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I think about killing myself every hour of every single day, and it's been like this for months now. I've thought about it for years, I've been in and out of therapy since 2007, but now it's just ridiculous. It was never Every Hour of Every Day.
I literally can't stand being alive anymore.
Lying there, day in day out with thoughts of death running through my mind, crying and feeling just utterly dead and heartbroken.
I am So So lonely, so so unhappy and have no desire to achieve anything else. I can't hold down a job, I screwed up uni, the love of my life has gone (and i don't blame her), i've got ridiculous debts that i can't pay off (and endless letters and phone calls from debt collection people that make me shake everytime i look at my phone or the mail), i'm terrifyed of other people (they call it paranoia, i call it 'being realistic' i hate my stupid thin crappy body, i've lied to my family and wasted their money, i literally just want to die.
I researched suicide methods, attempted hanging (oh that went Really well), cutting is f***ing Pointless and looks ugly and doesn't work, and i can't seem to figure out quite what to do. Or 'How to do it', would be a better way to put it. And i'm not asking anyone to tell me.
Being so utterly miserable and lonely is, in itself, completely exhausting.
I've seen councillors, taken pills, stopped taking pills.
This isn't a cry for help, i don't know What this is.
I guess it's just because i want to let out how i'm feeling to a bunch of strangers. A pointless rant.
Fingers crossed for a heart attack or something.
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