normality, dentist, life as it is...

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sorry to be a misery guts..and thankyou all for your messages re; the dentist. will be going tomorrow..scared but will go.

just so fed up, feel like just standing on a mountain and crying my eyes out..have tears in my eyes now..its a long story re; my 81 yr old mother, and us wanting her to move into a house with an annex with us, she wont make up her mind, and i have to consider my 14, yr old and 8yr old kids, regardless of my 18yr old. as we want to move from the area it makes it tricky, so i suggested she came with us, but wont give me an answer and just snaps at me,..i am just trying to make everyone happy. why cant she think of the future, cos basically we want to move, but i wont unless she comes with us. oh this sounds so complicated, but its really screwing me up..just dont know what to do. fed up with life..its just so complicated.

sorry to ramble on. its just that melbi you asked us to post what 'normality is'..well my family just consists of me my 3 kids and hubby and my mum. dad died 3yrs ago, now, if this was a normal family, wouldnt an 81 yr old mother prefer to move with her kids rather than stay on her own in a 3 bed semi thats too big and no family around?

so melbi..i reckin my family isnt normal..i guess normality is like 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder...normality is in the eye of the beholder..

i too look at families and think wouldnt it be nice to be like then..it can become obsessive if you think about it too much. Melbi..you seem so normal and level headed..you have nothing to worry about from where i see it..but dont waste time comparing yourself to others..you are fine just as you are my love.

life is just a bloody nusciance at times(excuse swearing)...

hope i have answered your question Melbi.

sorry to confuse matters, scared of tomorow dentist, fed up and sad...aly xx

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Bless you Aly,

    What my post was meant for you to see is that no family - no matter how normal they look on the outside,hide many a thing behind closed doors and so are no more 'normal' than you me or any other family.

    Families bring a lot of support, love and happiness - at the same time they can bring us so much stress, baggage, and unhappiness.

    Families can and will hold us back from what we really want to do... if it isn't our elderly parent/s, it will be our growing children, grandchildren etc.

    Families are the one thing we can't change about our lives - yet how often do we feel so trapped, stressed, confused, unsure etc because of them in one way or another.

    I completely understand your worry about leaving your mother behind in a large house with no family around her and to be honest I doubt I'd be too happy about moving too, but should we really hold back what we want because of them? I don't know what the right thing would be to do - it all comes down to our conscience I suppose.

    I wish I could make things better for you in the family department but hey! I have very similar problems, dilemmas involving my family.

    Good luck at the dentist hun, this time next week you will be able to look back and think 'phew! Thank goodness I don't have the dentist to deal with this week'.

    Love 'n' hugs

    Meli xxx

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  • Posted

    Hi Aly.

    Just one thought. I don't know if you've previously advised your dentist that you are taking anti depressant medication.

    As a matter of course, he/she should ask you if there have been any changes to your medical history since you last visited so that might be an opportunity to explain your nervousness and ask him or her to go gently and talk you through what he is doing.

    I do know how daunting it can be. I had a real phobia of dentists following very bad experiences as a teenager and as a result, didn't go for near on 17 years. Luckily I've got good teeth!!

    I was fortunate to find a very relaxed and highly professional one who talked me through every step of the treatment being undertaken and I'm now fine with it.

    Good luck.

    Best regards

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  • Posted

    Hi Aly,

    Like Melbi said, every family has its problems. Re your Mum, I have 4 kids in their twenties and a younger one, but I see them busy in their lives and I know they can cope now, if something happened to me. So then I think, what if something doesn't happen to me, and I live to be 90? I do NOT want to be a burden to my kids, and in your mum's position, I would probably be evasive and grumpy because I would want you to go, hoping you would give me a ring every week and come back with the kids at Christmas and Easter, but I would not want to hurt you by telling you to go. Your mum will miss you,of course. But your first duty is and must be to you. Your mum has made her life choices, now it's your time to do the same. If you stay and are miserable, how is that helping anyone? Have faith that things will work out Aly.

