newbie needs advice on a partner/ex partner who knows...

hi there,really need some advice from fellow people who have a partner with bipolar or from people who have this horrible and heartbreaking disease

ok so sorry that this will be long but i need to try put as much info as i can...

ive been single for about 6 years but decided id like to get back into dating,i joined a dating site.im going to be honest here so judge if you want but it will maybe help you understand my prediciment

i didnt have much confidence and being single,i guessed i watched alot of porn but this got boring so i joined a dating site where i started to message a few women

i didnt want to meet them really,more i guess have some sort of interaction with them including sexual talk

s, and this sounds terrible i know,id just pick random women from a particular area and sent not filthy but quite rude direct questions as a first chat up line.i think i worked on the principle that if you message a 100 women,your get the odd one thats up for the same sort of thing.

id just lost my mum and had alot of time on my hands just sitting at home,no excuse but i wasnt exactly correct in my own mind

i know im not a bad man,ive never cheated in a relationship but i have been cheated on so im very insecure

so i did this for quite a while,i obviously and quite correctly got mostly stern rebuffs

anyway i did come across a photo which i liked and sent a very nice and polite message as i also did with others.

i think it was about 1 month after replying that i got a reply from this particular lady,id long forgotten as she never seemed to be active on the dating site so i guess she went out of my spectrum

anyway..

we passed the replys back and forth on the site before swapping numbers

we then had about 2 weeks of texting and they were always really long texts which was enjoyable as it showed she was bothered enough to write

we both seemed to see a connection(i know this is not real life but i do believe you can still get to know a lady through text and emails and get an idea about them) 

so we picked a day,somewhere neutral and i text on the morning of the day before to confirm a time

well come lunchtime,i hadnt recieved a text,then mid afternoon still nothing,i left it all evening as i knew that she could have run out of data on her phone but equally that she might have just had second thoughts

eventually at about 10pm,i just sent a text saying hi,dont worry if youve had cold feet,im fine with it,maybe we can rearrange sometime if you have problems.:

being on watsapp,i knew it was read at about 11pm but no reply back

eventually my phone beeped and i got a text back just saying,hi,yes lots of problems,sorry to waste your time x..

i replied back saying its fine,you didnt waste my time just let me know if you want to rearrange sometime.. 

i never got a reply but over the coming few weeks,id sent the odd text just saying hello and nothing heavy.again to no reply

about a month had passed and i suddenly got a reply,basicly saying she had clinical depression,listing all the drugs she was taking for it which all sounded believable and shed taken the trouble to describe the names etc and that she was pleased that id still tried to keep in touch but thought id be with somebody else by now(i wasnt as id liked her)

ok..(i forgot to say she was beaten up by an ex and her spine was serverley damaged so she also suffers from chronic back pain)

so we met and had a great time but i did notice that she did seem to talk alot,understandable,just quite fast and non stop but it seemed nice as it stopped all the first date kind of jitters

well she ended up coming to mine after the drink and we got on so well she ended up staying 3 days

i knew she was in pain with her back with all the tablets she had to take but we had a great time

sorry im trying not to make this longwinded

anyway i took her home and as i lived about an hour away and she didnt drive and i have animal commitments,she could only ever stay at mine or i go there maybe twice a week and somedays,she could sleep for a whole day(i can only take her word for this)

couple weeks past with normality although i did notice that she was full of ideas,still spoke fast and alot but sometimes,shed just have a faraway look in her eyes so i began to feel that something wasnt quite right but shed said she always was hyper if she came off the antidepressants and i just put it down the the depression

things began to get weirder when i thought it would be a good idea to drive down and surprise her( oh wouldnt hindsight be a wonderfull gift lol) i made sure i knew she was going to be home as id said id ring her(again she had the most shocking phone that hardly ever worked which didnt help)this i know to be true as i saw it cut out a few times my self

anyway i pull up outside and she lives in a upstairs flat.i keep ringing her phone but no answer,even i was wary about just turning up but i thought it would be a great surprise

so i had to bang on the door and eventually she comes down and answers,this is wear it went horribly wrong

she was shocked to see me,really flustered,hyperventilated abit and was like a woman id never met before

i imediatley presumed she must have had a man upstairs as although she didnt stop me from going upstairs,she deff didnt want me to

