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hi, i've just recently last week admitted to myself and my best mate that i feel the way i do and picked up a few weeks dosage of citalopram today. I've never been as scared in my life! it took me a long time to build myself up to just swallowing the tablet earlier. Finding it very difficult to accept that I'm not well. I've put an amazing front on for years (more frequently lately) that i'm a confident, outgoing person who is a good laugh and enjoys nothing more than making other people laugh. My family know nothing about this, i can't tell them. My friends that do know are now trying to support me finally and were surprised to learn of my experiences behind closed doors. I cant seem to accept it as a few years ago my dad became very ill and was diagnose with schizo-affective disorder our lives were turned upside down. No child should have to hide tablets and knives and lock every door or listen to him hurting himself (and others). He did some horrible things (namely domestic violence and destroyed everything) he said so very horribile things like that we, his kids were to blame for his illness, that he wished we were never born, that we had ruined his life and now everyone hated him. that we stressed him out n were demanding and he hated our guts and that he wanted nothing to do with us and that we were lying about being abused basically when it came out. These were just a few things that occurred all at the same time along with losing everything, our home, family break up etc. and i am so scared of admitting that i could turn out like him or be anything like him...illness is, after all, illness and we have similar characteristics ie. bottling things up, self-pride etc. I've also see what anti depressants and anti psychotic drugs have done to him. He can't be bothered with his kids or his gf, he's always sleeping and tired, hes numb and selfish and doesn't seem to take any responsibility at all and uses his illness as an excuse for his behaviour. i know everyone is different and i'm a very self-aware anyway. Also, its hard as i've just started university and am a law student and am kicking myself for not sorting myself out sooner. I felt so low last week i just had to sort my life out. Can't even be bothered to go to lectures most days, so behind and just burst into tears for no reason and cannot afford to fail. Also, its becoming more frequent now. used to just be on a night i'd feel low now it can be anytime. in the morning, afternoon, late at night even when i'm out drinking with friends i can be having a laugh then i just need to leave suddenly, need to escape, feel lonely, confused and distressed just suddenly. Hoping these drugs will work as i'm very against anti depressants, they create dependency and only stabilise you not tackle the root causes of your depression.... (ps. sorry about the essay, its the most i've focused for weeks).

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  • Posted


    Give yourself a break - your dads behavior is exactly that HIS behaviour. You dont sound like him cus he puts his problems out on his family - you on the other hand have taken the choice to deal with your health issue without telling your family. You are at uni and sound like a very caring person.

    You have taken the step towards putting your life back on track. I too made this decision 2 weeks ago and am on Citalporam. The first week I was so spaced out but it did give me a sense of hope that the sadness can go away. It was lke a weeks holiday from the stress in my life.

    Hope the tablets help and they work for you.

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  • Posted

    Hi Abby,

    I started uni in September last year and was exactly the same - I'd stopped going to lectures by this time last year, I hated going out, I'd just sit in my room and cry. I decided to leave uni at Christmas and take a year out, and when I got back home I went to my GP and got put on citalopram. The decision to take a year out was probably the best one I've made - it gave me time to get myself back, to try and recover - and that's what I did. I came off the medication in July/August, and I'm back at uni in my first year again now. I feel like a completely different person - for the first time in years, I feel truly happy, I'm so much more confident than I've ever been, I don't find myself hating myself anymore, and I'm actually enjoying life again.

    I'm telling you this because you mentioned you'd started uni - as you know, uni can be quite stressful, with the exams/essays, and the new people - you feel like you've always got to put an effort in with everyone around you to make sure you make and stay friends, etc. I don't know what's the right thing to do for you, and neither does anyone else, but perhaps you should consider putting your education on hold until next year to give yourself some breathing space and a chance to recover? However, it sounds like you've got a tough home life which may make things worse, so this might not be the right course of action for you - Have you tried calling in at your university's counselling service? They're free, and it can be very helpful to have someone to listen and to help.

