No motivation

Please can someone help me, I have no motivation to do anything. I don't think I am very depressed because if I was I don't think I'd be worrying about how I need to revise, and how I need to exercise, and how I feel guilty about not doing these things. However I'm not a professional, I don't know if I'm depressed at all. Have you ever felt though that you kind of wish there was something?like in a way you want to be diagnosed with depression, So people would understand and feel sorry for you? If they think you're just down in the dumps they won't really do anything. I just took an online test that said I was mildly depressed, but who knows, I might have just exaggerated my answers

I will say though, I do think about suicide, and every time I do I cry. Sometimes I'm sat in the car with my dad and cry but he doesn't know. I'd never do it though, but I just think what it would be like. My life isn't bad, I don't like when I'm told I should be greatful for my life because people have it worse, because believe me I know that. I would say I have a great life, and when I'm in a better mood I could say it was amazing and be happy all day. I know people have it much much much worse than me, and I'm so sorry for those people. Yet it doesn't mean we aren't still all struggling ourselves. Looking at someone else's life and how bad it is doesn't make me feel better, it's just cruel isn't it?

Anyway, I still have no motivation to do anything. I have a gorgeous little dog who just needs a walk but I would have to shower and get changed and then go out and I really don't want to. I need to revise but before I do I need to tidy my room otherwise I can't focus and I really don't want to. I feel guilty but I still have no motivation. What I'm really annoyed about is my brother. Out of everyone he has a great life.evrry single day he is on my dads iPad watching you tube playing games, laughing. Whilst I'm sat up in my room crying and bored. It's so unfair, I always shout at him and give him these big speeches, for me to then go and get breakfast, walk back in and he is laughing about a video. He's not even thankful either, he does nothing to help. Please don't say I need to sit down and have a talk with him, because believe me I have, i have talked to him for over an hour before, have written him a 3 page long poem or something like that trying to get him to understand because he was only 11. I tell him all the time I just need help. We are or were a lot closely bonded than most other brothers and sisters because I've been a sister and mother figure to him, i won't explain but yeah. But now whilst writing this it gets me so angry that I can hear him laughing at stupid videos he watches on repeat. It's so unfair, and I get annoyed at my dad for not taking it off him! He's 13, and I guess lazy, but he has the best life anyone could wish for, sitting in pyjamas all day, no exams, a comfy house and big bedroom, thousands of videos to watch and games to play. It's so unfair s. I'll admit, I have all that to but I have to do other things, and all I need is a little help. It really annoys me, my poor dog is sat waiting for a walk, and I do walk him a lot, I'm not a person to buy a puppy for cuteness and then not walk him. He's 6 now but pretty much the only thing that makes me happy when I'm down, unless he only comes to see me when I've got food and then leaves when I'm finished, even that makes me Damn cry. I feel like he only loves me when I have food lol

I just don't know what to do, I'm bored, I need to do things but I have no motivation, i Just want to lie in bed all day and eat cookies but then I'd feel guilty about my health. I supposed it's good I feel guilty cos it means I haven't given up all hope in exercising and improving my life but still I'd love to eat cookies. Yet I would have to walk to the shop and back which as you guessed I can't be bothered.

Another thing, my dads away this weekend and so we usually go up to his sisters (my aunties), but we stayed home this weekend, I thought I could tidy up, do my revision, clean, and go out on a nice walk. Yet it puts me off that my brother doesn't have to do any of that, and he is just sniffing and laughing (ughhhhhh I hate that), he's getting run down because he's sat down all day. I hope this makes sense. I'm just going on, but yeah, there's this circus on where I live, it finishes tomorrow, and I thought it would be nice for us to go and watch it. All I get from his is a yeah, or a shrug. It's so disheartening. I'm trying to find something to make me smile but I don't t feel there's any point. I've been sat in my room for two hours doing nothing and he doesn't even come up to talk to me or ask "so are we going to the circus tonight". He's not even bothered. I'll be honest that I do things I shouldn't. I occasionally say to him what if I had killed myself and I was alone in my room? You wouldn't even come up to check or if you did it's because you'd be wandering and asking me for a fricken iPad charger. He probably wouldn't even notice I was dead in bed, he doesn't even pay attention. It's true, honestly, and I shouldn't say it but I just feel like it's a way form him to feel bad for me. But here he is, probably oblivious to what i say and yes fixated on the tv or iPad.