i was so shocked my self,i kept asking if there was a problem and sorry if she had company.she was very stresed so i said id go,she said shed see me in a few days but it seemed that she was trying to think on her feet.she just shut the door and left me standing there gobsmacked,hurt,and sick to the stomach

they say dont surprise somebody as you might not like the surprise you get

so i drove back for the hours journey thinking id get a text to appologise or her trying to get out of something with an excuse,but nothing,from her

all the next day there was nothing,i could see her online on watsap but she was just silent

i finally left it till the next eve as i was imagining allsorts and i text apologising for coming unanounced.i was hoping for a reply but also dreading it

she replied about an hour later saying she was to scared to text me,apparantly her family had been upstairs having a meeting and they were of the mindset that they thought she had bipolar

so she was really embarresed and didnt want me to go upstairs

again i could only accept this with trusting her

so things were normal after that,i went round as many nights as i could,there never seemed to be any signs of other men being there and she never acted as if she was hiding anything in the flat

she was still quite chatty,hyperish but really loving but again,another thing came out of the blue//

wed had good sex the night before in the morning,i just by chance happened to say that she looked sad and asked why.to me it was just a caring question but she kind of flipped.accused me saying i knew she had chronic pain so why ask that quest and if i was any kind of boyfreind,id have googled the medical terms etc

i just sat on the bed thinking where the hell did that just come from.accused me of just wanting the sex and that was it

so again,i got through that but really shocked now and knew something wasnt right

unfortunatley her mum was diagnosed with breast cancer a week after that,she also has a daughter with a child with ahd and who is pregnant again by the same man who left her the first time

so i know that she has a tough time coping with everything else without her own personal demons

so i said look i dont mind not seeing you,your family come first 

the last time i saw her was on a monday.id kindly bourght her a washing machine as i knew she was struggling to wash clothes and it would be a little help in her life

she was made up,i got a text on the tuesday saying what a fantastic boyfreind i was and how great the place smelt etc

i text back to that saying i was so pleased she was happy

she text me on the thursday saying she had been at mums looking after her,she was tired trying to be there for everybody at the same time and was now heading to her daughters

that was the last i heard from her,she stopped replying to my messages,i didnt bombard her, just every otherday.she was reading them but just not answering back

i put everything i could think of into my texts,how much i loved her,i thought she loved me,could she atleast tell me what the problem was,could she just give me closure etc... but silence

i finally kind of snapped in my own head and sent her a really nice text saying that i was worried about her and i was going to drive down and make sure she was ok(i didnt know where she would be but i headed for her flat)

so i get there and knocked on the door quite loud but not a im p****d off knock,

i then knocked again and i got a text from her just saying...please go away.i dont want too see you... those exact words which although horrible,didnt exactly tell me much either

did it mean didnt want to see me then?

,didnt want to see me ever?

i tried in vain for most of the night sending pleading almost begging texts to tell me what the hell id done to upset her

ive given up now,i didnty reply after that and its been pretty much a month since then and shes never text since that please go away text

i did alot of nice things for her,i cannot understand how after loving me as i presumed she did to being cold hearted

silly things like my expensive jacket is still there

i have googled bipolar alot and its a horrible disease that the person carnt help

im just finding it hard to know if its just the bipolar or that i might have done something

all i can think of is that back to the early days of when i sent rude messages online,did i happen to message one of her freinds also on the dating site and by pure chance,did they meet up and my partner then finds out i was rude to women on the site

long shot i know but its a small world so im afraid its always possible

it wasnt a nice side of me back in the early days so i probably deserve to be caught like that but it was before my partner and i was true in mind body and spirit since we first met

so that is my dilema and i know its like asking how long is a piece of string

was it me caught by chance? is it the bipolar? 

she has never accused me of anything so i dont know if that is good or bad,i would have thought she might want her own answers for closure,ie did i talk dirty to other women when being with her etc but no accusations on anything,just this silence

she was thrilled to bits with me one minute and thrilled with the washing machine then silence

i have written her a really nice letter and my freind met the sister to pass it over

i dont want to stalk her,the letter is not all about how down and heartbroken i am.just about the good things,how much she meant and just that id surport her and love her unconditionally

no reply though yet im afriad

just want someones advice as to how bipolar works and wether it can hit the low cycle as quick as it seemed to and for the low cycle to go on for almost 6 weeks

again most women reading this would say serve me right but i really am clueless even though ive googled alot about bipolar but i really truthfully loved her

thanks for reading

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