NEW TO SITE- I'm really struggling and don't know where to turnt
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I've never used forums before but really struggling!! I'm late twenties and have struggled with anxiety/depression/low self esteem for the 10 years on & off.the first episode was when my mum was terminally ill, I struggled to cope with everything, work, life. We was so close & I miss her terribly. I was put on anti depressant and was on these a few years, I started to feel better so weaned myself off them with the help of GPs. I thought everything was going well until I had a blip 6 months later regarding work & study and totally crashed and was put back on them. I quickly felt a lot better but knew I couldn't stay on them long as I was getting married and we want to try for a baby. I accepted referral from my go for counselling, cbt and trauma therapy which I really felt helped. I felt I was turning a corner so with the advice and help from gp and councillor I again gradually weaned myself off of them. This was just over a month ago, however I'm really struggling. I can feel myself going into myself, my anxiety and low self esteem are rising and I'm trying my best to control them but it's hard. It's starting to make me doubt my abilities in my role, I'm a hca at a hospice. I fell into this work after my mum passed away and wasn't something I had ever done before. I constantly feel stupid in my role and feel a lack of understanding but daren't ask for help. My team are lovely and I think they think I'm so much better than I am. As my low self esteem takes over I get the feeling I need to run, jump ship, I've never done this but it's a hard emotion to manage. I've often had this feeling in jobs where I'm a fraud no good and that I'll get found out!!
i talk to my husband but I know he struggles with what to say to make things better. I feel so alone at times, me and mum was so close, like best friends really. I don't have a very good relationship with my dad either.
i don't know if I should be looking for another job, is it the job that makes me so unhappy and fuels my self esteem and anxiety issue I just don't think I'll be good at anything. As my problems grow I can find myself getting into rituals where I constantly compare myself to others and their job and feel I will never be good enough.
i could go on but I've waffled for long enough, I just wondered do others feel this way?
as I get older will it get easier?
i feel it will always stick with me.
thanks for listening B x Report Share
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3 likes, 9 replies
ohio1128 Bid2012
Posted
You need to know that I am in no way whatsoever an expert. But some of what you said resonnated with me.
Regarding the work front and feeling like a fraud - I just read an article that indicated MOST of us feel like we aren't good enough in our jobs! I was in a discussion with a friend a while back, and we both said that a person takes a job, not because s/he has all the qualificiations, but because the EMPLOYER believes in him/her. That sounds like where you are. They BELIEVE in you. Try to see in yourself, what they know is there.
One way of doing that is through training and continuing to learn. I do not know what you do in Hospice, but surely there are on-line webinars similar to your line of work, professional networking groups. Listen to speakers. For me, signing up for free e-books, seminars, e-newsletters, etc. is the best thing to help me professionally. If you do not know where to start, ask your manager. If you do not wish to ask your manager, ask someone else in a similar field. Or google.
I, too, went on anti-depressents when my mother passed. Still on them. But she and I were not that close. Relish in your relationship with her - many people never have that experience.
Talk with your ob-gyn regarding depression issues/meds and ask what s/he advises. Instead of weaning yourself off counseling and meds, talk with the doctor and find out a different solution.
And finally, regarding low self-esteem, I am right with you. I listened to books on tape to help me look at my low self-esteem differently. Go to your public library and ask what the librarian suggests. I mean, it can't hurt! (My biggest concern was raising my child with low self-esteem. Instead, he is resilient and looks at the bright side of life's valleys.)
I am just trying to provide you with some different actions for you to consider. Maybe none of these resonate with you, but please think if any of these ideas can lead your thoughts in a different direction, resulting in your being able to try something that WILL work for you.
--Patty
Bid2012 ohio1128
Posted
thank you you for the advice, I am always learning and attending study days. I just feel that information doesn't stick, well not the useful or things I should know! As my depression gets worse I just get more and more lost and feel even more stupid which then makes me go into myself more and too afraid to ask for help.
i try taking my mind off things at home with TV, mindfulness colouring & cooking but at the moment it's hard to distract myself from my thoughts!!
B x
elle26573 Bid2012
Posted
Your post was very open and honest. I completely understand what you describe. I am in my 30's, married and have a full time job. Through the years, I have had many crashes, where I have simply run away from situations - including top teaching jobs because I felt I was not good enough.
I have taken on more of a back seat job recently and have found the courage to excel --- only now my boss seems compelled to make out I'm not good enough (I know I am though). It seems whichever way you play it, you cannot win with depression.
