity it's both scary & laughable!

    Laughable because I hear myself within your words, especially the frustrating part about sensing or feeling the onset of an episode at either pole, yet being unable to stop the process!

    Avoiding triggers isn't always my forte either!! Some I can, many I can't!!

    A little about me; I was diagnosed with depression in 1998 & spent roughly two years on & off antidepressants as needed!

    Then I had a manic episode, probably a few unrealised/un-diagnosed hypomanic episodes leading up to...

    After a few weeks 'high' doing many of the things you discussed, I finally crashed into a low, made a serious attempt on my life, was admitted to the psychiatric unit, was assessed & diagnosed as having Bipolar!

    Medication was then changed to mood stabilisers & antidepressants of a lower dose & the battle began!!!!

    The Lithium battle that is!

    The consultant psychiatrist I was under was 'old school' & believed in Lithium whole heartedly, I didn't!!

    It wasn't & isn't the right medication for me. For a number of reasons, too longwinded to go into...

    My personality inextricably mixes with the bipolar symptoms & on a number of occasions different practitioners have commented on how they can't pull apart 'Justine the personality' from 'Justine with bipolar' as they're are in many ways, one of the same!!

    It's true & I agree...

    I have a black or white no grey areas mentality!

    An all or nothing approach!

    A Jekyll & Hyde dual personality, multipersonalities really!!

    I'm also born under the Gemini star sign, the twins!!

    So much of those personality traits merge into the bipolar characteristics, so pulling them apart can be challenging.

    I'm not ashamed of my condition, although it has a lot to answer for as it has a tight grip on me, not so much my persona as what's driving it!

    My lacking confidence, diminished self esteem, inability to believe in myself long enough to stick at a job, a project, a friendship, a whatever!?!

    I struggle with socialising & new friendships because I don't know how long it will be until I'm avoiding them because I feel depressed?!!

    This means I put my life on hold...

    Anyway Keith, enough about me!

    I can certainly relate & it would be great to chat online regarding bipolar life & beyond!

    I'm almost 45, birthday in June, married (2nd attempt!) have 3 children, qualifications yet no career at present & I'm currently on antidepressants after another low spell!

    I'm non compliant with most meds & choose to self manage my symptoms & only take A/D now because the depressions are too awful to wait for them to pass!

    Please follow up on the discussion, it would be good to read of your progress, how you're getting on & how you are generally.

    These forums keep me going at times, as in they pass the hours in the day, give me focus & connection.

    Take care. ;0)

Back to top

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the community to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the community are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the community is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.