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As I write its well past midday & I'm still in bed!
I'm a 54yr old man who has had a lifetime of depressive episodes, closely followed by periods of relative mania!
My children are grown up & my eldest has a child of her now - I love my Grandaughter & she adires me; seeing her is the single greatest pleasure in my life right now!
What I find frustrating is that depression can have such a hold on me that it affects my confidence and makes me feel useless in every task I undertake.
I can't differentiate between whether depression has caused me to fail in my career choices or vice versa.
I've always managed to dig myself out of the depths of depression but never seem to settle 'on the level' as my psyche seems to over compensate and my behaviour then tends to border on the manic. I've lost jobs, friendships & relationships because of my 'giddy' moods (ironically I don't seem to lose these things when I'm depressed just when I'm "high"!)
I've done a CBT course & recently took up my Doctor's offer of anti-depressants but I was disappointed with the structure of the CBT as it was a group session and I would have preferred one on one and for the short period (2 weeks) I did the medication I was having heart palpitations, disturbed sleep & awful dreams so I stopped tge meds.
As much as I need to get out of the depression I'm in fear of going manic again and as I'm now the age I am I'm also fearful that this is my lot & I'm destined to spend the rest of my days continually sad or giddy!
My family are supportive of my moods & I'm blessed that I'm in a new relationship with a woman who is also very understanding.
I actually think I'm just lazy and a miserable person.
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