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I have never joined a forum before and never thought I would ever join one like this.

You see the thing is is that I have always, always been sad for as long as I can remember as a result I struggle to interact socially with others then I entered secondary school became a teenager and thought things would change for me but they didn't. I went from being sad to being angry as things did not look up for me the way I hoped they would.

I am a victim of child abuse, domestic violence and sexual abuse.

Somehow I always hoped that one they things would improve for me, things would get better and I would finally be happy but things just got worse the older I got.

I have attempted suicide once in my life and have became suicidal for a very long time but it got better so I thought.

It is a real struggle for me to open up to people and share my thoughts and feelings even if I am female. I find it difficult because I don't trust people, I feel like people are judgeing me and perhaps mocking me in the process or they may use it against me and most of all I feel as though people don't understand and they diffinately don't care.

But throught all of this I have believed there to be a light at the end of the tunnel but not anymore. I have given up hope that good things will ever come my way.

I have no family no friends (meaning no social life) no job no nothing. Just a loser who is overlooked in life, ignored generally, I feel as though I don't exsist.

I have tried anti-depressants, talking to a councellor, mental health nurse, GP and nothing. None of those have helped one little bit.

It has gotten to the point where I am just completly fed up and sick to death of life. I really truly hate my life and myself, I hate what I see in the mirror, I hate the fact that I have absolutly nothing to show for my pathetic existance.

I just hate the way I feel and I want the pain to stop but thats just too much to ask for isnt it

I read other peoples posts and its nice to know I am not the only one feeling this way 

 

1 like, 11 replies

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11 Replies

  • Posted

    Please dont consider suicide anymore it isnt the answer you have had such a painfull upbringing that you were betrayed by the very people who should have loved and cared for you but just remember none of that was your fault yes it has stopped you from forming trusting relationships with people but someone would be your friend out there yes people may have been through worse but your hurt and pain is yours unique to you same as mine I know people have been through worse than me but doesnt stop me from my pain and depression if you just need someone to talk to please message me on here I know im a stranger but that means ill have nothing to gain appart from a friend from you and means you will have someone that will listen please take care of yourself
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  • Posted

    Hi Debbie

    Whatever your been through, I have too but your not alone. How your feeling was the beginning for me, you could say I was a mess completely but more angry with myself. 

    How long were you on antidepressants? It takes awhile to kick in, I've been on them awhile now. I have my ups and downs. Also seeing a counsellor which she clears a lot of questions up there and then instead of going over in your head making you worst. 

    My trouble is the what ifs that's what I play on. I've tried to commit sucide a number of times but lately I shut a lot of people out and I've just realised what I done. 

    My families been great support, you say you haven't anyone but talking to someone close or a shoulder to cry on, just open up and let it all out. Your feel so much better. 

    There are something's in life worth seeing or living for, like go for a walk hear the trees in the wind, get a pet a responsibility to care for. 

    I'm always here for a chat because we in the same boat. 

    Take care xx

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  • Posted

    Hi Debbie, I am sorry to hear about your struggles, don't give up or take your own life. I have suffered the same abuses as yourself. My husband and nephew commited suicide and the pain left behind is unbearable. Talking about myself won't help you but just wanted you to know that your not alone. Please use this forum for support, we can listen and try to understand. I have found this forum a great support. There are other forums out there i have just joined a Mental Health one. Have you tried talking therapies i have found them to be a great help. Keep in touch with people even thou we are all strangers we can listen and encourage you. Hope this helps.
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  • Posted

    Hi Deb, I think your brave and its brilliant you have taken steps to try and get better. Do you have any hobbies or interests? I think you should try the meds for a longer period i was on some for 7 months and was feeling great and came off them, recently I have decided to go back on due to feeling low and unmotivated.

    I do feel talking about things helps if your not comfortable with a friend then try a councellor again as some are better than others, some will try and just make you smile where some will get to the root problem.

    Dont consider suicide anymore as trust me theres a lot more to life to live for. I try and look as each day as to try something new go somewhere youve not be before or talk to someone you have not spoken to before. 

    You need to ask what do you want from your life, to meet somone have kids, to travel, to help people, to maybe start a business maybe even all above smile

    If you need to chat more drop me a message.   

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  • Posted

    Hi Debbie my heart goes out to you, you are a brave woman to have to go through all that heartache.

    You will need to get living again with help from Doctor/ Specialist also join a Spiritual group who will put you on to a Reki group who will teach you to believe in yourself and you must learn to love yourself as being a strong and positive person also hypnotherapy could help as well.

    Look for activities that could help you to learn and regain your confidence back, do you like dancing - photography- try some volunteer job's in hospital etc. You will in time will find friends!

    Love to you Alexander.

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  • Posted

    Hi Debbie nice to meet you.  We all understand depression on here so you are alone no longer.  I haven't been here long myself but I do know there are some great people on here who will listen and not judge you.  

    You are certainly not the only one who feels this way.  I think most of us have either been there or are still there and we are all here to listen to you and try and support you.  xx

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  • Posted

    Hi Debbie, if you are in the UK, try and see if there is a Wellbeing clinic in your local area.  You can self refer and then see if they can offer you EMDR, also there may be a local rape and abuse centre that may offer you help.   EMDR is one of the best things to help with trauma.  If that isn't possible there may be other therapies that could help you, but if they don't help, try and hold out for EMDR, it really is good, if you read about it, you will wonder how it could possibly work, but it does for so many people.  For anyone who doesn't like talking therapies, and some people don't.  EFT is something that you can practice yourself, so it gives you control, no-one knows why it works, but it certainly can.

    I'd read about EFT. and went to a conference where an ex-soldier explained that he didn't want a talking therapy and had used EFT to good effect after having problems adjusting to civilian life after the fighting and killing in the Faulklands.  If any therapy doesn't work, you aren't to blame and there are plenty of other things to try.

     

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  • Posted

    Hi Debbie

    I have just joined this site (it having been suggested to me by a sweet sounding young lady of the Samaritans)

    The first thing I saw was your story!!... and I felt compelled to respond to you,  as I had just been 'blabbing and blubbing' (to the afore mentioned young lady )in much the same vein as your story goes....ie (expecting-erroneously-that adulthood would be an improvement on childhood)!!    Well, clearly,  we are none of us alone in ANY situation!!  smile

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