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Newbie (abortion I regret having and even after a year I can't seem to get over it

Posted , 3 users are following.

lucy120493
lucy120493

Here's my story..

Me and my partner had been together a year was really happy, he had a son with somebody else when we met, he was very young still a baby but my partner was having a lot of trouble gaining access as his ex partner wouldn't allow him to see his boy there was a lot going on with it, I stuck by him and supported him..

Middle of January 2016 I found out I was pregenant it was a big shock as I was on the pill, I was around 4 weeks, I just cried because I was so shocked and wasn't sure what to do, we spoke a lot about what we should do, he straight away said don't worry we can sort this, I went to the doctors to book an abortion it seemed the right thing to do, he was having trouble seeing his son now, we didn't live together didn't have much money, so I booked the appointment I got told I had to wait another 2 weeks before I could have the surgical opperation so by the time the day came I was 9weeks pregnant, I had to go to the doctors to have a scan see how far I was and everything, my partner came with me, I went in the room on my own I wanted Him to come in with me but he didn't I layer there and saw my baby on the screen a time little baby growing, the day came to my abortion he came with me and stuck by my side...I now would of had a 3 month old baby and it kills me everyday to think I got rid of it, I regret it so much and I still cry to this day, I find it so hard because he has a little boy already who is now 2, so when I see them bonding together I get so upset because that's all I want, I don't feel I'm ever going to be happy and back to myself again untill I have a child, end of January will be my year mark since I had my abortion, I get days where I have so much anger in me and hate in myself for what I did I just take it out on him, it's not helping our relationship but I feel he doesn't care, he never gets upset about it, he never talks about it, if I'm upset he always asks what's the matter but I feel if he felt how I felt about it he wouldn't need to ask he would know that's what I'm thinking about, I feel that because he has a child already our one didn't matter because it wasnt born or I wasn't very far gone...

I still feel like I'm pregnant all the time and find myself doing pregnancy tests more then ever, I dunno if that's because I'm hoping I will be.

I want more then anything to have a baby and I want him too aswell

I'm sick of having so much hate and anger in me for a decision I wish I never made.. not really sure why I wrote on here really I guess I just needed someone to talk to who I don't know, I want him to feel how I feel the loss I feel I'm full of so much anger and sadness, I love him so much and I want to be with him forever but I feel my attitude is making up drift apart sad

2 likes, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • borderriever
    borderriever lucy120493

    Posted

    You need to talk about your loss, in many ways you are grieving a Death and If you are unable to discuss the problem between your Partner and yourself this will take a long time to get over.

    You could go to your GP and explain your feelings regarding the Abortion. Possibly He may be able to arrange some CBT etc to get you through the loss/death.

    There are also charities that may help, check on the Internet.

    You need to grieve

    • lucy120493
      lucy120493 borderriever

      Posted

      I'm thinking of ringing the doctor tomorrow, I just wish he would understand the pain I'm in

    • borderriever
      borderriever lucy120493

      Posted

      Lucy

      How did you get on with your GP today ?

      If you are unhappy with your GP change to another in in Practice if possible

      BOB

    • lucy120493
      lucy120493 borderriever

      Posted

      It went okay, she referred me to 'Heath in mind' which gives you counciling and online support, I'm will to try absolutely anything to stop feeling how I feel

      Many thanks x

    • borderriever
      borderriever lucy120493

      Posted

      Good luck Lucy, hope all goes well

      Keep a hold, you know where we are for support

      BOB

  • wayne1962
    wayne1962 lucy120493

    Posted

    Hi Lucy - so sorry to read of your situation. It's terrible to have done something one wishes they could take back, to suffer with that decision, and to be filled with regret, self recriminations and anger. I am bewildered by your partners response to your pregnancy. Seems pretty cold and selfish. I'm wondering about the dina,ic of your relationship with him.

    I agree with what borderriever has posted. You seriously need counselling on this matter and to perhaps join a group of like minded individuals where you can share and be totally understood. The fact your partner refuses to discuss the matter with you after the event and plays stupid about why you are upset is cruel. He has a part in this matter and should at least be supportive. Your primary aim, however, is to be able to forgive yourself. What's done is done. There is no currency in contemplating what might have been. This is a challenge for you. It has also given you an important insight. Your partner does not want another child and you do. Finding someone who wants the same and will nurture you as well as the child can be along term goal. This event might well poison the dynamic between you and your partner.

    I wish there was something that could be said that could relieve you of the pain and suffering you are enduring, but I'm afraid it's gonna take time to deal with this. You will have to find strength within yourself, and that will be easier if you are around like minded people. Contact a support group today, Lucy. You don't have to carry this alone. Best of luck to you and you can always come here to vent. We're listening.

    • lucy120493
      lucy120493 wayne1962

      Posted

      Yeah it's a very hard situation, he lost his dad when he was 16 and always refers to that and how after that happening he just blocks out his feelings, this is what he says anyway but I feel like if I'm completely honest I feel like the abortion didn't affect him and he doesn't get upset about it so he uses the excuse of not talking about it, I dunno he always manages to turn it around on me being snappy all the time, his had 10 years to deal with his dad passing I know it's something you'll never get over but I've only had a year and I'm coming up to the date of the abortion so my emotions are everywhere.

      I find it hard seeing how happy his son makes him and the bond they have together and how much his mum (nan) love her grandson and how they talk about him being so special but they know nothing about the child I gave up, I stupidly was thinking of him more when I don't it and I totally regret it, but as you said there isn't anything that can be done now I know I need to look towards the future, I really want it to be with him, I just wanna be my happy self again

      Thanks Wayne for your reply x

    • wayne1962
      wayne1962 lucy120493

      Posted

      Hi again Lucy - thanx for your response. I'm sorry to ask this, but judging by your description of him I have to: Do you think he loves you?

    • lucy120493
      lucy120493 wayne1962

      Posted

      Well I'm sure he does, he lives 2 hours from me so we are a long distance relationship but we want to hopefully live together and start saving but I'm in abit of debt which also adds to me feeling down, I hope he loves me anyway

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