Nightmares upset me the next day.

A couple of people have asked me is there a cure for P.T.S.D.

It is not like taking a course of tablets like antibiotics and then you are cured. But they don't understand.

One day I was playing about with a male friend and he picked up a cup and pretended he was going to throw it at me. I shook and told him that my dad once threw a drink over my new t shirt.

He apologised and I told him that it was not his fault.

It is: something a person says, a piece of music, a sudden movement.

When I am cleaning my flat I remember my mother berating me saying "haven't you got anything more exciting to do?"

I shout "at least I CAN cook and clean" (my mum couldn't cook and she rarely did housework but I loved her. It was my brother who kept on about the house we grew up in was never clean and he was embarrassed).

She even taunted me on her death bed. It was a bitter  cold night and I went to the hospital. Mum said "your mate came to see me last night".

I said "who was that?"

She said a relation that I had no time for and smirked at me.

When mum died I was able to realize that she was a very, very unhappy woman and I would of hated to have had her life.

I was bullied throughout school and work. One day a customer was rude to a very polite assistant in the shop. The young guy had done nothing wrong. This nasty person said something that gave me a flashback       30 years previously.

I suddenly exploded shrieking "don't talk to him like that you ......."

The security guard offered to walk me home incase he waited outside.

I don't know why I exploded as I hate arguements. It was like a blind rage. The assistant has asked him if he wanted a bag. He had said to the assistant twice "well I'm not an octopus"

Then he said  "what do you think?"

What do you think was said to me by a woman 30 years ago at work when she was supposed to be showing me the job and I had wanted to say then "I'm new and you need to teach me so it is not 'what do you think'"  BUT I was too scared as being of nervous disposition I never stood up for myself.

So that remark was a trigger and I' not sorry I reacted like that.

To cope I distract myself in the waking hours and try to focus on the people who I'm in regular contact with.

My friend has said a few times now I need counselling but sadly no amount of counselling will take away the nightmares and flashbacks.

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