New, scared, alone and need a friend

Posted , 3 users are following.

saw a lovely new doctor yday caus i thought i was stressed out n couldnt handle it nemore, really needed 2 do sumthin bout it. gave me a 'questionnaire' 2 c if i was depressed and hey presto, been diagnosed this mornin, signed off work 4 2 weeks n put on Citalopram.

I'm so numb and kinda scared!!!!

I dont think i have depression. Well, more like i dont want to think i have depression. i feel f*king awful all the time like im jus wanderin round in a grey mist that seems to mute everything.

So here i am, stuck at home on my own with nothin 2 do, but tbh even if i had somethin 2 do i probably wouldnt b botherd 2 atch do it. i desperately need someone to talk to, im terrified about the future. Work as a nursery nurse, back at work a week nxt thursday but im wurried how safe my job is caus ill jus b no better or evn worse as the doc said ill get worse 4 the 1st few weeks then it akes 6 weeks 2 even start workin!! :?

Was not expecting this at ALL when i went 2 c her yday. was jus expectin her 2 giv me somethin 2 calm me down n thtd b the end of it

also waitin 4 a letter from CMHT 4 me 2 make an appointment and am so scared about this aswell. well, not son much scared that i just dont want it! wish i could just curl up in bed so tight n wake p from this bad dream. i have no idea what anythin is going to be like anymore i feel so alone like a lost child. sad

i think its starting to get to my bf too. but evn tho i kno this, and hes fantastic, its like all the feeling are sat there on the verge of my body. i know what i should be feeling but i just cant really feel them. put a bit of music on thismorning as i have always loved music n it never failed 2 lift me up like nothingelse. well, even that isntworking i just dont know what the hell to do. even when im not at home on my own i just drift through my days like a zombie. i may as well be a stuffed puppet or a little wooden girl rather than an actual human being.

i cant beleive all this time iv felt like this, this has been the problem. i would never have evn drempt id ever have something as nasty as this feels. and now i have the deep dread that im unsure of everything there is to be unsure about and that it is going to be a long process to get back to my usual self, tho that possibility is feeling like its drifting away like a distant past life. :cry:

Can neone else relate?

Please reply. :oops:

Bubble x

0 likes, 10 replies

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Bubble

    I know it is scary, am fighting it myself at the moment. The feeling of wanting to do nothing, of everything like sticky soup where everything is an effort has been really strong this time around (last time I was this bad was about 10 years ago but was very different).

    I was signed off recently but as I am self employed that doesn't really count for much. What I remember from my previous bout of depression is that having a routine is important. Doesn't matter what it is something really simple works - even a walk round the block - but it means you achieve something - which when you are sat around all day actually can be quite a lift.

    I know it is hard but letting your friends know can be really helpful too. My friends helped me loads the first time and I have people looking out for me at the moment, even though I don't believe them.

    Meds don't always take that long to kick in - when I started on them again a couple of years ago it was only 2 weeks before I started to feel the effects.

    I know what you mean about music, I love the stuff but can't listen to anything at the moment, have trouble concentrating on reading as well. Just want to stay in bed and waste away.

    CMHT's are ok, they can be really useful as it is someone to talk to who is impartial and you can be as open as you want. There is no shame in seeing them, they are just other medical proffesionals doing their job and want to help you feel better. Remember depression is an illness, a nasty one but still an illness and can be sorted. OK so it can take time but you will be well again and stronger for surviving.

    Look after yourself, pm me if you want ( I don't have internet access at home but do try and check everyday).

    Don't give up, keep in touch, I know it is scary but it will get better

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  • Posted

    Hi Girl

    Thanks for the reply =) (didnt think any1 would!) Its so weird tryin 2 come 2 terms with the fact that im not jus a lil stressed n have an illness =S i feel like a bit of a fraud to be honest, as i think iv had it for months without realising; when i was always ready 2 drop of an evening but had trouble sleeping n the feeling etc, but iv come so used 2 keepin everythin away n tryin 2 act normally; as i work with children its a hard job when ur all, well, bleugh is the only was i can think 2 describe it lol so i dont know how i came across 2 ppl at work but tbh i dont think ther too asssed i kno atleast 2 hate me but hey what can u do, jus leav em 2 it *shrug*