    As for your father - you are NOT your father, and that much is obvious from your message alone. The two illnesses are very different - depression can be overcome completely. From your message, you sound like a very caring person, and the fact that you're aware that you don't want to turn out like your father means you won't. Just because you've been on similar medication to him, and just because you have an illness, does not mean you're going to be anything like him - don't worry about that.

    The anti depressants won't create dependency unless you let them - I made the decision myself to come off them, because I didn't want to be on them anymore and I felt that they'd helped me all they could. I only told my doctor a few weeks later. That goes to show that you won't become dependent on them if you truly don't want to be. They're a support, a helping factor in your recovery. Obviously, they don't work miracles, you've got to be determined to beat the illness in your own mindset and mentally work alongside the drugs, but they can be incredible sometimes - counselling alone never worked for me in the long term, these drugs seem to have, though.

    You mentioned the root causes of your depression - if you're not already signed up for counselling, I'd highly recommend you enquire about sessions. That WILL tackle the root causes of your depression, and it'll give you that extra bit of support - and you can never have too much support.

    You sound like a lovely person, and I really hope you're feeling better soon. If you ever want to chat, I'm right here x

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  • Posted


    thanks for your reply, yes it all sounds so familiar, what i'm like at uni at the min. Deferring is not an option though, and a few people have suggested this. I cannot fail, if i went home theres nothing and no-one there. ''Friends and family'' don't bother with me, theyre all too busy or are those kinds of people that live in dreamland and change subjects if anything gets to them. Also, part of it is actually moving here and the massive change or new place and new people. So, therefore, would i not just feel the same next year? would have to actually get back in, resettle and adjust again and know nobody and then feel like a loser for being a yr behind every1 i knew before. so nah not too keen on the idea. its my mess i'll have to clean it up! I have tried counselling yes. the 1st one was yrs ago- a complete ass, 2nd left for major surgery never saw her again, 3rd awesome as, really got on upset when i had to leave like and she got a new job, 4th college, not too good just used to let me rant and never solve the underlying issues. 5th-uni one twice she now wont see me for a month cos our timetables clash apparently. good ehh? and thank you xx

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  • Posted

    Ive just started on citalopram myself. Its been a week and I feel a little spaced out, but its very light - a bit like you feel after 1/2 a glass of wine. Its really no big deal, and my depression has lifted. Abby, its sad to hear you say \"Im against antidepressants\". For heavens sake why? We have the idea they are not natural. But what is natural? Ever seen someone watch TV? It is as though they are in a trance, not moving, staring at the box for hours. Or having a drink of alcohol, or those people who have to run 20 km per day to remain mentally balanced. Our lives are full of ways of manipulating our mental states. I dont know why we need to - maybe something to do with living in industrialised society. I dont know. But in any case, an anti-depressant is just another method - and mostly easier and quicker than others! I too have had a mixed history with counselling, though when you find a good one (cognitive-behavioural therapy worked for me) they can make a difference. Exercise is also a big help. Just do what works and leave the guilt behind!
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  • Posted

    Yeah i already feel spaced out. Its only for like part of the day. I'm completely fine when i get home from uni..and i feel great today. Even with the stress of having to complete this essay for tomorrow i feel ok. I doubt they would be working already though? more like i'm just probably having a naturally good day.

    Actually though you do have a point, after reading your reply. I've just been taught, if thats the right word, that they don't work, that your pumping rubbish into your body and all the negative side effects. I'm hoping that I don't feel spaced out too often though as i do find myself drifting off in lectures which isn't helping, they're important. I do have a tendency to over-generalise and bias my arguments though which i'm aware of, so i'm probably wrong anyway. My friend suggested moodgym, have had a look at it and only completed 1st module as i just don't seem to have time for anything lately. Also, in the first few weeks here i was doing so much sport and excercise that i was aching but seem to have slowly dropped out of it to focus on work, couldn't be bothered or to go out. Will get back into the football next week when i have time though as after the two hour training sessions i did feel better for a few hours. thanks.

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