No longer know what to do.
Posted , 7 users are following.
Hi, I am a 39 year old male. I have seemed to have got to a dead end and I longer want to live. I had a severe spinal injury in 2010, for years I suffered, it progressively got worse and worse a d was constantly in and out of hospital. Multiple operations for degenerative disc disease. In 2014 I had a multi spinal fusion of L3/4/5 and S1 the first fusion failed so they decided and the discs further up started to crumble and they extended the fusion, sadly in the operation the fusion again didn’t take. But they caused multiple nerve damage, I have no feeling in both legs, feet. On top of this they damaged the secral nerve to my bladder, so I had to start self catherterising to go for a wee, my nerves to my penis also got damaged so I am unable to get erections. I have been married since 2005 and luckily we had our children before these issues started. But I just felt like I am no longer a man, having medically be signed off, unable to walk more that 150-300 meters, loss of sexual function. I always felt I was letting my wife down and my family. The last 6 months have been awful, I had a further disc go and knowing there was nothing they could do anymore. I decided to try and take my own life, I stared seeing figures, visions, sleepwalking, self harming and eventually drinking 10-12 cans of alcohol and 1 ltr of spirits, I took a massive overdose and also started cutting my wrists. I was admitted to the hospital after being found by the police. I was offered no mental health help. And since then had 2 further episodes. On the last time I was seen my psychiatrist in hospital and was discharged and said they had no concerns. My wife and I have been arguing for the last 2 months and I put this down to the stress. On Monday my wife didn’t return home or with my children. She refused my phone calls and I was concerned the didn’t return home. I got a visit from the police to say my wife had decided to remove herself and the children from the house and wants a divorce. I have been working trying to find relationship help. But today i received a court order saying my wife wanted a divorce and she has stopped me from talking to her and stopped me from seeing the children and order stand for 1 year while divorce proceedings go on. In the mean time being a non earner but being lucky enough that my insurance paid our mortgage my wife has also added a court order for me to leave the home. I can’t take this anymore, I feel I have no fight to give because she has taken my children away. She is a GP so knew that this would start to effect my mental health further. I’m sat here now I have the feeling I don’t want want to live anymore. I have drank best part of 10 330 ml 8 % cider and now sat with all my medication and want to take everything. On top I have allergies so 10 epipens and after failed attempts want to take these as well. I just don’t think I can fight anymore. I feel my wife and family will be better of without me. I know it’s wrong, but before I get to such a drunk state and do the unthinkable I hope someone will help me. Taking my children away, is the worst thing that can happen to me, over everything. So I just feel I should give in.
3 likes, 7 replies
AlexandriaGizmo Buggsy1978
Posted
Hi bugsy I'm not sure what I can say to make you feel any better or even to persuade you that life really is worth living, if say you do decide to finish it imagine how your children will feel I'm years to come when they truly realize what their dad did.
My neighbors father did it and sadly Rob has struggled to come to terms with it, he suffers with depression blaming himself for it, he thinks that the kids were too much for him.
I understand it wasn't but he doesn't.
Your wife has to do what she feels is best for her and the children be it right or wrong and you have to do now what's best for you and your children, they should be your first priority though.
Life doesn't revolve around sex so that's not the end of life and I'm thinking you are not that old, their will be medical intervention that will help eventually I'm sure.
No one can tell you what to do but please try and imagine how others will feel, I am on crutches full time and it's not great but it's better than death
bukola41891 Buggsy1978
Posted
No matter what, I believe it's better for you to be alive. I am certain that all these will pass. Time will heal your wounds
A new invention will come and you will get help. Your children will come back to you. Your wife will mellow down. The best is yet to come. You will smile again. Only if you hang on. God Almighty will show up for you. A living dog is better than a dead lion. Cheers brother. Choose life! Choose to be strong. Aak God to help you
Rrrrr64582 Buggsy1978
Posted
Please rethink this mate. You got to put your kids first and make them a priority. If you go through and do this it will effect your kids for years to come. There are services available and I know when things look bleak. But you got to set your kids as your aim above all else. I know it effects them as my partner previous partner committed suicide. It's a wound on them that dosnt dissapear. Please just speak to anyone.... gp. there's online services set up on this please dont just keep this to your self.