    Not feelin any better or worse yet, 4/5 days down the line which is eff all really, jus in the process of movin 2 my mum n dads with bf (like thts all i need lol but itll b nice 2 b round family) so poppin round my flat l8a hopefulli il hav 2 letters l8n, 1 frm CMHT n 1 frm physio so i can try n mend my poorly leg n start proper excercise try n cheer me up =)

    do u mind me askin how old u r girl?

    take care

    Bubble x

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  • Posted

    Hi Bubble

    Bleugh is a very good way of describing it! I have also just moved and thought that might make me feel better but certainly not today. Rang the samaritans again last night (only 2nd time ever) but still ended up doing things I shouldn't. Feel really low today but don't know if should get appointment with gp - don't want to waste his time when there are people around who need his help.

    You are not a fraud - it is easy to put symptoms down to daily stress but once you know what is happening you can look back and realise how long you have been feeling like it.

    Oh yeah I'm 32 (Girl is because thats what I feel like - a lost, scared girl who doesn't know what to do)

    Take it easy

    Girl

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  • Posted

    Hey Girl

    I know exactly how u feel bout the lost lil child thingy, i feel so trapped by myself at the min.

    i think u should get an appointment with the doctor hun!! Theyre ther 2 help n im sure he/she will do ther best. Ur right ther r also other ppl hu need 2 c doctors too.. but to be honest hun u must b near the top of the list its better 2 go n c them =)

    If u wanna tlk bout what u did or how ur feelin im right here =)

    its such a releif 2 find other ppl feeling similarly 2 me, make me feel a little less like im goin absolutely mad! also een sfferin the WORST headaches contantly 4 the past 4 days. got some cocodamol frm tesco which releiv it onli 4 bout 30 mins now n again =/ aaarh

    im wurried bout my bf, he seems a bit down recently caus im in my own little sh*t world most of the time i think he feels a bit on the sidelines as we'v jus moved in with my family too i duno what 2 do im like .............. jus blank.

    bloody dreadin wednesday. he's off 2 lake district 4 2 days 2 do charity work with his workplace. i know its only 1 night n sumwher in my mind i think im bein a bit silly but i duno what its guna b like. am 19 atm n we havnt spent a night apart since i was 17 1/2 n hes my everythinn dee down im so scared of hurtin or loosin him its my biggest fear i honestly do not know what id do which scares me the most really.

    anyway.. sorry am garblin on a little.

    hope u feel a lil better soon

    Bubble x

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  • Posted

    smile Hi Bubble

    See? You're not alone. I'm sorry you suffering, yet part of me was so pleased to ready your message. I thought I was the only one to ever feel so empty and numb. No feelings. But they are there somewhere. I'm not sure where they go, they just take a back seat I think. Probably to protect us. But that's me only guessing. And yes, it is sh*t. Really, really sh*t. I was put on citalapram. I took them for a few months, but wasn't sure if I liked being on them. So I took myself off them. I get the bad headaches, along with stiff neck. Doc says I hadnt been on them for long enough but whatever needs to come out of me, then perhaps i should allow it to come out. But that's me. I don't want my feelings to be suppressed. Maybe thats wot caused this in the beginning. I don't like me at the moment. Have somehow gained a nasty tongue in my head. I think its easy to say hurtful things to people because we are not feeling their hurt. Have lost a few really close friends lately, even had a scuffle with one of them because i confronted them when they were drunk. My commonsense should have told me to leave them alone when in that state, but no, the depression won yet again.

    Your boyfriend will be feeling pretty crap himself I'm certain. He needs to talk to people, but fellas tend not to do that kinda thing. I think our otherhalfs need support and help. He'' probably feel useless cos he carnt help you, but see if he will talk. I know what it's like being on the outside, I've cared for a manic depressive full time for a year at my home, it was a friend. Being on the outside can almost be as bad as being on the receiving end, unless you're not a genuinly caring person. Now I on the receiving end and now how my husband and family feel. It's hard.

