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No, I can't explain why.

Posted , 5 users are following.

Lost32
Lost32

Really struggling with family not understanding how the things they see as trivial are not trivial to me.

I can't find the words, or maybe the right words, to explain why I am the way I am and why things that don't bother them are so hard for me.

I'm tired of trying to explain. I'm tired in general.

I don't have relationships because I inevitably see something that sets alarm bells off and I immediately distance myself from them.

I have a large extended family but can't bring myself to attend family gatherings or parties and my close family just don't seem to get it.

I was in an abusive relationship for ten years and even a hint of aggression, raised voices or any formal of confrontational situation. I can't sleep without disturbance- I am acutely aware of every single noise or movement around me.

When I do venture out I won't go anywhere I think might even pose the smallest risk to me- I am aware that this is not logical but that doesn't stop my subconscious mini risk-assessments. I feel ridiculous even writing that.

There are still (6 years on) places I cannot bring myself to go to- areas of the city I live in that I associate with my ex.

Recently I travelled (psyching myself up for months before and then every minute I was there) and a family member shouted at me very aggressively. I froze. She shouted for me to shut up repeatedly throughout and even if she hadn't I couldn't have replied if I'd wanted to. It's thrown me completely. I spent the remaining time I was away praying for it to be over and doing exactly as she told me because all I wanted was to get home.

I can't sleep again. When I close my eyes, bits of the ten years wake me and I'm terrified again.

I don't know what I expect from writing this. I feel a bit daft most of the time if I'm honest.

When I've tried to explain before I get a lot of 'don't be so silly' 'you need to forget about it'

0 likes, 2 replies

2 Replies

  • stephen92626
    stephen92626 Lost32

    Posted

    It's good that you can at least talk about it, I kept my issues, bad situations, (bad to me), but not to others, I kept things and Still do keep it bottled up, and as I can't find the right person to talk to I have/get these internal rages, I'm tensed, feel like stone, and I don't understand why certain things just go over other people's heads, when I feel like"are you not seeing/hearing same as me??I tend to be a loner now, as these rages are on the edge, and I'm scared that I could do some harm, not that I'm thinking that right now, but anytime in future, I have PTSD symptoms, so I only Talk on here, as I'm not ashamed really as no-one knows me, so I can let my mind talk, I seen a psychologist with some symptoms similar as you, but for me it wasn't any good, But talking with a counsellor could help you, I don't know, everyone re-acts to certain things different, as I obviously know, Hope you get the help you want, I just letting you know, there's others like you, your not alone. Stephen

  • sam18386
    sam18386 Lost32

    Posted

    Hi Lost, you poor thing!  I'm not been shallow saying that but I do understand.  I was raped twice years back and only this week just gone could I mention what happened to me to a trained ptsd specialist.  It's going to take a long time to get my life back on track at all.  Every session I meet with her is torture but it's easier than throwing anti depressants down my throat.  I think you would do well to get away from the family for an hour's counselling session a week which may give you the chance to heal.  PTSD doesn't easily ease off!  I discovered that.  Give yourself an easier time.  You didn't ask to be abused I'm sure but you don't also have to live with it! (no-one should).  Look after you.  No-one else will.  Good luck.x

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