My resume reflects a he problem I have had because of the number of jobs on it -- some for as little as 4 months.
The numb and empty feeling has come back. Nothing helps. If I start to enjoy something I feel guilt and spiral down. From the outside everyone thinks I'm confident and have it all but inside I'm dying and cannot change 😞
I wish someone could explain this feeling 😞
Bid2012 elle26573
Posted
its so nice hearing from someone in similar situation! I too wish someone could help explain these feelings! It's damn hard feeling this, ain't it? I'm currently sat crying with frustration at how I feel!
Fighting with myself to go to work when I just want to crawl under the cover or jump in the car and not come back!
Me and my new husband are hoping to try for a baby and one of my big fears is passing on my insecurities & depression onto our child!
bx
elle26573 Bid2012
Posted
Oh my goodness me too! I'm currently off sick from work - it's been a week. Work have been awful and constantly contacting me for a docs certificate. Some days it's just too hard.
I feel guilty.
My husband is excellent but he can never really know what it's like --- only when you've been through it can you understand that rain cloud that is constantly over your head.
At the moment I'm feeling numb - my mind is cycling between guilt and uselessness. I feel in wasting my life - sleeping all the time but cannot gain the strength or ability to grab life and live it.
Why can't I be like normal people ?
Thank you for your reply. It is great to hear from people who understand.
E x
Bid2012 elle26573
Posted
i wish I could give you answers and advice to help ease things but please know your not alone with how your feeling
i too feel like life passes me by when I feel like this, today has been slightly better than I thought, managed to get myself to work which I suppose is an achievement, I knew if I didn't the guilt would grow.
i felt super anxious most of day n wanted to cry, maybe this is our norm!
hope your day got a little easier
B x
stevo1975 Bid2012
Posted
Sounds to me that you feel incompetent and unloved which remind me of my depression at its worse ! You are not waffling on ok we are here to try and help and ease the pain of this illness with advice from own experiences! I believe the death of your mom was quite deep in your heart and has and may have a long lasting impact on your mind also which maybe only anti-depressants can ease? regarding your self-esteem I’m exactly the same I have to tell myself I am a talented musician as even though I have been in bands since I was 16 and am 40 now I still worry about what people think of me playing on stage?? I personally think the frustration and low self-esteem some suffer with may be a side show to depression/anxiety disorder?
Its hard for your husband to truly understand, my wife is the same.. until they have been there I don’t think they will get it? I think it will get easier as you get older you will increase your natural resilience take care J
Bid2012 stevo1975
Posted
thank you for your kind words, it's so hard to see light at the end of the tunnel when things feel as bad as they do.
i agree I always feel incompetent and a failure the only place I truly feel some level of confidence is at home.
I hope your right on the resilience and that things get easier as time goes on.
hope your doing ok at present
B
Digsby Bid2012
Posted
I'm encouraged to read that you do experience some level of confidence at home. This is obviously your comfort zone and you just need to build on this feeling of self-confidence and carry it with you into the outside world. As Patty rightly says, the feelings of being a "fraud" who might be found out, in our professional lives, are more common than you think. Depression has caused me to lose two jobs in the last 15 years, jobs that I loved and on the whole waswell-qualified and good at. My biggest problem was that my work environments were changing and I didn't have the confidence to change with them and this caused me unbearable stress and anxiety. It sounds as if you enjoy the work that you do - you must be a very caring and giving person as not everyone would be suited to this role. I would suggest that you not be afraid to ask for help if you need it. I've learnt that it's less a sign of weakness and more a sign of strength and assertiveness to admit when you don't know something and are willing to learn. If I had my life to live again, I'd ask for help a few more times when I was feeling a little stressed which would have saved me getting in an emotional mess. I'm glad that you have your husband to talk to. Sometimes it's not as important for someone close to us to understand, as it is for that someone just to be there, hold our hand and reassure us that everything will be ok. Many of us wish that we had that someone sat next to us (but we still have our online friends here to reassure us!) Keep communication lines with your husband open, be honest with him, let him know what you need from him and ask him what he needs from you. Stevo is spot on - people have been telling me all my life that I need to be more resilient, and with time you can learn to be, even if it doesn't come naturally. It's positive that you are cooking, colouring and doing other mindful exercises. Do persevere with them as they are calming and therapeutic. Keep in touch and let us know how things go.
Hugs xx