    You know, I've read on this site that it does get better. And yes, I'm sure it does. I like lots of other people would just like it to be over and done with as soon as possible. But I guess theres no time limit. I have some better days than others but the feelings thing just doesnt seem to be happening. I dont like peoples company alot of the time but live in a very busy household, so being on my own is difficult. Try to encourage your boyfriend to go out abit without you. That way he gets a break, even if he says its okay and he doesnt want to. Sounds like you got a gd family behind you too. It will be hard for all of you.

    Now I starting to waffle, and go on and on. You know summat, I carnt even remember my bloody password to sign in this site, thats why I sign in as a guest.

    Chin up. Stick with it.

    with best wishes.

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  • Posted

    Hi Bubble

    Cheers for posting back. I guess you managed to get through last night and your bf being away. He is prob confused by how you are and not being able to help making him feel inadequte. maybe tell him about this site so he can read about how everyone is different and so he can see how you are feeling. He may even want to post himself - I am sure there must be people who read these pages looking for info cause of a loved one.

    at my end things seem to just keep on getting worse. I spent all yesterday looking after a friend who is also depressed (it is easier to look after other people than myself). I am in a better place than her as I have been on meds for longer and aren't always in the fog now but I had to pull her away out of the road last night as she walked out in front of a car and she has given me all her tablets as she is tempted to take them all. I made her book an appointment today and went with her so now I am looking after her new meds as well. Trouble is I don't think I am strong enough to provide her with much more help. I have a bruised hand from hitting things and have been doing other things as well. I did ring to get an appoint with my gp but none available maybe should have made one with another gp not sure if I can be bothered, they won't do anything. have psychiatrist appoint a week today but I don't know what is going to happen between now and then. I still haven't been able to pay my bills or make any work and I don't know how long it is going to last. quite fed up and angry (understatement!) sad

    anyway best be going but will look in soon.

    Take it easy, it does get better - just ignore my ramblings.

    Cheers

    girl

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  • Posted

    Hey hun.

    i think u should still try the docs, i duno what theyll b able 2 do but they cant help if you dont ask?

    really sorry 2 hear about ur friend tht sounds like a tricky situation ur in caus evn if u try n explain 2 her ur not strong enuf she may take it the wrong way or somethin considerin the state it sounds shes in, but at the same time its really not fair on u, uv got ur enuf of ur own things 2 deal with =/ mayb give her some numbers or contacts she can use 4 suport? does she kno bout this site? its really helped me n probs alot of other ppl.

    yea, when bf was away last night it wasnt as bad as i expected it 2 b tbh. had a complete sh*t day on tuesday tho... as im doin an apprenticeship, i felt ok on monday so thought id go 2 coll as its onli 1 day. boy was THT a mistake!! felt so horrible, i felt like the sticky soup u mentiond b4. went dwnstairs 2 sr8n my stupid hair 1st thing, n just sat there in floods of tears 4 no reason. had a splittin headache all day n managed 2 stay in till jus gone dinner time, tho i wasnt able 2 concentrate on ewt so was a complete waste of time. quite scary really, tht day was the 1st time i felt bad enuf 2 think i jus dont want 2 carry on nemore n want it 2 b over, however way possible jus for the releif n escape, felt in such a deadend rut wher nothin in the world has ne point whatsoever.

    felt ok this mornin, but got a letter 4 me 2 make an appointment with the CMHT when my dad took2 me check at the flat. 4 no reason it sent me in 2 a complete stress out n panic, thought i was gunna throw up n cudnt stop shakin!! =S such a nobhead i have no idea y i do it. ther wasnt evn ne reason 4 me 2 get stressed in the 1st place al tht time ago 2 cause this horrible depression i jus dont understand!!! im so scared of makin an appointment with those ppl caus i have no idea wtf ill say or what theyll tlk 2 me about arr >.< feels like all i neeed right now is some gd tranquilisers! lol tho id probs b much too tempted 2 take too many =/

    dont worry if u think ur ramblin girl its lovely 2 hear from u =)

    plus i do it way too much myself.. so sorry 4 tht lol

    thanks for the message too... (im SO sorry forgot ur name now... the other dude who forgot ther password? ^ =) )

    hope 2 hear frm u soon

    Bubble x

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  • Posted

    Hi Bubble

    I did go to the gp yesterday - he was ok, faxed a letter to cmht today and they have already rung me. At the time I was looking after my friend who had rung for help so didn't want to make her feel worse. not feeling too good today but better than yesterday - have to work tonight from 5 but don't want to go getting panicy. Friend says she is ok to look after her own meds so have given them to her - please let me have made the right decision. Have asked the cmht to ring again on Mon and they will also be discussing my case at their team meeting so will know if they are going to provide me with any further support.