Im just struggling at the moment. It's the same with my dad. He does ask me if I'm ok, but I just wish he'd do more to help me. Like, if I am depressed, it's hard to get out of it alone! I need a push and to know my family is helping me, even f there is nothing wrong with me. I don't know, do you think it's right I feel that way? It's hard, I have a good and bad life. My dad brought us up, and he's had a lot of struggles on his own, I just feel like we're drifting apart and we fall out a lot more often. He's away this weekend I think I mentioned and he came to me this morning and says "if I'm In a car crash, would you like to leave on these terms." Like what I did to my brother. He always makes it my fault, and I don't think he can ever accept he may have done things wrong. And to be honest, I honestly feel like if something did happen and I had fallen out with someone, yes I would cry and feel bad but o don't think I'd ever regret anything, because in the moment you fall out you don't feel like being friends again. I know death is a possibility but honestly it doesn't motivate me to say sorry and be friends with people because I'm told I will regret it. I don't think I will, even if someone dies.

I hope you can make sense of what i said. Maybe I just need someone to help motivate me to get out of bed and do something, even if that's people I don't know online, but I don't feel those things like "life is too short" or that I'm wasting my days motivates me. I can't not have a few days where I'm down if that makes sense. If it wastes my life then that's ok, I can't stop myself having a few bad days, but I just don't want to turn them into long days that's all. Like I said, I don't know if I'm depressed, probably not. I'm happy at college, well I appear that way. Again though some days I do sit in the corner with tears in my eyes thinking. About suicide, but I come across as more happy because what are you supposed to do when you have to be willing to learn. If I'm depressed I'm not going to take any information in. I just feel that I don't have any people to push me that's all, I don't have a relationship with my mum, or a rubbish one, I don't feel like I can talk my dad because he has ways of making me feel like it's always my fault when we fall out, and I can't explain it. I kind of want the doctor to tell him about his daughters problems so he'll actxially realise what im are going through, . We don't sit together as a family, when it's tea time my dad usually sits in the back room watching tv. My brother in the front spilling food on the sofa on the iPad. Me either watching tv in the front room, sat on my bed upstairs if I'm upset or on the dinner table where should all sit together, to try and make them want to sit with me. I'm the one who tries to get us to do things together but I don't even feel like I like my brother now so I don't see the point of spending time with someone I don't like. It's just difficult.

Thanks for reading, I'm sorry I don't know where I was going, I just started to write. Thanks if anyone sees this, Tasha x

Ps, I just added this here because I didn't know where to fit it in in the text above but

I want to exercise, I want to make it part of my daily life like going to college to get an education is, it's just much harder. I have hormonal problems too which I think affect my weight but I still try to improve my body. It's just offputting when I try for so long and don't see an difference. I don't know. I think I'm getting into that mindset where I won't give up, but in times like this where I should go jogging, I don't because I have no happiness to push me to start, because of all my other problems Also my brother just eats all the food he can find and then leaves it to me or my dad to clean up. He's just eating more because he's bored but ahhh just so stressful. I want k start driving so I can drive my self to the gym or drive to the beach to walk my dog but it's too late because it would probably take me to august, I also am going on holiday so can't have lessons then. Then I don't have money to buy a car because I don't have a job, it's just hard. I'm going to uni in September as well which will be better. I'm just worried about leaving my dog. The fact that my brother knows I've been upstairs for ages and my dog is in the same room as him wanting a walk agitates me. If he's not going to walk him now how can I trust him when I go away? I don't want to leave my baby dog. I love dogs so much.

0 likes, 3 replies