Posted , 3 users are following.
hi, i've just recently last week admitted to myself and my best mate that i feel the way i do and picked up a few weeks dosage of citalopram today. I've never been as scared in my life! it took me a long time to build myself up to just swallowing the tablet earlier. Finding it very difficult to accept that I'm not well. I've put an amazing front on for years (more frequently lately) that i'm a confident, outgoing person who is a good laugh and enjoys nothing more than making other people laugh. My family know nothing about this, i can't tell them. My friends that do know are now trying to support me finally and were surprised to learn of my experiences behind closed doors. I cant seem to accept it as a few years ago my dad became very ill and was diagnose with schizo-affective disorder our lives were turned upside down. No child should have to hide tablets and knives and lock every door or listen to him hurting himself (and others). He did some horrible things (namely domestic violence and destroyed everything) he said so very horribile things like that we, his kids were to blame for his illness, that he wished we were never born, that we had ruined his life and now everyone hated him. that we stressed him out n were demanding and he hated our guts and that he wanted nothing to do with us and that we were lying about being abused basically when it came out. These were just a few things that occurred all at the same time along with losing everything, our home, family break up etc. and i am so scared of admitting that i could turn out like him or be anything like him...illness is, after all, illness and we have similar characteristics ie. bottling things up, self-pride etc. I've also see what anti depressants and anti psychotic drugs have done to him. He can't be bothered with his kids or his gf, he's always sleeping and tired, hes numb and selfish and doesn't seem to take any responsibility at all and uses his illness as an excuse for his behaviour. i know everyone is different and i'm a very self-aware anyway. Also, its hard as i've just started university and am a law student and am kicking myself for not sorting myself out sooner. I felt so low last week i just had to sort my life out. Can't even be bothered to go to lectures most days, so behind and just burst into tears for no reason and cannot afford to fail. Also, its becoming more frequent now. used to just be on a night i'd feel low now it can be anytime. in the morning, afternoon, late at night even when i'm out drinking with friends i can be having a laugh then i just need to leave suddenly, need to escape, feel lonely, confused and distressed just suddenly. Hoping these drugs will work as i'm very against anti depressants, they create dependency and only stabilise you not tackle the root causes of your depression.... (ps. sorry about the essay, its the most i've focused for weeks).
0 likes, 5 replies