    Dentists have made huge inroads in the last decade, in Oz and the USA and I presume in the UK, in addressing patient fear. Your anxiety will be obvious to you, but your dentist sees this in various degrees every hour. Do tell the dentist how you feel, so that the process can be explained and made less traumatic for you. And realise that there has never been a single human being who bounced into a dentist's and said, \"Hi Doc, where's that drill? Let's get at 'em!\" We none of us like it, but we know we're going to feel so much better the day after. Good luck Aly. xx

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  • Posted

    I'm with the others on the Mum situation. Parents can be a pain can't they? You're being really kind and offering your Mum the chance to live in an annex of your own house - what more can you do? I would face her and just say that you are going to move and you would like her to come with you but if she's determined to dig her heels in then so be it. You will feel guilty and torn in two but at the end of the day it is your life and your own family should come first.

    You obviously feel guilty about the possibility of leaving your Mum behind - but does she feel equally guilty about preventing you and your family from doing what you want to?

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  • Posted

    hi breezeman. melbi, sitman and hilary..firstly i want to say thankyou for your kind replies..i will take your advice on board re ,mum. went to dentist, was ok but took 1 1/2 hrs, due to the size of filling! thanks to you guys it gave me insentive.

    i hope you are all keeping your heads up and staying well...not a more deservant bunch of people..so nice you are.

    anyway..thankyou once again. love aly xxxxxxxx

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  • Posted

    One and a half hours! I now understand your reticence to go to the dentist, Aly. You needed a mining engineer, not a dentist.

    Your post was so warm and friendly Aly, you are a special person.

    I hope you can get your mum to see that you must go, but that you would like her to either come with you or give you her blessing to go. At her age she will know that we are all presented with choices, and we must make a decision, and live with our decision. Perhaps if you tell her what you would like, and tell her you will ask her again in a few days, she may see that one way or the other she must either declare herself or make it plain that she is going to continue with her life regardless of yours. At which point you will know you either have her blessing to go, or not. And if not, then your own family and your own life must decide the issue.

    In this situation Aly, if some ill was to befall your mum in three months you would find it difficult to live with your decision to move. I faced a different dilemma but of similar magnitude and I knew my decision would bind me but the reasons for my choice would fade in my memory, and I knew that the issue would haunt me. So I wrote down on my computer all the very compelling reasons for, and against, and my argument as discussed with my wife before going ahead.

    I revisited that computer file many, many times. The issue was abortion, I was against on principle but was persuaded that the decision was ultimately my wife's. My conscience still spears me at times, but I go back to that file and realise that in all of the circumstances at the time, mainly concerning my now ex-wife's alleged health problems and her stated inability to carry another child, that I would reluctantly do the same again. Except that two years after this our fifth child came along despite my ex trying to do the same again. I insisted on going with her to every doctors' appointment and our beautiful daughter was born with no problems.

    My point here is that no matter what you decide it will come back at odd times to bite you. If you stay, the strain on your relationship with Mum and hubby will suffer, and you will see your kids get less than they deserve. If you go, your loyalty to yor mum will tear at you and niggle and depression is just a heartbeat away every day. What to do?

    If you write down all the for's and against's, leave it for a few days, get a clean sheet of paper or a new computer file and write them out again, do the same in a few more days, then compare them all. Which way is your heart directing you? Stay? Go?

    When you have made your decision given all of the circumstances, not only will you be better off for having made the decision, but it will empower you to get on. And if you do move, there's nothing to stop you calling your mum every second Sunday. But keep your reasons where you can read them again whenever you need to. It helps to keep you sane!

    Good luck with this Aly. xxx

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  • Posted

    Ermmmmmmmmmmmm s'cuse me Aly :lol:

    How does it feel to have got the dental treatment done and out of the way? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

    Well done for seeing it through :magic:

    Love 'n' Hugs

    Melbi xxx

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