New to this - a little lost hoping for somw advice

Posted , 7 users are following.

I have a friend, well she is a little more than a friend. I have feelings for her and she knows this. She is suffering with depression she told me this herself. I have no issue with this, but i also have no understanding. She does not respond to me, i text to see how she is, i try and call - no answer. I am worried about her. I feel like i lost her. Before this everything was perfect. Then she explains to me shes unwell. I want to help her. She says shes needs space, in which i have tried my hardest. I leave her be, but every once in a while i will send a little text just wishing her well. Im just wondering will i ever hear off of her again? People with depression, why do they ignore people? I want to help her - do i continue to send supportive texts once in a while, or do i walk away? Do i totallt ignore her and hope she is ok.

I am beyond confused. I dont want to make this about me, i know shes hurting, i know shes lost and i just want to help her somehow. We dont live close so i am unable to pop and see her, which makes this hard. I think i love thia girl, i would do anything to make her feel better. I suppose what i am asking - 1- should i cut contact with her, or continue once in a while a short text so she knows i am here. 2- will i ever have the girl i knew back?

Thanks for any advice

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15 Replies

  • Posted

    So sorry for your predicament.  In depression it is unfortunately part of the illness that you tend to not find the ability to keep up your friendships.  It is really hard and quite different to feeling normal.  Once treated all this ought to restabilise and the socialising gets better. You are obviously a good friend but it is a waiting game to see how long it will be for health to return.  Small texts are ok, just not too frequent, and you may find when treated all will sort out.  Although you feel it is rejection, it isnt really, its the illness.  I have a friend who texted me irregularly for some time, then i didnt get any for two months. She is now much better
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    • Posted

      Thank you for your response. I find it hard to understand never struggling from anything like this myself, Nor do I know anyone who has. This is all new to me and just want to help her. I will keep my distance and hopefully one day she will contact me when she is happy again.

      She isn't seeking help which worries me also but I know I cannot push her to go to the doctors or anything like that.

      Thanks again😊

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  • Posted

    I am going through a major depressive episode at the moment and I have pretty much isolated myself from everyone around me. There are two reasons for this... Firstly I want to protect them from me, there is nothing they can do to help and I don't want them to feel helpless or that they have failed me in some way. Secondly, it is just so hard to talk about your feelings, particularly with someone who is so important to you.

    My closest friends know this and are brilliant. They send me little messages once a day to let me know they are there whenever I need them. It's not too intrusive and there is no pressure for me to reply. But I know they're there and it helps.

    Is your friend receiving support? Has she seen her doctor?

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    • Posted

      Hi lucy. I am sorry you're going through such a thing and I hope you're feeling better really soon! I hope I do not sound patronising also, I have just read lots of posts on this site Nd beginning to understand this a lot better. She did say she feels like she will drag me down, and if she blocks people out then they don't have to be involved with what is happening to her.

      No, she will not go to the doctors - which worries me massively as I believe she will not feel better without help.. maybe I am wrong.

      Thank you for taking the time to comment 😊

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    • Posted

      Just let her know you are there if she wants to talk. Try to convince her to get some proper help (but do this very gently, don't make her feel she is being forced into something).

      Do you have friends in common that you can speak to about your concerns?

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    • Posted

      I have explained I will go to the doctors with her if she wanted. Or if not I'm always here any time day or night. Self harm is also involved. But it is only me she has told - which makes me worry even more. I just want to grab her cuddle her and try and make it all ok somehow. I know that's me living in a delusional world.

      Unfortunately no mural friends, I feel guilty that I know and cannot do anything. I don't want to pester but also don't want her believing I've given up. Sorry I feel like I am ranting to you! X

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    • Posted

      You are a very good friend. If you can persuade her to get a dr apptt i think it would help, it is a difficult thing to do when you know it is the way forward but if you approach it gently it may be successful. I wish you luck.
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    • Posted

      There's no way I can encourage her to see the Drs. I have tried and failed miserably unfortunately. I have just echoed that I am here no matter what time day or night. Hoping she seeks advice from her mum, I have told her to explain to her mum and she won't be judged sinfingers crossed.

      Thank you for taking your time to give me advice I really appreciate x

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  • Posted

    Be kind and compassionate. Listen to her. Don't be judgemental. Don't hassle her for response or answer's or attention. Be patient and kind. Give her time. Don't ask her to cheer up. You will be rewarded 100fold when she is well.

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    • Posted

      Thanks Pete I have stepped back and given her time, left it a week and sent a little text just telling her I am here any time she needs me. Just don't want her thinking she's alone or forgotten about. I wouldn't dream of also g her to cheer up, I just wish I could take it all away from her - I know I can't and it is a hell of a lot more complicated then that unfortunately. Hope she does come back to me once this is all gone. Just worried with her not seeking medical help. Thank you for responding. Really appreciate it.

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    • Posted

      You are doing all you can. There is only so much we can do for even those we love, and beyond that it is out of our hands. She needs to work through and experience depression herself, but knowing you arw there for her will speed her recovery. The advice given above is good. Be patient, get on with your life too, you will be rewarded 100times over if you are patient and kind with her.
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    • Posted

      Thanks pete. Totally agree that I am doing all I can. She knows I am here if she ever needs anything .. thank you again for the advice really do appreciate it. Nice to speak to others and get it off of my chest sort of thing. 🙂

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    • Posted

      Hi kinderlost, maybe next time you text you could send her the link to this website,if she takes a look at it she might post something herself, you never know it might help when she realises she's not on her own, you seem to be a very caring boyfriend,hope she is better soon 😃

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    • Posted

      Hi Trina, I never even thought of something so simple. She has explained she's blocked everyone out so they don't have to see what she is going through. I will post this link, May help her to talk to others who are in a similar situation. Thank you!

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    • Posted

      Hi Kinderlost - I am wondering what the root cause of her depression is. I was a very social person, using humour all the time to "fit in." In reality it was a difficult business. My depression stemmed from an abusive childhood. Everytime we (I have a twin) turned around there was some drama, some imperfection, some crime my twin and I had committed that had to be punished. That sort of training in fear had us terrified of the phone ringing, every knock at the door, expecting punishment to result. The result is that I am relatively isolated now, and not being close to others is a relief. My twin is similarly affected, but has had more difficulty in relating to people. I'va accepted this is the way I am, and, oddly, despite having had a very social adulthood until recently, I never feel lonely. 

      I wonder if your freind has such demons in her past where she feels safer and calmer without people around and experinces dread when the phone rings... 

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