hypercat Buggsy1978
Posted
If you can get some help them I am sure that she will be much more amenable to letting you see them as she must realise how important it is for children to have both parents. But you need to get some proper help and turn your mind to trying find ways and reasons to live rather than to die. x
Buggsy1978 hypercat
Posted
Hi all.
Many thanks for your advice. I totaltally agree with 90% of what you have said.
Alexandria, firstly I am sorry to hear about your neighbour and the effects that it had on Rob.
I agree that my wife has to take my children’s welfare in to concern. However we never argue. In front of the children, I never self harmed or took OD.
I listened to your advice, and took myself in a taxi to the local hospital. They ran blood tests And I was indeed intoxicated and had taken an overdose of Alcolol and sleeping tablets, diazepam and cocodomol. They treated the symptoms and was seen by the oncall duty mental health Dr, after going over my problems. I begged with them to get me help and to either section me so I would remain in the hospital or there is a place that they can send you where you receive mental health help called the Blake Ward, this is under section or and a volentary patient and the minimum term is 28day or 6 months depending on what your circumstances are. Sadly they decided that as alcohole was a factor and what my wife had done, has made me a a dip in my metal heath and even after the way I feel, the fact that I told them I no longer want to live and would attempt to take my own life, they discharged me, and the A&E consultant decided that I would be kept in overnight for monitoring as I had a HR of 220 BPM, my Blood pressure remains at 178/90 which also concerns them. my toxic screens are considerably high, he also disagreed with the metal healths opinion and I should be getting help. So will ask for a second review by the morning team. But he feels they will jut send me home. I can’t seem to fight my inner feelings. And fear with no help this will continue to happen .
I don’t know if any one understands the inner workings of the NHS I understand due to government restrictions but if funding. There are no private places I can afford to take myself, the A&E consultant said the only place is Woking priory who want £600 a night too seek help.
So it seems I will be in the same situation and feelings as soon as I am removed, my feelings if any have gotten worse.
Still at a loss.
hypercat Buggsy1978
Posted
I am sorry and I don't know what you say next. I am in the UK and know the state of the NHS especially regarding mental health provisions. They are obsessed with care in the community which often means no care at all.
I too an overdose a few years and the after hours mental team whom I rang just tipped me over the edge and they were horrible. I did end up in hospital overnight but was left slumped in a chair in full view of the whole A and E for 4 hours. I eventually got a bed and next morning after speaking to a psychiatrist for around 10 minutes next day was discharged and just told someone would call me in an evening or so to check on me. They did but that was the last i heard about it and was not offered any other help at all.
This taught me that if I ever od'd again I would not ring up anyone or ever go to the hospital again. I would do it privately at home and if I didn't survive then so be it. I would never ask for help again.
This isn't much help to you I'm afraid but just wanted to let you know I understand. x
si6996 Buggsy1978
Posted
Don't give up. Things might be rough right now but DONT GIVE UP. Your kids need you more than you think. I have an uncle who took his life & thought just as you are thinking now that they would be better of but since he died I've watched his daughter turn into a sevearly obease young woman who goes from one abuser to another. His oldest son has been in & out of prison twice now for rape & assult. His youngest son is hooked on drugs & beats on wemon. Had he been alive those kids wouldn't have ended up this way cause he could've for lack of a better expression pulled his head out of his backside & fought thru the B's to get his head on right & been there for those kids. That's what you need to do is FIGHT thru the BS. Get your head right & be there for your babies. Don't show them that giving up & not caring is the ok thing to do. Call COPES or a suicide prevention agency in your area. FIGHT Don't ever give up.