    Don't worry about booking your appointment, they won't say anything judgemental. the first appoint is usually to get info from you so it is a general chat. They have to find out what they can do to help you and this is the best way. Don't worry if you are stressed, they are used to all sorts of things and won't think anything bad about you if you are wonky.

    Thanks for you're kind words, it is good to be able to randomly 'talk'. Thinking might even print off all my posts so can show the cmht how I have been feeling - hard to remember when having a good day.

    Ok well take it easy, don't be too hard on yourself and hope you have a better day today.

    Cheers for now

    girl

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  • Posted

    hey sorri 4 not replyin 4 a bit, been tucked away in my own lil world 4 a few days :?

    im soo glad u rung them, c, itll b gd 2 get somethin dun. im sure u made the right decision bout ur friend its realli good of u 2 b ther 4 him/her

    had such a ad day the other day, went docs endin up gettin another 2 weeks off, rung work str8 away n they sounded SO pissed off. was in such a downer neway i burst in2 tears wkln home frm docs n had 2 use all my energy not 2 let myself wlk str8 in2 the road. was a scary feelin, tht i cud hav done so easily. :oops: feel so stupid all the time n just spent ages cryin evry day. im glad my mum knows what im goin thru or id b a total recluse tbh n my bf is fantastic which is really gd so feels like them 2 r the onlin reasons im sane n reasonably functioning atm!! :?

    jus been uninvited 2 my m8s weddin reception on sat which it sh*t. i was onli guna go 4 like 3 hrs or so jus 2 try n feel normal. the onli 2 ppl txtin me outta hu i thought wer m8s frm work onli do 2 get info or ask f*ckin stupid questions, eg. last night 'y u got another 2 weeks off' 'y u on antidepressants' 'y u depressed' 'i dont think u shud cum 2 the weddin caus itll make the bosses p*ssed off' all in a short amount of time i was like omg f*ck off :evil: then the bride 2 b txt me sayin she thinks the same n tht shell bring in pics 4 me. i was thinkin oyea jus what i want. mis out on stuff i was previously really lookin 4ward 2, then look at loadsa pics jus remindin me what a gd time evry1 in the world but me was havin while ill b stuck in a rut doin f*ck all.

    i rang them ppl n 2 ppl r cumin 2 my house on tues, totally dreadin it

    also doublin my dosage of citalopram (or w.e it is lol) in 3 days so hopefulli itll effect me in a gd way rather than makin me worse!!

    neway sorri 4 ramblin (again. becomin a habit lol)

    how u been recently?

    Bubble x

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  • Posted

    Hi Bubble

    how crap people are, don't they realise you aint a freak and that actually having something to look forward to can make you feel better. OMG it pisses me off when people are so narrow minded about depression!

    My friend also signed off for 2 wks, her work not too impressed either, want her to try and work half days but dr saying shouldn't at the moment.

    tues and weds i was quite hyper, running everywhere, while trying to have no food, hitting self etc still like that today but last night got scared about it (my gran was bi-polar and i don't want to end up like she did). rang the local police and the crisis team, sat in the doorway of a shop until almost 4am went home eventually, spoke to both police and crisis team again, then 2 police officers turned up at my house at nearly 5am to check I was ok! still not brill today but have both psychiatrist and gp appoints later so see what they say.

    I am meant to be going to a wedding on sat as well but thinking if I am in a state like this how can I possibly go, one of the 2 people I know can't now make it so not going to know anyone and what happens if I lose it, very scared about it but also can't let my friend down by not going. keep on telling self change will be good.

    oh yeah, just before I go, check out a website called moodtracker.com,is for people with depression or bi-polar disorders, is free and you can plot your moods, to see if there is a pattern. Have only just found it but is really quite useful.

    Take it easy, hope today is going well

    girl

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