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No way out.

Posted , 3 users are following.

John1111
John1111

Ive been depressed for about a year now im so sad and just want to end it all. Ive been with my partner for 15 years and stepson and daughter and grandson who i love so mch.ive got a good job and should be so happy but im not . I wake everyday shaking notwanting to go to work im on anti deptessants which my partner doesnt know about i dont want to eat im crying all the time then i dont want to mix with people i have to put on a brave face but my partner knows something is up. My dad tried to kill himself a few times and growing up i had to deal with this. I lossed my uncle auntie and cousin on the ferry disaster in march 87 then 15 years ago i split with my ex i awoke to find her 10 year daughter touching me sexually and using my hand on her i freaked but instead of telling her mam i never said anything i was scared it happened and that she would accuse me of touching her.that was 15 years ago. All these feelings have resurfaced and i blame and hate myself so much i just want out im a good person with a good heart .

1 like, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • mari34228
    mari34228 John1111

    Posted

    Hi John, I'm sorry to hear of everything that has happened to you. You have had alot to cope with in your life and it's a credit to you that you have managed to keep going through all of that.

    Did something occur a year ago that made you feel the way you do now? Perhaps it is some sort of delayed reaction to everything that has happened. Whatever it is, you really need to speak to someone. Just to be able to get out everything that is going round and round in your head could be beneficial for you. It won't take it all away, but just to 'release' your worries out into space (if you know what I mean) really does help to lesson the intensity of them. Has your doctor suggested counselling?

    Also, do you have a strong enough relationship with your partner to tell her how you are feeling (and why)? Apart from the tragic family events does she know about the 'incident' 15 years ago? That must be a huge mental/emotional burden for you to carry around with you. And it's not fair on you to have to deal with that alone. She is probably worrying about you but has no way of knowing what to do to help, because she is essentially in the dark. Parnter's should be there to support one another. Perhaps you should give her the opportunity to do this. 

    • John1111
      John1111 mari34228

      Posted

      Thank you for your support and reply all i want to do is try and move on ive told my partner about what happened but she has put it to the back of her mind and doesnt 2ant me to mention it again we almost split. I should be looking to the future with my beautiful family not feeling like this.
    • mari34228
      mari34228 John1111

      Posted

      Hi John. It's hard for you if your partner doesn't want you to talk about things. I'm not being critical of her but it's obviously easier for her to put it all in the past and not think about them, because they didn't happen to her. But you have no choice. These things happened. They were real. They are part of your life story. So don't feel ashamed of how you are feeling. It is perfectly natural.

      And so yes. You may look around you and think 'I should be happy'. But you are not. But IT IS understandable! You are depressed. Depression doesn't give a damn how good your life 'should' be. 

      I really do urge you to go back to your doctor. Have you explained how hard you are finding it to cope with your feelings? You obviously don't have to tell him/her the details of everything that has happened, but I think you should say that there are things in your past that you are having trouble moving on from and tell them that you are finding it very difficult to see a way forward. If they know just how troubled you are then they should be able to tailor their support better for you.

      I really do think counselling could help you. Like I said before, it won't make it all go away, but it should help you to cope with it in a more manageable way. You don't have anything to feel guilty about John. Bad things have happened to you. That's not your fault.

      Best wishes. xx

    • John1111
      John1111 mari34228

      Posted

      I think thats what is doing it guilt. I shouldve dealt with things differently .i dont want to rake up the past but its so hard . Its like i just want to clear my conscience but going over the past i will lose everything and people wont understand. Thank you.
  • julian33896
    julian33896 John1111

    Posted

    Hi John,

    Wow it sounds like you have been through a lot. You said you are on antidepressants, which one are you on? And how long have you been taking it?

    • John1111
      John1111 julian33896

      Posted

      Thanks for your reply julian im on oxactin i think they are called 20 mg ive been taking them for about a month on and off.
  • hypercat
    hypercat John1111

    Posted

    Sorry John but I can't see a 10 year old child approaching you sexually like you describe.    Are you sure of your facts there?  If she did touch you it would have been by accident surely.    Are you absolutely sure it wasn't the other way round?   I'm  not being nasty but it doesn't quite ring true.
    • John1111
      John1111 hypercat

      Posted

      Thanks for your reply yes it was exactly as i said i know how bad it sounds especially today ive never been in trouble with the police and i think thats why i was so scared to report anything this is why i hate myself i didnt know how to react. I just wanted to get away.
    • hypercat
      hypercat John1111

      Posted

      Hi sorry John - just put it down to my cynical nature!    I am sure she didn't mean to touch you sexually and I am very glad you didn't respond and stopped it immediately.   She probably doesn't even remember it so I should relax on that point.  It's a long time ago after all.   Try and put it out of your mind though I know that's easier said than done. 

      Mari is so right - it doesn't matter how happy your life is depression doesn't care.  This obviously come from your past.   Have you ever had any counselling?   This might help.    Bev x

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