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So I'm a sophomore in high school who has been struggling with depression since the 6th grade, and severe anxiety/PTSD since the end of the last school year. I am extremely intelligent, with an IQ above 150 and lots of talents, but it just doesn't feel like I matter at all. I haven't done well in school for years, and I'm still getting Ds and Fs on my report card. I wanted to go to Stanford, and I'm sure I could if I wasn't so lazy and unmotivated. My neurotypical mother doesn't seem to understand that I just can't bring myself to do the work necessary to perform well in school. My brother makes fun of me for my anxiety and ADD, telling me I have no friends and I'm a weirdo for being unable to get through the day without an anxiety attack. I keep telling myself that I can motivste myself and achieve so much, but I never do. I'm just stuck in this endless loop of laziness and helplessness. I've attempted suicide 3 times now, gotten into drugs; I keep telling myself I'm redeemable but at this point I don't even know if it's worth it. At this point I'm just dragging myself through life. I know I'm just a teenager, but being "gifted" as I am, I have had a huge amount of pressure put on me. I'm always told "You could be amazing if you would just TRY"
And I do. I TRY to try. I get close, but I'm always stuck here, feeling worthless and unnecessary.
Any shred of hope I had for myself is pretty much gone. I've always been known as that stupid energetic drama queen girl who never does her homework, and I'm sick of it. I've developed trichotillomania and various personality disorders, yet no matter how much I suffer- It's never because of depression, or anxiety, or ADD. It's because I'm lazy, or silly, or "unable to take things seriously". I'm treated like a child for aspects of my personality that I could never change, no matter how hard I try. For the longest time it felt like I was the only one who had faith in what I could achieve, and now I don't even have that.
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